Another day of bipolar emotions; today is a low day. I went for a walk to try to clear the depression from my head. Instead, I found myself (as I always do) scanning the road for Dennis. It’s been a year since he stalked me, and I still look for him everywhere I go. It hit me hard. I look for Dennis because in a town where nothing feels familiar, where emotions are out of place, my fear is familiar. My fear of Dennis stalking me is one of the few things that haven’t changed around here. Isn’t that pathetic. I haven’t thought about him in months, and when I have, it was in an amused way. But the first day I walked around Prince George, I knew I could still find that fear in me. I am not sure it is even fear; I don’t know what it is. I have no desire to talk to him. I don’t want him anywhere near my life. But, always, I scan the road for him; I think every punk is him.
My walk was productive in some ways. I realised a lot that I hadn’t been admitting. I think I need help. It’s been over two weeks. I still get overwhelmed at the thought of talking about it all. If I go out for coffee, I am emotionally drained at the end of it. The only day I have been out and social all day, I burst into tears at dinner time! I need to get out of the house more, but how can I even look for work when I cannot handle hanging out with friends? I need to move out of my Mom’s house, before we drive each other crazy, but I can’t find it in me to read the classified for places to live. I refuse to cook meals. I can’t find the energy to put effort into anything. I only eat if food is easy to find. I am so tired; I could stay in bed all day. I am restless but unwilling to go for a walk most days. I go out only when others decide to make plans with me. I have even had days where I had to force myself to get dressed.
How can the best three months of my life have me so confused; so out of place in my own life? How can the best three months have me thinking that maybe everyone is right; maybe I do need counselling? I don’t want to up my anti-depressants, but maybe it’s the only way? I don’t know what to do, but I am going crazy with myself. I have to do something. I have to be in control again, and right now, I am in control of nothing. My emotions are beyond me, my tears come out of nowhere. I try to force myself to do normal things, and I don’t move. Something has got to give. Maybe it’s me.
Tell me. How do I live my life?
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