Reasons to Care

I am getting worse by the day. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know what to do. I tell myself that I can do this and that I can be better, but I only feel more worthless and helpless to my plight. I feel less able to make it through each day; more prone to tears. I wonder what I am doing and for what purpose. I slept the entire weekend, not even bothering to get dressed on Saturday (thank you for cancelling the yard sale Travis; I guess I needed that, and the stress level went way down because of that). Sunday, too, I slept late and went to bed early, finding myself almost falling asleep during the day. I find myself easily annoyed at everyone and everything. The second aggregation puts me into anger. I know it is silly, but I find myself unable to stop it. I am almost like my own counselor, I know what I should be doing, and I know how I could fix it. I tell myself these answers all the time. (Ok, they are not full answers, but the things I know I should do). The energy level they require is too high. I cannot make myself do it. I try so hard, but I cannot do it.

When I was 16, I had a friend in the hospital for attempted suicide. She was also a chronic liar. I know hate her for all she did to our friends. I will never do the same thing she did to those I love. That determination is the only thing holding my head above water. I feel less will to live than I have ever felt before. I could easily lie down and not move again. On Friday night, in a state of utter exhaustion, I was sitting on Travis’ front lawn. I could have laid down there and not moved until I was no longer so tired. He told me I had to go home. I told him that it didn’t matter whether I slept in a bed or right there on the lawn, two feet away from the curb. That is how much I care about anything. The only reason I am getting up in the morning is a hope that I can make it to Ghana at Christmas with Andrea. Yes. Ghana is still my only motivator. But I cannot force myself to look into ways to bring my career goal into focus. It takes too much time, too much energy to look into. I have dreamt about Baby Leah (surprisingly never my baby boy, who I miss so desperately) twice in the last week. Both times, she was in my care, both times I lost her. I wake up near tears. I miss her desperately, and feel an incredible loss when I fail her. And I do. I fail her in every dream. (Baby Leah is the only one I could justify taking home, because she is the only one I wouldn’t be holding back – but I am fast realizing that I cannot be a mother. Not right now, not like this, so… I guess that is good to know… I always knew it though; I just miss all my babies so much!) Ghana is the only reason I have to live right now though. I know I have good friends and amazing family, but I feel so alone. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t have the energy or strength.

I prayed last night. I told God that I didn’t believe in Jesus, I didn’t believe he created the world in seven days. I believe in evolution. However, I do believe that there is a higher power out there. I believe in Guardian Angels. I have seen the work of higher powers in my life more than once. I believe in something: I may as well call him Zeus! In Ghana, my prayers were answered nightly – I am not sure how, but every day I work up feeling refreshed and able to accomplish any difficulty that was thrown our way. I felt strong, and I knew I was not alone. Last night, I begged for that to happen again. I begged for someone to help me, because I didn’t have the strength to continue to try. I begged for the feelings I felt in Ghana. I fell asleep still feeling empty. I woke up the same. But, I smiled at work today, and people noticed that I was a little better than last week. I am blaming everything on being tired, but I am sure it is much more. I just hope that I do not breakdown at the doctor’s office tomorrow, as I have to come right back to work. However, it might be best for me if I do….

I need help. I know I do. I don’t know what else to do. I fear I need to change counselors, as I fear I have developed beyond her capabilities. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to have to start again. It’s bad enough that I expect to be starting again on anti-depressants. I don’t want to start again on everything. But, I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I don’t know how to change anything. I am out of strength and out of energy. I am out of reasons to care.