Jumble of Jenna

A jumble of thoughts race through my head, all of which need to be talked about, admitted and dealt with. So, here goes, for anyone who cares to read!

Travis told me tonight that I needed to have concise plans of what I hope to accomplish from Counselling (which starts for sure on Thursday – my counsellor sounded very nice on the phone, so I hope that I like her – I don’t want to play find the right counsellor at this point!). I don’t have a concise list, but I do have thoughts of things I need help to deal with.
1) I have self esteem issues (have always known this)
2) I have abandonment issues (first admitted to a year ago)
3) I need help with my grief of losing Travis and the family that he came with from my life in the way in which they were before - I need help to accept their new role
4) I need help allowing Trav to be my best friend. He is my best friend, I want him to stay that way, but I need help to get there. I still think of him as my fiancé and I know that I shouldn’t, but, I do.
5) I need help making friends.
6) I need help with wanting to live my life. I need help with reasons to get out of bed right now. I need help finding it in me to want to go back to work. I need help to live.
7) I need help with my culture shock of my own culture. I still think that Ghana has a better way of life than we do, and I struggle to want to try to fit into this society. I have never fit in, but at least I used to appear like I did.
8) Right now, I feel like I need help finding a career path that makes me happy – but I think that maybe that is just because I need help with so many other things. I also need to find a balance in my own dreams. I believe all of this comes from within me, I just don’t know how to find it right now.

Although I desperately want to adopt my baby from Ghana (10 points if you know the child’s name. It was a very sad realisation to know that only Travis cared enough when I talked about my baby to know his name, and to care that I wanted to do it), I think I have come to the conclusion that I cannot do it. I am struggling enough with culture shock, I cannot imagine what it would do to a child. I know that children are resilient and bounce back from such things, but I am not sure I can do it. Coming from a culture so vibrant to Western society where we say that showing your culture diminishes other cultures would be a sad way to live. The black population in Prince George is not big enough, not vibrant enough to be able to make up for what I cannot give him. I desperately want a family, and although I have enough love for my child that the absent father would not be as noticed, I would still know that I was failing him in some way. (DON’T DO THE YOU DO NOT FAIL HIM LECTURE!) I want a family. I want to do my best to give my children a full family experience. I believe that I did alright with a ‘broken family’ but I obviously do not want to start my family out that way! Because this child is already 5 years old, he will be at a disadvantage his entire life; he is already behind in school and he needs to learn English before he can really function in our society. At best, I could get him into public school at 8 or 9 years old! No. This is unfair to my child. So, I give up on making him my child, and let him stay in Ghana where he has 29 siblings who would do anything for him. And my heart breaks because I have let go. But, I am letting go for him. Bringing him to Prince George is solely for me. I don’t believe he would get nearly as much out of it as I would, and I cannot justify that. I will always love him, but I cannot bring him here.

I hung out with Travis’s son today (10 more points if you know his name). I miss that family so much. I got a big hug from the boy upon walking into the house, and then he wanted to cuddle as he fell asleep. I wanted dreadfully to cuddle him, but I knew that my heart couldn’t handle the inevitable pain that would bring. So, I kissed his forehead and left the room. He will always be my child as well.

But, being with these two boys and loving them the way I do, I realised that maybe my family doesn’t have to be biological at all. Yes, I would still like a child of my own, but maybe I can be completely happy with other people’s children. Maybe there is something I can do here in PG that will allow me that. I don’t want to be a foster parent, but maybe... something. I have been thinking that I might start volunteering at the soup kitchen on a regular basis, or something equal to that, so that I am reminded that I do matter, and even to strangers. I know I have said it before, but I say it again: family is wherever you find it. If home is where the heart is or where you hang your hat, then family is whoever you let be your family, whoever you care for. As I have been told a lot recently, I have a huge heart and I love unconditionally until proven (sometimes many times) that love is not deserved (if you are reading this, you have not yet proved to me that I should not love you with everything I have). I love, I trust, and I do it with everything I have. I cannot find it in me to be cruel or mean. I cannot ignore anyone. This is what makes me want to do humanitarian work; but who is to say I cannot do it in my home town. We have a huge homeless population; we have thousands of children in foster care. I can find something locally to allow me to help.

With my head slightly clearer from my upped drugs, I can think of these things. A job at CNC has been posted, to which everyone expects me to apply. I do not currently want to, but maybe I should. My finances are low(er) than normal. I need to move out to a place of my own (I need a roommate...), and I need income to do this. I want a new car, but not if I am going overseas. But, if I were to work at CNC for a year or two as the position requires, then I would have time to work all of this out. I know you would all think I had completely lost my mind if I left CNC to go work for Saint Vincent Du Paul’s or something, but it might be the best option for me. I don’t know right now. But I do know that CNC cannot offer me the life I want. If I were to adopt my baby, I would take it for a lifetime to be able to provide for him in the way he deserves, but I don’t think I am going to do that.