I always thought I would be a good mother but I am sure not feeling like I am. Illyana is on hunger strike. She has been for a while. The cold that started it has come and gone. Another round has hit. We have started cheering for every morsel she puts in her mouth. It's still such a small amount. She is so skinny. I'm terrified for our next pediatrician appointment next week. I dont want her back on a feeding tube. I dont want to go back to the hospital.
I was at my doctor for myself and he asked about Illyana. I said that she wasnt eating again. She has never ate breakfast. He asked what I give her - breakfast doesnt need to be cereal you know. I said that morning I had given her ice cream and she still didnt eat it. He told me to get back to the dietitian but i know she has nothing else to offer me. I saw her about a month ago. I have called to make an appointment but missed the office before the holidays. My doctor said I needed the appointment to cover my ass basically. He said he didnt want anyone to say "what did the parents do for this kid". The parents have done everything. Everything.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to watch your kid not eat day after day? How hard it is to not lose your patience when she says no to 20 different meal items at every meal? I offer everything I can find. I'm currently allowing cookies at every meal because at least they have soemthing in them. I dont know what else to do. I'm at a loss. I dont have any more to add amd she wont take anything. If she doesnt want it she throws it at me. They tell me that kids wont starve themselves but it sure feels like she is. Her energy level is still high and she still has wet diapers. So maybe she isnt but she sure isnt growing. She remains in 12-18 month clothes. She is 19 lbs. I know the pediatrician isnt going to be happy.
We are seeking an autism assessment for her. Toddler autism often shows as minimal food intake, lack of sleep, mixed development, speech delay. Illyana has always been different. She went on the speech language waitlist before she was a year and we have just started seeing the pathologist. She is still up every couple hours in the night although she is finally napping most days. Her eating skills have been deemed appropriate. Her eating problems are behavior and not medical. I'm hoping the pediatrician acknowledges all of this and will do whatever I need to seek a private assessment. We could have a private assessment within 6 months and put in more supports for her. We are on the waitlist for a sensory profile with the occupational therapist. She will be receiving extra one on one support at daycare in the next month or so. I am seeking all these things but they will not make her eat better. They will not take away the stress it causes me when she wont eat.
I know I am doing everything for her. I know that she is lucky to have us for her parents. I know she is ahead of the game because we have had all the issues we have had. We are ahead because I work in child and youth mental health and my team leader encouraged us to pursue an assessment. But my patience is thin and I feel like such a garbage mom. I want to be more for her. I want to be everything she needs. Maybe I am but I dont feel it. Mostly I just want her to eat. Nothing else about her bothers me except that she wont eat. Please eat my baby, you are mama's world.
No comments:
Post a Comment