Living a High

It’s been two weeks since I shaved my head for cancer, and I am loving the new look. It’s so easy to deal with. And, everyday, I feel good about myself. My hair is growing back in so quickly! I still get people with witty remarks, concerned looks and just plain stares, but I am proud of me. I feel as though I have been living off the high created that weekend since then, but maybe it was just what I needed to make some changes in my life. Travis is living with his girlfriend in Hixon, so he is no longer a part of my life. We barely chat. I still miss him desperately, but I almost feel it’s better this way. We can both heal this way, alone, without the other to cause more pain.
I have started to share my scrapbook around the college this week. People have been very pleased with the pictures they have seen. I talked to Jacob (a Prince George Ghanaian man) and he has agreed to take my scrapbook for the kids to them when he goes home next month. So, now I am on a deadline to get it done, and it is once again, reminding me of how much Ghana changed my life. I want to be back, and I don’t really want to come home. However, I still have not started to look into a way to make this my new life. My plan is to visit at Christmas, and have a plan around then! But, I will most likely be home after my visit. I would probably go for a month if I can swing it. Overseas is where I am meant to be though, so I am going to start working on it! Maybe even today. I have doubled my anti-depressants since I came home, and currently am feeling a little better. I am not sure it’s not because I am living off a Relay for Life High or because of the drugs – both happened about the same time. I find myself more able to think about things like a life overseas, but still unable to start the search. But with a deadline from Jacob, I am back into doing my scrapbooks and they still much be perfect! I cannot find the album I have in mind for my own scrapbook, but it is not on a deadline like the children’s, so it will still be perfect! My head keeps telling me that the one I am working on for the kids won’t last more than a week anyways, but I am creating it with so much love!

Despite the mostly positive in my life today, I still feel very negative. My scopes that were ordered two years ago, are happening on Wednesday. I am still terrified of what they hold in store. I am pretty sure that cancer will no longer be a threat, but something is wrong, and we will have to deal with something I am sure. It had been so long that I had just decided that this was the new normal. Now it is possible that it isn’t. And who knows what they will find. A part of me is still convinced that there is still cancer within me. A part of me knows that cervical cancer often comes back within ten years. It has been 4.5 since my biopsy. Ten years isn’t so far away now is it? I know it is a simple procedure, but I am scared. I don’t know what I will do if it is not good news. Think about how poorly I handled all of this five years ago… And then I think a little. Marc and I essentially broke up because of this procedure, because he was afraid of what it might mean for us, but didn’t want to talk to me about it. Now he is engaged and happy, and I haven’t moved too far away from this place. I was engaged, but it was a joke that I wasn’t in on. As I have for the last five years, I feel very alone in regards to this situation. I am scared, and I don’t know who to talk to about it, or what to do.