Another Day Amongst Many

Life. Life is overwhelming me. I still don’t know what to do with it. I still have a week until I can start anything related to counselling. I remain depressed and I am pushing people away, when all I want is for them to care. I told my best friend to go away until he was sure he wanted me in his life today. Then I cried. All I really wanted to do was to talk to him, to find some sort of reassurance in his presence. Instead, I told him to go away. I honestly don’t know – was it the right thing to do? A friend suggested that I sounded like an abused wife. I laughed. But, maybe he was right. I thought that I got rid of the abuse in my life when I got rid of Dennis, but maybe it just came disguised. How many times did we have things go wrong, make up, go back to normal, only to have similar issues again. I always came back; I always still believed. My heart doesn’t believe that it is true, but looking at the logic behind it, I can see it. Despite all that Travis has done, I still believe that he is a wonderful man; I still love him with all my heart. I will not let anyone talk down about him. I still just want to help him. I just know that I cannot. I couldn’t even if I was in a far better place than I currently am. But seeing as I told him to go away, I guess it doesn’t matter what I want.

I started my Ghana scrapbook today (but refuse to be labelled as a scrapbooker). I am over half way through putting the pictures in my book, with the rest going in tomorrow. If it is only going to take 2 days to do a scrapbook, I will not have a big enough project to keep my thoughts level until Thursday when I go for my assessment. Who knows how long it will be before I can actually see a counsellor! I had hoped that doing this project would keep me busy for the week, but right now, that doesn’t look promising. I do however, only have half a day tomorrow. Nickolas starts my day off right and I have evening plans. Then Friday and Saturday loom with nothing to do at all.... Sunday is Bowl For Kid’s Sake and then I have a week of nothing. I know I should look for work, but I don’t feel like I can. I feel like I will only get fired if I do look for work, and that is not something my image can take right now. I cannot make myself look into my goal for next year, although Mom keeps telling me things she has learned for me. I just, can’t do it.

I am thinking about a week vacation. Yes, I know I just came back from a vacation. I am thinking Edmonton, but flights are expensive. Dad suggested Chase again. I don’t want to run away from my problems this year though. I know leaving town last year was the best thing I could do. Somehow this feels like I am running away from me, not going somewhere to help. Maybe it is that no matter what I do in this society, it is not enough. It is not what I think I should be doing. It is not benefiting anyone, including myself.

I don’t know what to do. I miss my best friend, but I am tired of being hurt, tired of being last. I am scared to make new friends. I push old friends away. Soon I will be completely alone, and it will be all my own doing. I know that going to a counsellor will not solve anything. I know it can get worse before it gets better. I just, I just, I just need someone to tell me how to live in a way I can currently handle. I need answers, I need help. And I don’t know where to get it, I don’t know how to ask.

Just Another Manic Monday

Depression is something I have known intimately in myself since I was a young teen. The depression I now feel is something unknown to me. It is no longer me that is the problem, but everything. Yes, I am the problem, but it’s not my state of liking myself. I love myself. I know myself and I like me. But I do not know how to live anymore. Forcing myself out of bed is an accomplishment every morning. Being social with friends that insist I hang out is an accomplishment. It is something I have to work on; I have to try. When I have very few friends, and I need new ones, trying is not something I can afford. I don’t have it in me to care for myself, let alone to try to be a friend! And my best friend, the fact that we are ex’s has finally come to the front. How do we talk about stuff like this, when we are no longer together? We all know that the fact that we are not together is probably half of my battle into unfamiliar territory. I have never given so much of myself; I have never had so much to lose.

I feel incredibly isolated. I know you are saying it’s because I don’t go out; I don’t try. The thing is... I can’t. For some reason, leaving the house terrifies me. Knowing that I have to live up to some sort of norm where one does not cry in public terrifies me. I know that I cannot guarantee that I will not cry. Crying in public only gets me looks of concern; it doesn’t get me anything useful. I cried in public today. And then I cried the whole way home. Somehow, in the safety of my basement, the tears have stopped.

All my life, I have had one dream that remained constant. I want a family. A real family - a husband, children, our own house full of memories. Suddenly, I have a new dream that pretty much takes away the one dream that was such a comfort to dream. With two conflicting dreams, both of which mean the world to me, I don’t know what to fight for, what to look into doing. In my heart I know that I do not want a travelling family. Although cultured children are good, they also lose too much of their childhood making new friends. I doubt that life overseas would be settled.

I called for a counsellor today. I cannot see someone until March 25th, 2010. I am that desperate for help, for a friend that I am willingly going to a counsellor for the first time in my life. I just.... can’t live like this anymore. It’s been almost 3 weeks since I came home, and everyday seems worse than the last. I was warned that coming home would be harder than going over there. I assumed it would be only materialistic. But, I am okay with having everything I have. I expected to merge right back into society, its busy lifestyle, its craziness. Instead, I cannot face it. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I have never belonged where I have been, but now I can’t think of anywhere in this world to try. I cannot go back to Ghana and expect to be happy. I am not happy as an individual. It does not matter where I am if I am not happy as me

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn. And I have never been so depressed before. I have never needed so much when I can have nothing.

Time for A Shrink?

Another day of bipolar emotions; today is a low day. I went for a walk to try to clear the depression from my head. Instead, I found myself (as I always do) scanning the road for Dennis. It’s been a year since he stalked me, and I still look for him everywhere I go. It hit me hard. I look for Dennis because in a town where nothing feels familiar, where emotions are out of place, my fear is familiar. My fear of Dennis stalking me is one of the few things that haven’t changed around here. Isn’t that pathetic. I haven’t thought about him in months, and when I have, it was in an amused way. But the first day I walked around Prince George, I knew I could still find that fear in me. I am not sure it is even fear; I don’t know what it is. I have no desire to talk to him. I don’t want him anywhere near my life. But, always, I scan the road for him; I think every punk is him.

My walk was productive in some ways. I realised a lot that I hadn’t been admitting. I think I need help. It’s been over two weeks. I still get overwhelmed at the thought of talking about it all. If I go out for coffee, I am emotionally drained at the end of it. The only day I have been out and social all day, I burst into tears at dinner time! I need to get out of the house more, but how can I even look for work when I cannot handle hanging out with friends? I need to move out of my Mom’s house, before we drive each other crazy, but I can’t find it in me to read the classified for places to live. I refuse to cook meals. I can’t find the energy to put effort into anything. I only eat if food is easy to find. I am so tired; I could stay in bed all day. I am restless but unwilling to go for a walk most days. I go out only when others decide to make plans with me. I have even had days where I had to force myself to get dressed.

How can the best three months of my life have me so confused; so out of place in my own life? How can the best three months have me thinking that maybe everyone is right; maybe I do need counselling? I don’t want to up my anti-depressants, but maybe it’s the only way? I don’t know what to do, but I am going crazy with myself. I have to do something. I have to be in control again, and right now, I am in control of nothing. My emotions are beyond me, my tears come out of nowhere. I try to force myself to do normal things, and I don’t move. Something has got to give. Maybe it’s me.

Tell me. How do I live my life?

Bipolar

I feel like I am suffering from bipolar depression for the first time in my life. Today a high, tomorrow a low. There seems to be no logical reason. And the tears: look out the waterworks start at any time! Having only experienced depression lows, this is entirely beyond me. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. Let’s recap on my life, maybe, you, my soul reader, can guide me through this.

On Wednesday, Travis, Nathaniel and I went out to Fraser Lake to see Trav’s parents. I hadn’t seen them since Thanksgiving, so I was going with or without Travis. Nathaniel gave me a hug when we picked him up; the tears started to well in my eyes. I blinked them away. No one knew the better. We leave town and my mp3 player plays a song; it hits a cord and tears again arrive. We make it to the farm with no further hitches, and spend a delightful afternoon watching Nathaniel be a goofball with his Grandpa and chatting about life, my trip to Africa and whatever we feel like. All of a sudden, I become so overwhelmed with emotion that when someone asks if I am ok, my answer is a “No” over my shoulder as I head out the door. I promise to be back in 10 minutes for the dinner which was about to be served. Travis, bless his heart, offers to take the bus home. I tell him he is ridiculous; he is coming home in the truck unless he wants otherwise. The drive back to Prince George was somewhat strained, until we remembered how to talk to our best friend. We talked half the way home, and for two hours once we were back in town. Just, best friend stuff. It was the perfect end to an emotional day. I hung with Travis again today, and randomly, I started shaking with tears that came out of nowhere. I couldn’t even try to stop them, I didn’t know they were coming until they were already there! There are so many things wrong with me! However, as I sit here tonight, there are no tears in my eyes. I might be able to salvage my friendship with the best man I have found.

I have this other friend, who I am not sure what to do with. He seems to be flirting even though he keeps his distance. I am still madly in love with Travis, although I am trying to hold that inside, to somehow forget it so I can be his friend. But this friend, I am not even sure how to be his friend knowing that he carries more inside for me than I can even think about. And I don’t know what to do about it. I want to run away so that I don’t have to deal with this problem that I see arising. But he is one of few people who will actually take the time to talk to me while I am depressed as I am. How do I run away from my one friend? How the hell did I find another mess, when my engagement mess is bigger than I can handle? This one is far above my head. I don’t know what to do at all.

All I want is a friend! Someone to talk to. Someone to bounce my thoughts off. Why is this so hard!? It’s because the one person in the world who understands me completely finds it hard to be with me, as I do him. It’s because what we talk about now, is so different from what we want to talk about. It’s because life with him is so easy, so comfortable.

But it doesn’t excuse my manicness! I do not like being manic! I do not like not being in control of my emotions! And I just wake up... annoyed, or happy, and I cannot shake the feeling all day. Nothing got rid of my bad day, nothing could bring me down on my best days. Today, is just a day. I cried, I laughed, I smiled, I gave snarky answers, I was confused. Seems like a good day! I just... wish I had any answers.

Running for Cancer

There are several three word sentences which can change your life. “I love you” changes it for the better. “You have cancer” changes it for the worse. Hearing those three words cause the world to spiral out of control around you; nothing feels like it will be okay again. It doesn’t matter if it is surface cells or stage 4, hearing those three words changes everything. Of course, hearing “I have cancer” from a friend or loved one, is equally as hard.

I have now been on both ends of the spectrum, which is why the Canadian Cancer Society’s Relay for Life is so important to me. As you know, on my 21st birthday, I had a biopsy done of my cervix. The cells were cancerous, but my doctor was able to remove all the cancerous cells that day. I was a lucky one, but I was still totally affected by the words. Every time one of the symptoms comes back, I struggle to fight the tears. It is still very real to me, even if it was only surface cells.

A month ago, someone very dear to me was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer. She starts chemo next week; the doctors have tentatively given her 2-10 years. She will be getting chemo more often than normal because they want to fight it aggressively. Suddenly, two years isn’t long at all. At least the next six months will be chemotherapy for her. This lady is incredible. Her spirit it high; she is ready to fight the disease. She has the support of family, friends and her entire community behind her. I know it will be hard for me to watch her on chemo knowing how poorly I responded to my own problem, but I know that her spirit will remain strong. This is not about me, but about her.

Have you ever listened to a survivor? Cancer survivors are the most incredible, inspirational people I have ever met. People who have looked death in the eye and survived have more spirit than anyone can imagine. These people know the value of life and live it to the fullest.

The Canadian Cancer Society’s Relay for Life is fast approaching. This year, I do not run in self-pity for myself. This year, I run as a survivor, and I run for my friend. I know my friend is more of a survivor than I am already, but I run for both of us.

The Relay for Life is a 24 hour relay taking place at Massich Stadium in Prince George on May 8 and 9th, 2010. It is a time to support those currently fighting the disease, to remember those we have lost to it, and to fight for no one else to hear those life changing words. Until March 26th, registration costs $15. After that, registration is $20. That is really not much for the day of fun you will have. Each participant receives a t-shirt. The day has live entertainment, games, food by donation and is a great atmosphere. Come out and be inspired by a Survivor.

I encourage you to support cancer patients in any way you can. Financial donations go to research and patient care. Coming out to the event shows support for everyone who has heard those three words in their lifetime. For those of you not in Prince George, find an event near you to support.

This year, I run for Marlene. Who are you fighting for?

Learning to Let Go.

I have been home almost 2 weeks, definitely back in our country for that long. I am not sure I am doing any better, but I know I am not doing any worse. I went to the doctor yesterday. Along with treating me for all my various African diseases that I picked up along the way and ignored, she is worried about my mental health. I don’t blame her. I am more worried about why I am always so damn tired, but she says they are probably related. My fiancé left me; we can’t up my drugs for that. I admit I kept holding on to the thought we could fix it. I know this was wrong. Everything in my being today tells me that he is gone (again). This is a feeling I have learned to trust in the last year; the feeling that my heart hurts and my soul is empty. I held on, despite everything, because I love him more than life in this country. I want to fix at least the friendship. I am not ready to lose him completely.

Because there is now a lump in my throat and tears blurring my vision, we are going to talk about new things! (well.... somewhat....)

I realised on the weekend that I had the best year of my life in the last 10 months. I need to make it all the best year, and then keep going from there; the best life! Starting at 25, my life will be what I want it to be. A year ago next month, I had a complete mental breakdown. I picked myself up, found the girl I wanted to be, and went on with my life. Travis was beside me every step of the way, encouraging me. Then Travis and I started actually dating, as opposed to, whatever we were doing all those months before when we wouldn’t accept a relationship. Travis and I had the best summer of my life. It was amazing: full of road trips, laughs, love and fun. When he proposed, I thought all my dreams had come true, and I was ready for that step of my life. Turns out, love wasn’t enough in this case. I don’t hold any hard feelings to Travis, and indeed, I would work it all out if we could. Life is beating him up right now, and I know it’s not his fault at all. I know how hard it is. If you remember, he walked me through my own breakdown... I just want to be there for my friend. I want him to remain my best friend, because I have never had a friend like him before, and I know I never will.

My three months in Ghana were another amazing few months for me. I lived as myself, not as an actor trying to fit into the picture that society, family and friends had painted for her over the years. I know that no one meant to make a mould for me, but I never fit it properly. Back in Canada, I am struggling with that mould once again. I don’t want to live it; I don’t know how to break it.

Today, I am finding it hard to face the day. I stayed in bed for an hour after I woke up. I now sit at my computer, wearing my pj’s and finding reasons to hate everyone and everything. A big part of me knows these feelings today are because I feel so empty, and I fear that the chat Travis and I are supposed to have later today will take away the last of the hope I have been living with since I got home.

I have to remember what I learned a year ago during my breakthrough. I am in control of me. I am the one who decides if I have happy or sad. I need to take control. Right now, I don’t know how to do this; I feel so empty. However, I do have a dream, and if I work towards this dream, maybe I can feel content enough to make me happy. It’s a different kind of happy than I imagined I could come home to, but I can still be happy. I have had the best year of my life; if I give up now, I am turning my back on it and I cannot do that to myself. Whatever life throws at me, I have to be in control. I am in control. I will be who I want to be. Somehow. Some day.

Taking Control, Baby Steps

A little happier today, but still struggling with everything. But, I am at the point where I am driving myself crazy, and so, I need to do something about something! And so, I am going to do my best (which I have not been doing) to take control of my life again. I am going to try to be the girl that is inside, the girl I was able to be in Ghana without anyone asking questions. I have not got used to society again, I have not regained who I want to be, but I can try, and I haven't done that yet. Life is still a struggle. I barely get out of bed for lack of wanting to be here, for lack of things to do. But, as of today, I am going to try.

I was walking down the street yesterday and someone greeted me. Just a Good Afternoon or a Hello or something casual, but it startled me. She was the first stranger to talk to me since I came home. She didn't know I had been to Ghana, she didn't know my heart was aching, but she said hello to me. I feel that people only want to talk to me because I have been away. I am going to try to be that person again. The one that has a smile and a greeting for the strangers on the street. You know that it makes you smile when someone actually sees you there, and acknowledges your presense. I might not have seen the friendly nation we are known for, but I can help bring it back. New goal: smile and say hello to everyone I meet.

I saw my little brother today, for the first time in four months. He was so happy to see me. I almost cried. This little guy makes me almost cry a lot. He rattled on about his life like I had never been gone, filling me in on what was new and important. To him, I am everything. I am his best friend. I am an adult who listens to him, no matter what he has to say. I encourage him, I support him. To him, I matter. Listening to him made my heart smile. It made my whole body smile. If only I could have him in my world every day.

Well that got me thinking. Children have always been my life; they have always been what matters to me. I might be a fool, but I asked Travis if he thought that maybe I could babysit Nathaniel once in a while. Nathaniel also helped change my world, even though neither him nor his father are aware of it. I hate letting children down, and unfortunately, I have let Nathaniel down. It is not my fault, nor my doing, but I can take some steps to correct it. I can still be a part of his life, if his parents will let me. I have another plan for Nathaniel too, but I know that no one will support it. I would do the same plan with Nickolas, but I am not sure that I am able to do it. SOmething to look into anyways. It will make me smile, it will make me proud of my role in these boys' lives when they meant everything to me once upon a time.

So, where else can I get children back into my life. Children light my life in a way no one else can, which is why Ghana was so easy for me. It is also why I know that I have to do something more with my life. I could go back into Guiding, but as a 'parent' helper, not an actual leader. I say that because I do not plan to be back in Prince George for more than a year before I pick up my new dream and go with it. It's too big of a committment for a couple months. But I could help again. And that would put more children into my life for me to give everything I have to. I just want to love and feel loved. Children, I have found, are the only way to find true love. Children will never hurt you as much as other adults. Children need us, and I need them. I could give all my time to children's things, it might make me feel like there is something worth living for. In my head, I know that by living my dream of humanitarian work, I probably give up my dream of a family. It is too much to ask of someone, it is too much to expect that like me, they find peace in living in poverty. But I also know that family is who you pick to be your loved ones. The orphanage was as much a family to me, as the family I imagined for myself upon my return. I loved those children as if they were my own, and they all loved me back in return. That is a family. A family is where you love and are loved back. It does not need blood or legal ties. All you need is love. I can find love anywhere I am willing to give it.

But none of that gets me over the emptiness I feel. It just covers the emptiness with a different kind of fulfilment. It does not make the pain go away. It is that that I do not know how to deal with. Life I do not know how to deal with. But as I left Nickolas to enjoy the rest of his day, my heart was full and light for the first time since I said goodbye to Ghana, and that reminded me of the important things in life.