Mom Ramblings

Illyana is sick.  It is just a cold but she has been sick for 2 months.  It’s so hard watching her be sick.  I know every parent can attest to that.  What I am really struggling with is what illness means for Illyana.  Like most of us her appetite decreases when she is sick (fevers seem to be the worst).  But Illyana has been 15 pounds for 4 months.  We have  weigh in next week that I am not looking forward to.  I am afraid that because she is sick and not eating again we are going to be re-hospitalized.  This is something the pediatrician hinted at when I saw him last week.  He said that he would have left Illyana on a tube until she gained substantial weight.  He figures that Children’s Hospital ignored the fact that she had been 15 pounds since December and focused on that she had a cold and lost weight.  Based on these comments, I don’t know what a poor weight gain will mean.  So the fact that Illyana is sick (again? Still?) Is worrisome.  She had been doing pretty good with eating, despite having a runny nose, but since the fever started a week ago she has done far less well.  I’m not sure shes eaten a full meal in a day in the last week.  She is drinking milk and I am putting as many calories as I can into her milk.  Milk with whipping cream; milk with milk powder.  She won’t drink chocolate milk or milk with yogurt.  The last couple days she has been less energetic and less happy, making it that much harder on me.  I  am hyper aware of her caloric intake and it stresses me out when she doesn’t eat.  I then find myself frustrated that she isnt eating.  Part of encouraging her to eat is making mealtime enjoyable and cheerful and happy.  Me being stressed and frustrated makes for none of those things making it a unhelpful cycle.  I know this but I still end up there.  I know that knowing I end up there is the first step in trying to change my reactions but its hard when I m so worried about her.  I don’t want to go back to the hospital for tube feedings.  Illyana is finally starting to settle into some sort of a routine and to be calm again.  The last trip to the hospital really screwed us up.  Not to mention my job.  I want to be at work.  I am excited about my position and think I will really enjoy it.  But I have successfully worked 2 full weeks of the last 8.  And I want to be there.  In January and February I felt like something was missing in my life.  I realized it was having a purpose beyond my home (which is an incredible thing to do I just needed something more, including adult conversation).  Me not working is not an answer to our problems right now.  My Team Leader has assured me that I am not going to lose my job because I have to be with my child (I know that should be a given but I feel like a crappy team member and crappy  hire).  I felt like I was skipping work when I saw my manager at the store on the day Illyana couldn’t be t daycare.  Annoyingly I thought illyana wa feeling better at day and then she got worse 
I realize this is rambling, my life is rambling.  I don’t know how to help Illyana.  I don’t know how to make her healthy.  I don’t know how to get her to eat more. I think she gets so sick because she is so little.  Her 15 pounds just cant fight all these colds at daycare.  I can’t pull her from daycare because I don’t have a support system that can take her and allow me to work.  Nick works night shift and can’t be awake all day to watch her.   We only have one family member in town and he is not well.  My peeps work.
I know there are no easy answers and I know that every parent struggles in some way with all of this in one way or another.  I’m just struggling right now.  I am also realizing that these struggles are maybe just beginning.  I’m afraid (not terrified but worried?) That eating is just the beginning of our struggles and that more is coming down the line.  There is just something different about illyana.  Don’t get me wrong, she is perfect, just different and that’s okay.  We just need to keep doing our thing and dealing with whatever as it comes our way.

But today, I am struggling.  Illyana hasn’t eaten well since last Monday.  She is an unhappy sick today.  I would do anything to make her happy but I don’t know what to do besides wrap her in hugs and cuddles.  Maybe that’s enough but it doesn’t feel like it.