Just eat my love, please

I always thought I would be a good mother but I am sure not feeling like I am. Illyana is on hunger strike. She has been for a while. The cold that started it has come and gone. Another round has hit. We have started cheering for every morsel she puts in her mouth. It's still such a small amount. She is so skinny. I'm terrified for our next pediatrician appointment next week. I dont want her back on a feeding tube. I dont want to go back to the hospital.

I was at my doctor for myself and he asked about Illyana. I said that she wasnt eating again. She has never ate breakfast. He asked what I give her - breakfast doesnt need to be cereal you know. I said that morning I had given her ice cream and she still didnt eat it. He told me to get back to the dietitian but i know she has nothing else to offer me. I saw her about a month ago. I have called to make an appointment but missed the office before the holidays. My doctor said I needed the appointment to cover my ass basically. He said he didnt want anyone to say "what did the parents do for this kid". The parents have done everything. Everything.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch your kid not eat day after day? How hard it is to not lose your patience when she says no to 20 different meal items at every meal? I offer everything I can find. I'm currently allowing cookies at every meal because at least they have soemthing in them. I dont know what else to do. I'm at a loss. I dont have any more to add amd she wont take anything. If she doesnt want it she throws it at me. They tell me that kids wont starve themselves but it sure feels like she is. Her energy level is still high and she still has wet diapers. So maybe she isnt but she sure isnt growing. She remains in 12-18 month clothes. She is 19 lbs. I know the pediatrician isnt going to be happy.

We are seeking an autism assessment for her. Toddler autism often shows as minimal food intake, lack of sleep, mixed development, speech delay. Illyana has always been different. She went on the speech language waitlist before she was a year and we have just started seeing the pathologist. She is still up every couple hours in the night although she is finally napping most days. Her eating skills have been deemed appropriate. Her eating problems are behavior and not medical. I'm hoping the pediatrician acknowledges all of this and will do whatever I need to seek a private assessment. We could have a private assessment within 6 months and put in more supports for her. We are on the waitlist for a sensory profile with the occupational therapist. She will be receiving extra one on one support at daycare in the next month or so. I am seeking all these things but they will not make her eat better. They will not take away the stress it causes me when she wont eat.

I know I am doing everything for her. I know that she is lucky to have us for her parents. I know she is ahead of the game because we have had all the issues we have had. We are ahead because I work in child and youth mental health and my team leader encouraged us to pursue an assessment. But my patience is thin and I feel like such a garbage mom. I want to be more for her. I want to be everything she needs. Maybe I am but I dont feel it. Mostly I just want her to eat. Nothing else about her bothers me except that she wont eat. Please eat my baby, you are mama's world.

Mom Ramblings

Illyana is sick.  It is just a cold but she has been sick for 2 months.  It’s so hard watching her be sick.  I know every parent can attest to that.  What I am really struggling with is what illness means for Illyana.  Like most of us her appetite decreases when she is sick (fevers seem to be the worst).  But Illyana has been 15 pounds for 4 months.  We have  weigh in next week that I am not looking forward to.  I am afraid that because she is sick and not eating again we are going to be re-hospitalized.  This is something the pediatrician hinted at when I saw him last week.  He said that he would have left Illyana on a tube until she gained substantial weight.  He figures that Children’s Hospital ignored the fact that she had been 15 pounds since December and focused on that she had a cold and lost weight.  Based on these comments, I don’t know what a poor weight gain will mean.  So the fact that Illyana is sick (again? Still?) Is worrisome.  She had been doing pretty good with eating, despite having a runny nose, but since the fever started a week ago she has done far less well.  I’m not sure shes eaten a full meal in a day in the last week.  She is drinking milk and I am putting as many calories as I can into her milk.  Milk with whipping cream; milk with milk powder.  She won’t drink chocolate milk or milk with yogurt.  The last couple days she has been less energetic and less happy, making it that much harder on me.  I  am hyper aware of her caloric intake and it stresses me out when she doesn’t eat.  I then find myself frustrated that she isnt eating.  Part of encouraging her to eat is making mealtime enjoyable and cheerful and happy.  Me being stressed and frustrated makes for none of those things making it a unhelpful cycle.  I know this but I still end up there.  I know that knowing I end up there is the first step in trying to change my reactions but its hard when I m so worried about her.  I don’t want to go back to the hospital for tube feedings.  Illyana is finally starting to settle into some sort of a routine and to be calm again.  The last trip to the hospital really screwed us up.  Not to mention my job.  I want to be at work.  I am excited about my position and think I will really enjoy it.  But I have successfully worked 2 full weeks of the last 8.  And I want to be there.  In January and February I felt like something was missing in my life.  I realized it was having a purpose beyond my home (which is an incredible thing to do I just needed something more, including adult conversation).  Me not working is not an answer to our problems right now.  My Team Leader has assured me that I am not going to lose my job because I have to be with my child (I know that should be a given but I feel like a crappy team member and crappy  hire).  I felt like I was skipping work when I saw my manager at the store on the day Illyana couldn’t be t daycare.  Annoyingly I thought illyana wa feeling better at day and then she got worse 
I realize this is rambling, my life is rambling.  I don’t know how to help Illyana.  I don’t know how to make her healthy.  I don’t know how to get her to eat more. I think she gets so sick because she is so little.  Her 15 pounds just cant fight all these colds at daycare.  I can’t pull her from daycare because I don’t have a support system that can take her and allow me to work.  Nick works night shift and can’t be awake all day to watch her.   We only have one family member in town and he is not well.  My peeps work.
I know there are no easy answers and I know that every parent struggles in some way with all of this in one way or another.  I’m just struggling right now.  I am also realizing that these struggles are maybe just beginning.  I’m afraid (not terrified but worried?) That eating is just the beginning of our struggles and that more is coming down the line.  There is just something different about illyana.  Don’t get me wrong, she is perfect, just different and that’s okay.  We just need to keep doing our thing and dealing with whatever as it comes our way.

But today, I am struggling.  Illyana hasn’t eaten well since last Monday.  She is an unhappy sick today.  I would do anything to make her happy but I don’t know what to do besides wrap her in hugs and cuddles.  Maybe that’s enough but it doesn’t feel like it.

Grief

I talked with  mom of a “unique needs" child today and she helped me understand a lot.  I need to let go of the idea of what parenting looks like and accept our reality.  Illyana is not quite your typical kid and she needs to be treated for who and what she is.  And I need to make her needs work for me.  Cheering for her is unnatural to me but she needs it.  Illyana is so socially motivated and I am an introvert.  We find a level that works for us.  And I might be cheering lots of things I never dreamed I would cheer for because that’s what my kiddo needs.  But the part that really got me is that I don’t just need to let go of my ideals, but I need to grieve them as well. This is not what I expected and its not what the majority of my friends have dealt with, but obviously it is what our adventure is.  Illyana may or may not grow out of her unique needs and we may or may not add other unique needs to who she is.  But she is perfectly Illyana.  I am still kind of in denial so the grief is still to come but its getting closer.  Maybe the grief will live quietly or maybe it will explode out (I’m kind of a one or the other type girl).  But when that grief does come, I already know today’s conversation will make it that much easier.  It’s not grieving my child; its grieving expectations that don’t match reality and moving on to accept and embrace our reality.  I’m in the perfect job for a unique needs child as I get to learn a lot about mental health and some healthy means of coping for all of us.
It really does take a village to raise a child (and support a mama) and I have learned how big and wonderful our village is in the last month.   Thanks for being part of our village

Calories

I’m frustrated. What else is new? As you know, Illyana and I spent 18 days on the hospital recently. All sorts of tests were ran and it was decided that there is nothing wrong with Illyana, she simply does not consume enough calories. Except that it took 18 days of trauma for this to be determined. She had a tube in her nose forcing formula into her. The tube had to be inserted multiple times because they struggled to tape it to her face in such a way that she couldn’t pull it out. She had blood work done three times. Eating became a bigger deal than I would like it to be. Our sleep schedule was disrupted. Daily she would be woken up after falling asleep by a medical professional needing something. At night she was still poked and prodded although she, thankfully, slept through most of those. She got even less sleep than she does on a regular basis. I had to hold her flailing little body down until she would relax into sleep. If she awoke in the night, she sought me out, seeking reassurance she wasn’t alone. And after 18 days of unknown territory, with stressful visitors, we were told to carry on as we were previously. Except those 18 days changed everything. Nine months of sleep training is out the window. Illyana is terrified if I am out of sight. She will still only fall asleep touching me. She slept through the night at the hospital. Last night she was awake every hour. Our routine is gone and we are re building it. But our routine also took months in the making. We took 2 weeks to get used to going to daycare. He went for half day last week but our getting there routine is gone. We are back to work/daycare tomorrow and I don’t know how our morning will go (let’s be honest, I never know, but I m even less sure now). We missed Illyana's vaccinations because we were in the hospital. Vaccinations have never bugged her, she’s always carried on with her life. This set has her with fever – is that the vaccinations, that she is run down or that it scared her more? I don’t know but fevers are not conducive to getting more calories in her as she doesn’t eat when she's not feeling well. Maybe the mot frustrating part is that I have been told to carry on with what I was doing. There is nothing medically wrong with her and physically, there is no reason why she doesn’t eat well. This means that there are no suggestions to offer us. The best suggestion is to cheer loudly every time she does something good eating. It is so unnatural and uncomfortable for me to do this. I get that she respond to social praise but it cant be the only way can it? I’m also supposed to eat the same thing as her so that she see me eating it and wants to eat it too. But shes on a high fat diet that I don’t want to be on. She doesn’t sleep so things like dishes don’t get done s much as I would like. I don’t want to cook two (or 3, depending on Nick’s diet)meals. I struggle to make meals as it is. Then I get told that all food is good food and I am a role model for my daughter in how I view food. Sure but adults don’t need the same fat and they wouldn’t be telling m it’s good foo. The whole give her straight fat is a bizarre concept to me. I feel so alone in this adventure. There is so much pressure to gain weight and eat enough food that I stress out when she doesn’t eat well. We are doing weekly weigh ins. What happens if she doesn’t gain appropriately? I still have so many professionals in my life but no one has any concrete suggestions for me. I have been trying g for 7 months, clearly it I not working! I get that it is me and Illyana the need to figure it out together, I just wish someone could help me. I feel like I’m failing. I feel like I’m failing Illyana. I need help but it I not something anyone can help with.

Milestones

Parenting is hard. I am 9 months in and still feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I question myself daily. Sometimes, the cause of my frustration is a lack of sleep and then Illyana is a goofball when I just want to get things done (diaper changes are the major cause of this - I want to clean her up and she wants to roll around and play). But other times, I think it is wondering if she is developing normally and if she's not, is it because of something I am doing or not doing.

Illyana sees a whack of professionals, including a pediatrician, physiotherapist, the infant development program, and is on the client list for the speech and language pathologist and the occupational therapist although she has, thankfully, not really required their services yet. She sees all of these people because she had a feeding issue at 3 months, which involved a hospitalization while they figured out exactly what was going on. We learned a lot in that visit and the follow ups which happened. It was a small thing that required more adjustments on my end than anything.

I appreciate all the help these professionals have given us but I sometimes think that they make things harder on me.

Illyana is slightly behind on her development. I don't think it is anything to worry about. She's so smart and active. She's just Illyana. I also know that all babies develop differently and at their own pace. Milestones and development trackers drive me crazy for this reason.

Every time we get vaccinations there is a checklist. At 2 months, she missed one of six items. At 4 months she missed a little more. At 6 months even more. At six months, we also completed the ages and stages questionnaire and Illyana only was low on her gross motor development which was expected with her feeding issues. But looking at the vaccination questionnaire, I couldn't help but feel like we were doing soemthing wrong.

Earlier this week, we did the 9 month questionnaire. Illyana was 8 months, 3 weeks. We were not doing well on it. I said "no" to a lot of questions before it was suggested we do the 8 month test. We did much better on that scale but had two new areas come up that Illyana is "behind" on.

The thing is, if we didn't have all these professionals around, we would still think our baby is the perfect little girl she is. Instead, I look at these checklists and wonder what I am doing wrong. Should I be doing more with her? Should I be teaching her things I am not? I follow her lead, I play with her. I wonder if there is something "wrong" with her.

I know in my heart that she is just Illyana and I see her as the perfect little girl she is. I see a goofball with a big personality. I see a strong willed little girl who will take the world by storm. I see a little girl, determined to army crawl as fast as she can around the whole house. And I know she is perfect. But she falls into the "needs monitoring" category in two of five or six categories, and in new categories from where she has previously been "behind".

I also struggle with the professionals giving me suggestions on how to be with her, how to help her. Sometimes it feels like they are saying why is she doing this? What are you doing to make her like this? Which is maybe what I want to hear since I often feel like I am failing her anyways.... its hard to have professionals involved. It's hard to see the checklist saying she's behind and then hear (even if only internally) that it is something you are doing.

I know these questions have been asked since the beginning of time and I know that anyone reading this will say that Illyana is fine, I'm doing a great job and all that. And I know all those things. But when a child is not meeting milestones for any reason, it becomes extra hard to smile. Illyana is days away from her 9 month birthday and there are things on the 3-6 month checklist that I cannot say she does. I don't know how to make it better for her.

Sometimes, I want to walk away from the professionals so that I can just enjoy my perfect baby girl but I know that they are important in case we reach more critical levels. I would rather her be seen and monitored, and early intervention applied if needed than not be seen, or be on waitlist for years. It's just so hard, seeing her not meeting the milestones on a piece of paper.

Parenting is hard. I feel like a failure but she looks at me with such love. I see the milestone checklists and we work on the things we are missing. But she is perfect, in every way and I wouldn't change her for anything.

Life is a Juggling Act

Long time, my blog.  I need somewhere to talk about life: raising my family and growing up, so I am back!


This weekend Nick picked up 2 overtime shifts. This meant he worked 22 hours in 2 shifts and that he didn't have a weekend.

I found myself frustrated that we didnt share time together, that I was the only person awake with the baby. I was tired and wanted my husband's support. I wanted some alone time and it didn't happen. I felt frustrated that he chose work over his family.

But this goes both ways.

Nick was frustrated that I was annoyed he was working 2 overtime shifts. He will get paid for an entire extra week of work on those 2 days. The only money coming into this household comes from him working right now (that's what sharing EI does). He says it's a month of daycare paid for in one weekend of work. Its our groceries. Its Christmas dinner for the family and gifts for the family. It's important.

Both arguements are valid and important. It's not every weekend he works overtime and it's been a long time since he did a double overtime shift. I have asked him not to take double shifts for a while, that it is too hard on our family unit. He said ok. At this point, Illyana gets excited when he enters the room but doesn't wonder where he is when he's gone. Soon she will be used to the routine that she sees Daddy when we get up and before she goes to bed. When she is older we can explain that Daddy is at work (and Mommy will also be at work sometimes). But we both still miss him.

Life is a juggling act. Money is necessary for survival. Family is important for everything. As partners, we need to find a balance that works for us. I learned this weekend that him working 22 hours in his weekend doesnt work for me. But I also remembered that he didn't take the shifts because he didnt want to spend time with us. He knew that he was giving up his weekend, giving up time with Illyana and his wife.

This is life. It's beautiful, messy, and complicated. We make decisions in an instant and sometimes it's the wrong decision. We love, learn, change and grow. And hopefully next time we both make better choices. But at the end of the day, there is always love 

Systemic Reform Required

Our system (health, justice, social development, the whole deal) is failing us.  Today I write with a heavy heart.  Today I write in utter disbelief on what we have to deal with.  I write in frustration for the barriers that exist. 

My clientele are homeless or marginally housed.  They are low-income and many are unable to work, for a variety of reasons.  Many struggle with addictions.  Many struggle with disabling conditions of mental health.  Many struggle with both addiction and mental health.  Most have horrific stories that involve sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect.  Many grew up in foster care.  Many of their families struggle with similar issues.  There are two and three generations of families that frequent our doors.  There are many clients who have diagnosed or undiagnosed physical or mental conditions, such as FASD, Autism, generalized intellectual delay or physical ailments. We have a handful of clients who are wheelchair bound, and more who require the aid of a cane to get around. Our clients are from multiple nationalities, including Aboriginal.  They are seen as less than human, “scum”, worthless members of society, wasting resources, undeserving of support and services, to describe just a few of the phrases I have heard them described as.

Many of my clients do not have a family doctor they can see about any ailments they have.  Many have recently been “fired” from their family doctor.   The stories coming from our guests is familiar: their long-term doctor retired and the new doctor decided they didn’t need their pain killers (it’s an addiction not really required).  These patients, in pain and suffering withdrawal from the powerful narcotics they have been using for many years, escalate and tell the doctor that they need their prescription. They are “fired” for escalating and most likely raising their voice in frustration. They are “fired” for being a junkie.  And within a month, these people take more drastic measures; normally looking like attempted suicide because they cannot live this life anymore.  We call 9-1-1 to help them.  In my experience, the first (and only) responders are the RCMP, who cuff the individual and maybe take them to the hospital but more likely take them to cells.

Without a family doctor, and unable to go into health establishments for “inappropriate behaviour”, our people are left only with the Emergency Room at the local hospital.  The experiences at the hospital have a similar ring to them as well.  “I waited for three hours for them to tell me I am a degenerate and unworthy of their attention.  I waited three hours for them to deny me services.  When I questioned them, stating I am in a need of medical attention, they tell me they will call the RCMP to have me removed”.  I hear things like “they told me my condition did not require medical attention, but I never saw the doctor”.  This happens to males and females, Aboriginal and non-Aboriginals.  It is more noteworthy when we have a guest who is actually seen at the hospital and not just sent away without receiving any care.

There is a distinct lack of services available to the people I serve.  The unit for psychiatric assessment and stabilization, which includes management of chemical withdrawal only has eight beds and the beds are normally full.  We have been told in the last couple of months that chemical withdrawal is no longer a treatment they can provide.  That means that there is nowhere in town that can offer detox services.  We have a centre called “Mental Health and Addiction Services”.  Our guests that have both mental health and addiction issues are turned away at both ends.  Mental health cannot treat them if they are actively using.  Addiction says that they psychosis they experience is not an addiction issue but a mental health issue.  (I do not see why the two teams cannot work together and help find a solution to the problem!).  Our guests also have their files closed at Mental Health and Addiction because they miss appointments.  I understand that the case loads are heavy, but having an understanding of mental health issues or addiction issues will tell you that appointments are hard for people to keep.  These clinicians make no effort to come to the client.  They then have to go through the entire intake process and wait for a clinician to be assigned to them, thus ruining any relationship they may have had with their previous worker.  It is a new thing every time, including telling their story over again to someone they do not know or trust.

We had a woman who had a heroin addiction, and was using heavily.  She knew she was in trouble.  She tried to get into the psychiatric treatment ward, whose mandate states the unit is “to provide psychiatric assessment and stabilization, including management of chemical withdrawal” but was told there were no beds.  She called the next town and put herself on the waiting list for the detoxification centre there.  She wasn’t sure how she would get there but knew she needed to help herself.  She overdosed several times, requiring the use of a defibrillator.  She showed up at the homeless shelter and asked us to clean the wound caused by one of the defibrillators.  The wound was infected (I did not see it but a nurse who works with us described it as the grossest thing she has ever seen).  We told this woman she needed to go to the hospital for treatment.  She said she couldn’t go there again, that she didn’t receive treatment in the past.  We sent a staff member with her and she had the wound cleaned and was given antibiotics.  The doctor at the hospital gave a referral for medical supplies so that she could clean and dress her chest wound herself (or, I guess, have the staff at the homeless shelter do it).  As she couldn’t afford to buy the supplies, she had to put in an application to the Ministry of Social Development for emergency medical supplies funding.  The hoops that had to be jumped through to keep this wound clean!  It was a good thing that we were there to help her because there were a lot of steps to getting funding to provide the supplies needed.  It wasn’t even a week after we learned of her infection that she passed away.

We had a man who had been living in his own place for about two months.  He came back to the shelter incredibly sick.  He was delusional and hallucinating.  He was weak and barely able to walk.  He was coughing up blood.  He said he had been to the hospital and they had run some tests.  He said he was supposed to come back in a week.  Our staff took action after a couple of days of him being sick and went to a doctor’s appointment with him.  The doctor told us he had pneumonia and gave us a prescription.  He continued to get worse.  Our janitorial staff reported there were pools of dried blood under his bed.  We took him to the hospital for more tests.  His EKG was way out of whack, his heart was not working properly.  It was our nurse who took him to the hospital.  She thought he would be admitted that day.  He wasn’t.  He was sent back to the homeless shelter.  That same night we had to call an ambulance for him.  He died two days later.

We have a young woman who wants to get help with her addiction.  I watched her struggle to say clean for a week while trying to get into treatment.  A staff member and her attended the hospital with the hopes of getting into the local detox and were turned away.  This young woman then called the next town and put herself on the waiting list for detox there.  She called them daily looking for a bed.  She wanted to get clean and knows she cannot do it on her own (and that we are not qualified or capable to help her in the current setting).  She waited all week.  Then the chance was gone for a while.  She has tried to check herself into the psychiatric ward at least another time since.  She came back to the shelter in tears.  She was called names and put down by the nurses at the hospital.  She was told that she had refused treatment last time she was in (she had waited several hours and had left because she had not seen a doctor yet) and that they weren’t going to waste their time with her again.  Defeated, she told me that she would never go to the hospital again because it wasn’t worth her dignity. 

We have a young man who was admitted into the psychiatric facility for a week.  When he was released from the facility, he came and talked to us about treatment options for himself.  He got himself accepted into a treatment facility in a different part of the province for young men.  He did everything on his own, with our encouragement and guidance.  He applied for extra money on top of his disability cheque to buy his bus ticket and the supplies he needs to attend this treatment program.  The Ministry of Social Development was happy to pay his bus ticket and his food/clothing allowance but balked at the intake fee required by the treatment centre.  It is a private treatment centre so they refused to pay the fee.  Frustrated, he told me he should just hang himself.  I encouraged him to hang on, to let us make some calls.  Our staff called the treatment centre, advocated for him, praised him for taking all the steps on his own, and the treatment centre agreed to take him without the intake fee.  This young man is over the moon happy that he is off to turn his life around.  This is my only success story today.

We have a young man, who struggles with drug induced psychosis (so no help from Mental Health and Addictions because he is the classic example of how the teams cannot work together to help him – is it addiction or is it mental health help he needs?).  When this young man is escalating, the only choice staff have if they are unable to calm him, is to call the RCMP on him and have him removed from our premises.  We try not to call the RCMP on him, as it is a breach of his trust in us as people who are on his side and want to help him, but sometimes it is for the safety of himself and our other guests that we have to make the call.  Last week this young man was called into the RCMP by a community member.  The RCMP were able to get him admitted into the psychiatric ward for 24 hours under the Mental Health Act.  When he returned to the shelter he was incredibly upset that staff would betray him like that.  We assured him that we did not make the call but he was unable to believe us.  Yesterday he assaulted a staff member while in a state of psychosis.  RCMP came and picked him up, and took him back the psychiatric facility.  He was turned away at the door.  RCMP told us that they could hold him for a couple hours but that they would have to release him.  Because he has put our staff safety at risk, he is being denied access to the only home he knows, the shelter.  We cannot allow him in as he is posing a safety risk to staff and other guests.  Our Executive Director is thinking we might have to charge him with assault so that he does jail time, as that is the only safe place for him right now.

This system is broken.  A mentally ill man, who is suffering right now, has been kicked out of the only place in town he is comfortable at all.  He has nowhere else to go.  We are the only shelter.  He does not have healthy family to live with. He is unwell and is unable to maintain his own house.  The psychiatric ward will not admit him.  Mental Health and Addiction say he is not their problem.  Our only option is to have him thrown in jail!  That is the last place we want him to be.  It breaks all of our hearts to have that decision made for us.

It is not the first, and it will not be the last time our guests have to do jail time because of their addiction.  Are there treatment options while they are in jail?  If he does his time can he not get the help he needs while there?  It doesn’t seem to be that way.  Our guests return clean.  Within a couple days they are back into their addiction.  I realize our facility does not help these guests to stay clean as there are so many addicted people around that it can be easy to fall back into the lifestyle. 

We need somewhere where people with addictions can go when they are ready to make a change.  It needs to be immediate access.  At least once a month a client tells us that they are tired of their lifestyle and want to make a change. They tell us that they are heading to the hospital to check themselves into the psychiatric unit.  About three hours later, they return, frustrated, defeated, and often having used their substance of choice quite heavily.  When they get turned away they feel like they may as well enjoy their substance because they can’t get off it on their own anyways.  We had a man who wanted to go to detox.  By the time we were able to get him a bed in detox, and even drove him to the centre, he didn’t want to go.  He was back in town the next day.  I asked him what happened.  He told me “I wanted to go on Tuesday.  By Friday, I didn’t want to go, so I came back”.  When someone wants to make a change in their lives there needs to be immediate access.  People need to be treated with dignity and respect.  They don’t need to be told they are wasting resources.  They don’t need to be called names.  My clients are as entitled to proper medical care as you and I.  I know that the one day I visited the same Emergency Room as my guests do, I waited three hours, but I saw a doctor, he was patient and he did his job.  I expect the same treatment for my clients.  My issue was probably less pressing than the issues my clients show up with, because I know for most of them, previous treatment tells them they will be treated poorly and they only go if they absolutely have to.

It is not okay.  The system is not okay.  Our guests are discriminated against from every angle.  They are on social assistance (and half the world thinks they should be drug tested to receive any money to live on).  Social assistance does not pay enough to live on.  They are addicts and have mental health issues, which is something that scares the general population. (I will admit that before I knew anything about mental health or addiction, it scared me a little too).  Society looks on our guests with disdain.  In conversations we hear a lot of “them vs us” – those people do blah, blah, blah.  Our guests are ignored when they go places, or treated rudely and threatened with RCMP.  In the six months I have worked at the shelter, our people have been told they cannot hang out here but over there.  This changes the next month and they get kicked further away.  Currently, they are allowed to gather on a sandbank on the river.  I am waiting for an accident where one of our guests falls into the river.  We are looking for a new facility as ours is beyond repair.  We have a location in mind, but our neighbours, Mental Health and Addiction do not think we are good neighbours.  Wouldn’t it be interesting if Mental Health and Addiction could see what we see in our guests, and be close enough to make meeting the client easier for the client?  I did not expect resistance from agencies I see as on our side, our partners.  Our guests have stories that will break your heart if you are willing to listen.  Our guests deserve the same treatment you and I expect.  I am so frustrated for them.  The system is broken and our guests suffer the most.