Improvement?

I went to my assessment today. It didn’t take long. Yep, she says I need help! I knew that! She recommended a program that is dealing with cultural diversity and loss and grief counselling. She says that I might be too late for that program though, they might be full. I will call them tomorrow and see. If that’s a no-go, then I go back to Mental Health and they either offer me counselling there, or they find another place that will deal with my mirage of issues.

I was sent away with an Anti-Depression book – the skills to not need pills. I went down to the river and read through it, without doing any of the exercises. Basically, I would be better off pulling out my You Can Heal Your Life book that was my bible last year and making it my bible again. It offered so many more ways and thoughts than this little book did. I really should pull that out. Problem is, I don’t know where I packed my bible, and searching through my things remains overwhelming. It shouldn’t have been too far away, it lived beside my bed the entire time I lived away from home. Maybe that will be my goal for tomorrow. That little book saved my life once. Maybe it can save me from myself again. And! All the best parts are underlined ;-)

I told my poor friend exactly where I stood in life. He is still trying, but now, to me, everything feels even more awkward. I feel like I have been so unfair to him. But I know that I cannot date anyone right now. Everything makes me think of Travis. I hope he can forgive me. I really enjoy his friendship. But it was wrong for me to ever give the idea that it could be more when my heart belongs to another. I also don’t know how to talk to him. He has never been depressed and therefore does not fully understand it. How do I try to explain where my thoughts are at to a person who has never had thoughts like that before? Depression comes with a way of thinking that only those that are depressed can understand. So, I always find myself finding an easy way out of the conversation in order to not have to try to explain my messed up mind. That makes it hard for me to do anything useful. But, the lady today reminded me that I need to be social, no matter how small that starts out and then increase it in time. She also said I needed sunshine and exercise, but agreed that my every other day walk to the tanning salon covered those bases.

Our society still annoys me. It annoys me that the first question out of any one’s mouth is “So what do you do?” I see looks of disapproval, although they try to hide it because they do not know me to judge, when I say I am currently unemployed. The look changes slightly when I say I am just home from three months volunteering in Africa, but it is still there. Worse, is the fact that I have been home for a month. However, I still cannot do it. I told the counsellor today that I cannot do it, I cannot face people for long enough to go back. I said I had about four productive hours in me a day and she nodded sympathetically. She understood. I told her I was having a better day today that most days; she was shocked. She said I looked sad and tired. Thinking about it, I had to agree. I am exhausted no matter how much sleep I get. I have not felt much worth living for these days. My scrapbooks are the only thing that are guaranteed to keep me dry eyed (unless it’s because I miss my babies, but normally the pictures just makes me smile) and I stay calm while scrapbooking. I can kill hours playing with those pictures. Conversations, well, say the wrong thing and I can burst into tears.

I was walking home yesterday from a cancelled lunch date and found 3 separate houses washing off their driveway with their hoses. The first one made me mad. By the time I found the third house doing it, I was infuriated. There is literally not enough drinking water on our planet to last another 10 years. In Africa, wells literally dry out during the dry season forcing people to walk miles to find water. The water they find, we consider unfit for drinking, yet they have no choice. And we wash our driveways. Rather than take a broom and sweep the dirt into a pile, we hose it down onto the street. The first house had more water running into the sewer than the pile of quickly melting snow nearer to the sewer. It made me sick. Yet I can still shower until the hot water runs out, so I guess I am no better than my neighbours. I guess I justify it in that I know I would give up all the luxuries in my life to live the life of love I found in Ghana. One of the volunteers told me that although he eats a hamburger every day, he would give it up to be in Ghana again. I responded with I can give up meat, vegetables and get fat off a rice diet and be okay in Ghana.

My brain has run out of the power to continue. My Anti-Depression book says that I have to set goals for myself, small goals that I can guarantee myself that I can do. Today’s goal was to update about my state of mind, the anger I feel to society and the depression that lives inside me. So, I am going to go catch up on the last episode of Grey’s Anatomy so that I can watch it tonight and be up to date on the season. That’s an accomplishment for you! I watched this season of Grey’s in the last 2 weeks.

Thank you. Thank you for being my friend.