Knocked back Down

Because it is too much to ask for the world to give me a break, life comes crashing down again tonight. My hypocritical ex-fiancé is showing all the reasons why he left me again, even though I thought I was doing better without him around. I can’t be in a relationship, or he will commit suicide. I cannot talk about other men, because it hurts him so. But he can post on Facebook that he is in a relationship with someone and not be bothered to tell me. Guess I really don’t matter. He even gave me attitude last week on the fact that I said it was getting less painful to not have him around. I guess everyone was right. I stand up for someone not worth standing up for. This hurts almost as much as everything else he has done for me, but with a little more kick to it.

My second-Mom is really sick. I am afraid I am going to lose her before I really have her. She has touched my life in more ways than I can count, and only in 9 months. But, her attitude is positive, so I will try to remain that way too. It’s hard though, especially when your attitude is not positive regarding anything. I pray for her all the time. The world still needs her. There are not enough people like her. Pray with me?

I came home from work today (worst day ever! I hate people with no work ethic, and of the people I could see, I was the only one working, at all), to a missed phone call. The surgery I was supposed to get two years ago, is now ready to be scheduled. Try as I might, it scares me. It means that it is not over, that it didn’t just go away. Sure, it’s good that I finally get it, but that also means that they could find things I don’t want to deal with anymore, things that I put as the past a couple of years ago. I am trying not to be worried, but I assumed that the doctor’s changed their minds. Originally, I was supposed to get it within two months of when it was ordered. I called four months in, and my name wasn’t on the list. So now, two years and two months later, here I am. I cannot handle the extra blow. I wish they hadn’t called. I was content with dealing with the issue; I have been dealing with it for almost five years now. But no. It bites me again.

I increased my anti-depressants for the last time on this pill. Next time, if this doesn’t help, we are on to try different drugs. I am going to have to go back to the beginning of counseling; this one can’t do enough for me. I think I will keep both though. I need all the help I can get. Especially if the worst is true.

Exhausted, I head off to Relay for Life, where yet again, I will not be talking to my best friend, for an event that I need a friend for.