A little happier today, but still struggling with everything. But, I am at the point where I am driving myself crazy, and so, I need to do something about something! And so, I am going to do my best (which I have not been doing) to take control of my life again. I am going to try to be the girl that is inside, the girl I was able to be in Ghana without anyone asking questions. I have not got used to society again, I have not regained who I want to be, but I can try, and I haven't done that yet. Life is still a struggle. I barely get out of bed for lack of wanting to be here, for lack of things to do. But, as of today, I am going to try.
I was walking down the street yesterday and someone greeted me. Just a Good Afternoon or a Hello or something casual, but it startled me. She was the first stranger to talk to me since I came home. She didn't know I had been to Ghana, she didn't know my heart was aching, but she said hello to me. I feel that people only want to talk to me because I have been away. I am going to try to be that person again. The one that has a smile and a greeting for the strangers on the street. You know that it makes you smile when someone actually sees you there, and acknowledges your presense. I might not have seen the friendly nation we are known for, but I can help bring it back. New goal: smile and say hello to everyone I meet.
I saw my little brother today, for the first time in four months. He was so happy to see me. I almost cried. This little guy makes me almost cry a lot. He rattled on about his life like I had never been gone, filling me in on what was new and important. To him, I am everything. I am his best friend. I am an adult who listens to him, no matter what he has to say. I encourage him, I support him. To him, I matter. Listening to him made my heart smile. It made my whole body smile. If only I could have him in my world every day.
Well that got me thinking. Children have always been my life; they have always been what matters to me. I might be a fool, but I asked Travis if he thought that maybe I could babysit Nathaniel once in a while. Nathaniel also helped change my world, even though neither him nor his father are aware of it. I hate letting children down, and unfortunately, I have let Nathaniel down. It is not my fault, nor my doing, but I can take some steps to correct it. I can still be a part of his life, if his parents will let me. I have another plan for Nathaniel too, but I know that no one will support it. I would do the same plan with Nickolas, but I am not sure that I am able to do it. SOmething to look into anyways. It will make me smile, it will make me proud of my role in these boys' lives when they meant everything to me once upon a time.
So, where else can I get children back into my life. Children light my life in a way no one else can, which is why Ghana was so easy for me. It is also why I know that I have to do something more with my life. I could go back into Guiding, but as a 'parent' helper, not an actual leader. I say that because I do not plan to be back in Prince George for more than a year before I pick up my new dream and go with it. It's too big of a committment for a couple months. But I could help again. And that would put more children into my life for me to give everything I have to. I just want to love and feel loved. Children, I have found, are the only way to find true love. Children will never hurt you as much as other adults. Children need us, and I need them. I could give all my time to children's things, it might make me feel like there is something worth living for. In my head, I know that by living my dream of humanitarian work, I probably give up my dream of a family. It is too much to ask of someone, it is too much to expect that like me, they find peace in living in poverty. But I also know that family is who you pick to be your loved ones. The orphanage was as much a family to me, as the family I imagined for myself upon my return. I loved those children as if they were my own, and they all loved me back in return. That is a family. A family is where you love and are loved back. It does not need blood or legal ties. All you need is love. I can find love anywhere I am willing to give it.
But none of that gets me over the emptiness I feel. It just covers the emptiness with a different kind of fulfilment. It does not make the pain go away. It is that that I do not know how to deal with. Life I do not know how to deal with. But as I left Nickolas to enjoy the rest of his day, my heart was full and light for the first time since I said goodbye to Ghana, and that reminded me of the important things in life.
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