Another Day Amongst Many

Life. Life is overwhelming me. I still don’t know what to do with it. I still have a week until I can start anything related to counselling. I remain depressed and I am pushing people away, when all I want is for them to care. I told my best friend to go away until he was sure he wanted me in his life today. Then I cried. All I really wanted to do was to talk to him, to find some sort of reassurance in his presence. Instead, I told him to go away. I honestly don’t know – was it the right thing to do? A friend suggested that I sounded like an abused wife. I laughed. But, maybe he was right. I thought that I got rid of the abuse in my life when I got rid of Dennis, but maybe it just came disguised. How many times did we have things go wrong, make up, go back to normal, only to have similar issues again. I always came back; I always still believed. My heart doesn’t believe that it is true, but looking at the logic behind it, I can see it. Despite all that Travis has done, I still believe that he is a wonderful man; I still love him with all my heart. I will not let anyone talk down about him. I still just want to help him. I just know that I cannot. I couldn’t even if I was in a far better place than I currently am. But seeing as I told him to go away, I guess it doesn’t matter what I want.

I started my Ghana scrapbook today (but refuse to be labelled as a scrapbooker). I am over half way through putting the pictures in my book, with the rest going in tomorrow. If it is only going to take 2 days to do a scrapbook, I will not have a big enough project to keep my thoughts level until Thursday when I go for my assessment. Who knows how long it will be before I can actually see a counsellor! I had hoped that doing this project would keep me busy for the week, but right now, that doesn’t look promising. I do however, only have half a day tomorrow. Nickolas starts my day off right and I have evening plans. Then Friday and Saturday loom with nothing to do at all.... Sunday is Bowl For Kid’s Sake and then I have a week of nothing. I know I should look for work, but I don’t feel like I can. I feel like I will only get fired if I do look for work, and that is not something my image can take right now. I cannot make myself look into my goal for next year, although Mom keeps telling me things she has learned for me. I just, can’t do it.

I am thinking about a week vacation. Yes, I know I just came back from a vacation. I am thinking Edmonton, but flights are expensive. Dad suggested Chase again. I don’t want to run away from my problems this year though. I know leaving town last year was the best thing I could do. Somehow this feels like I am running away from me, not going somewhere to help. Maybe it is that no matter what I do in this society, it is not enough. It is not what I think I should be doing. It is not benefiting anyone, including myself.

I don’t know what to do. I miss my best friend, but I am tired of being hurt, tired of being last. I am scared to make new friends. I push old friends away. Soon I will be completely alone, and it will be all my own doing. I know that going to a counsellor will not solve anything. I know it can get worse before it gets better. I just, I just, I just need someone to tell me how to live in a way I can currently handle. I need answers, I need help. And I don’t know where to get it, I don’t know how to ask.