You were my best friend
You were my enemy
You were my fiancé
You were my everything.
I cannot honestly say
That I ever expect us to be
In the place we are today
I have cried too many tears
Laughed so many smiles
Had so many good times
And too many bad
But you still make me smile
I could not ask for a better place
Than where we stand today
You still make me smile
You still make me laugh
No longer do you have the power
To make me cry
We are both in better places
And oddly enough,
We are both fully aware that
We were not right for each other
You had once said that
I needed to find myself
And knew, I needed to be on
My own to do that
Somehow, I think I knew that too
You could have done it better
It didn’t have to be the way it was
But I am happy it all happened
It made me feel stronger inside
And if I could go back in time
I would still say ‘yes’
I am glad we held on
I am happy you are my friend
I still need you in my life
And want to be a part of yours
Thank you. For everything.
But most of all
Thank you for being my friend!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Thanks Friends!
I realized last night (I am a little slow okay!) that the friends that I made in 2010 are even more amazing than I thought. The people I met in 2010 found me when I didn’t care if I lived. These amazing people befriended me anyways, knowing about all my crazy thoughts. These people really did find me at my worse. It’s so easy to believe that everyone walks out of your life when you are at your worst, and indeed, I have thought that for many years. But, you guys walked in, and you carried me for a while. You didn’t know a better me, you didn’t know what I was like. You picked me up anyways, and loved me all the same. And for that, I will love you forever. I am so thankful that as I improved in life, I was able to keep you and to know how amazing you are. No matter what happens, the friends I made in 2010, have a special place in my life. Thank you for last year. You have no idea how much it meant to me. Oh, and you’re pretty awesome in my happy times as well!
Of course, there are those of you who came back in 2010, and those of you who never left. I haven't forgotten about you either! I have always loved you, and always needed you! I always will!
Of course, there are those of you who came back in 2010, and those of you who never left. I haven't forgotten about you either! I have always loved you, and always needed you! I always will!
Friday, February 4, 2011
One week!
I am leaving in less than a week for Vancouver and my CELTA program. I don’t feel ready. My friends in Prince George are so amazing, that I don’t want to disappear right now. I know, that’s new for me isn’t it!? My best friend will not be here when I return. I don’t know what I will do without those weekly hangouts. Who will I rant to? Who will make me laugh? Who will be there for me? I know, I have many good friends who will gladly take on all those roles, but I know I will be missing that girl in my life. However, my best friend from high school has recently moved home. It’s nice to actually be able to see her as well, even though I am moving close to where she lived up until 2 weeks ago! Sadly, she might only be home until April and then they will be off in search of a job. I know that I plan to get out of this town finally as well, but it feels so sad to have to say goodbye to friends first!
I still feel like CELTA is just a dream I am dreaming. Even after close to 30 hours of pre course homework, I don’t feel like it is happening. I feel mostly prepared, but I am starting to doubt my preparedness again, so I will have to dig into those grammar books heavily again, starting today. My plans for today have been postponed until Monday, so I might as well get going! I started packing today. My suitcase feels ridiculously heavy and it is not packed fully yet. I feel like I am over packing, but I also know that Vancouver is not Africa and I do not want to not match like I do in Africa. I feel like if we are teaching every day, I should not wear t-shirts to class, so I have 6 days of nice shirts with me. These shirts also don’t show how much I sweat when nervous, as I am sure I will be! Then I have 5 or 6 t-shirts to wear after school and on weekends, or the days when I don’t have to teach. I need variety right? We all know that despite my tight budget, without variety, I will be across the street from Erin’s house at the Old Navy buying something new. I also have packed one pair of black pants, and two pairs of jeans. I don’t want to look like a small town frumpy girl with no clothes! Of course, with the time of year, I also feel like I need two jackets – a spring jacket and my winter jacket, and all the winter accessories such as a toque and scarf and of course, my mittens! I will wear my winter boots there, but I might want my runners as well. And of course, I need shoes to wear in school if I have to wear my boots to school as my feet will die in my boots… It’s all so complicated! A friend says they can drive me home providing I don’t have too much stuff. I am thinking that I might need a second suitcase (just carry on size!) for the extra jackets and everything! This bag here is not full yet, but I cannot put a spare coat in it. So right now, I am sitting beside the open mostly packed suitcase, writing this blog, and wondering what I should really be doing about all this.
Trav and I have been hanging out a decent amount these days. I must say that I like it. In many ways, he is like the friend he has always been. I am just so happy to have my friend back! I had coffee with him and his girlfriend last week. It was a really nice time. We just chatted for an hour or so. I actually really like her, and feel bad for all the angry feelings I held onto for so long. That’s what I want it to be like with Justin too. I don’t want to be at his house if his wife and I cannot be friends! But, that worry has disappeared a little, as Justin seems to be off the map for a bit.
I think I am nearing the end of life with my little boys as well. Nickolas and I will probably close down in June forever. If my life does what I want it to, I will not be here for another school year. After four years of developing our friendship and getting to know each other, we are over. I find this heartbreaking. I look back over the years, how much he has grown, and much he has improved. But at the same time, maybe he has learned enough in our time together to make the right decisions in life. I would like to think that I have made an impact in his life! I have asked BBBS if it is possible to continue to send him cards once we are finished. We will see what happens there.
I am probably also going to become a distant figure in Nathaniel’s life. Again, I want to send him cards and what not, but he will probably not remember me in the long run. Although, Dad dated Debbie when I was about Nate’s age, maybe a couple years older and I remember and love Debbie… This too kills me. Yes, I realize his father and I are no longer together. I also know that I have done what I can for Nathaniel. He is a light in my life, but not one I can keep if I go away. I will probably only see him a couple of times before I go. I am still trying to work out where I can fit him into my life before I head off to Vancouver. I had a plan, but I had only texted his mother, and she must not be getting texts these days. Travis says he doesn’t bother with the cell anymore, he just calls the house. Monday or Tuesday are the only days I have left that I can stick him in!
I am very aware that I have been blessed to have these children in my life though. They have taught me many lessons, reminded me to smile when I forgot, and to look at things the simple way. They have both helped shape me into who I am, and who I want to be. Maybe I can’t have them long enough for my likings, but I have had them for long enough to make a difference in my life!
Alright, I guess I better get on with my life here, and go study or finish packing, or something productive that is not playing on my computer!
Much love my dears!
I still feel like CELTA is just a dream I am dreaming. Even after close to 30 hours of pre course homework, I don’t feel like it is happening. I feel mostly prepared, but I am starting to doubt my preparedness again, so I will have to dig into those grammar books heavily again, starting today. My plans for today have been postponed until Monday, so I might as well get going! I started packing today. My suitcase feels ridiculously heavy and it is not packed fully yet. I feel like I am over packing, but I also know that Vancouver is not Africa and I do not want to not match like I do in Africa. I feel like if we are teaching every day, I should not wear t-shirts to class, so I have 6 days of nice shirts with me. These shirts also don’t show how much I sweat when nervous, as I am sure I will be! Then I have 5 or 6 t-shirts to wear after school and on weekends, or the days when I don’t have to teach. I need variety right? We all know that despite my tight budget, without variety, I will be across the street from Erin’s house at the Old Navy buying something new. I also have packed one pair of black pants, and two pairs of jeans. I don’t want to look like a small town frumpy girl with no clothes! Of course, with the time of year, I also feel like I need two jackets – a spring jacket and my winter jacket, and all the winter accessories such as a toque and scarf and of course, my mittens! I will wear my winter boots there, but I might want my runners as well. And of course, I need shoes to wear in school if I have to wear my boots to school as my feet will die in my boots… It’s all so complicated! A friend says they can drive me home providing I don’t have too much stuff. I am thinking that I might need a second suitcase (just carry on size!) for the extra jackets and everything! This bag here is not full yet, but I cannot put a spare coat in it. So right now, I am sitting beside the open mostly packed suitcase, writing this blog, and wondering what I should really be doing about all this.
Trav and I have been hanging out a decent amount these days. I must say that I like it. In many ways, he is like the friend he has always been. I am just so happy to have my friend back! I had coffee with him and his girlfriend last week. It was a really nice time. We just chatted for an hour or so. I actually really like her, and feel bad for all the angry feelings I held onto for so long. That’s what I want it to be like with Justin too. I don’t want to be at his house if his wife and I cannot be friends! But, that worry has disappeared a little, as Justin seems to be off the map for a bit.
I think I am nearing the end of life with my little boys as well. Nickolas and I will probably close down in June forever. If my life does what I want it to, I will not be here for another school year. After four years of developing our friendship and getting to know each other, we are over. I find this heartbreaking. I look back over the years, how much he has grown, and much he has improved. But at the same time, maybe he has learned enough in our time together to make the right decisions in life. I would like to think that I have made an impact in his life! I have asked BBBS if it is possible to continue to send him cards once we are finished. We will see what happens there.
I am probably also going to become a distant figure in Nathaniel’s life. Again, I want to send him cards and what not, but he will probably not remember me in the long run. Although, Dad dated Debbie when I was about Nate’s age, maybe a couple years older and I remember and love Debbie… This too kills me. Yes, I realize his father and I are no longer together. I also know that I have done what I can for Nathaniel. He is a light in my life, but not one I can keep if I go away. I will probably only see him a couple of times before I go. I am still trying to work out where I can fit him into my life before I head off to Vancouver. I had a plan, but I had only texted his mother, and she must not be getting texts these days. Travis says he doesn’t bother with the cell anymore, he just calls the house. Monday or Tuesday are the only days I have left that I can stick him in!
I am very aware that I have been blessed to have these children in my life though. They have taught me many lessons, reminded me to smile when I forgot, and to look at things the simple way. They have both helped shape me into who I am, and who I want to be. Maybe I can’t have them long enough for my likings, but I have had them for long enough to make a difference in my life!
Alright, I guess I better get on with my life here, and go study or finish packing, or something productive that is not playing on my computer!
Much love my dears!
Friday, January 28, 2011
uuuuuppppp-date!
I worked for 14 days, and now, I am a bum again. I finished my homework, finally! I think I am good with how it has turned out, but I will probably go over it all again in the near future. My shiny new laptop has arrived, and I was able to do all the set up on my own. Alan did have to help me try to figure out how to get connected to a home network, but it works now. He also told me how to get the password for our wireless which we assumed dead for years now. That is very exciting for us, as now we can do basic research and watch TV at the same time! I am finally working on my thank you cards, but I am not really into it at all. I write one and take a long break before forcing myself to start another. I have pulled out the pictures the children did for the notes and I am trying to sort through them. I have close to 60 pictures I think, and only about 10 cards to send, so I guess I will have to not give them all out.
Since becoming unemployed again, I have found my social life! It’s okay to stay up a little later when I can sleep in a little in the morning! I have decided that my normal sleep pattern involves over sleeping, and that is why I am so tired. I actually do not wake up in time for the right amount of sleep! Of the three days I have been a bum, I have let myself sleep for 2 of them. I wake up feeling groggy and cranky, and feel like I need a nap early in the afternoon. Today, I got up at 8, and do not feel the need for a nap and feel a little more energetic than I have felt the other days. I am trying to get only 8 hours of sleep, because I know that in 2 weeks, I will be getting less than that and needing to function! The problem with not sleeping my morning away is that I am bored during the day!
I have seen my friends every day this week, and it has felt so nice! There has been negatives that happened, but I still am glad we found the time and everything to hang out. My Kimmer is home again, and I can’t wait to hang out with her! She has been home for a week, and we have only texted! We have a tentative Sunday date all set up! Tomorrow, Mom and I are going to the mountain, and then Sam and Fran are coming over to do a bit of a makeover. It’s Fran’s 20th birthday on Wednesday, and they are skanking it up. I told them I couldn’t skank it up with them (darn bras!), so we are going to go through my wardrobe and see what we can do. Then, on Wednesday, I have to be at their house early so that we can finish my makeover, complete with makeup and a hair do! Fran says she can do amazing things to my hair, so I am trusting her!
My little brother is putting on a dinner theatre next week with his class. I am busy the night of the performance, but I am able to attend the dress rehearsal. I am pretty excited. I saw a bit of it yesterday, and it looked fabulous! The Grade 5 class has done everything for this play, including writing it. Nick looks so happy in it! He really seems to be blooming this year! <3
I am scheduled for a CT Scan for Tuesday afternoon. My doctor says that the results can take up to two weeks to get to the doctor’s office, but I have an appointment booked for Feb 7th to see the results and see what the next step is. I have been trying to walk more, but after about an hour, my ankle feels really tired and weak. Mom thinks it might need surgery to remove a bone chip. But, we will just have to wait and see! Snowboarding in a foot of heavy powder is definitely hard on it!
My course starts in two weeks. Soon it will be time to repack my suitcase and hit the road. We are stopping in Kelowna for a couple hours to see if we can buy me a fitting bra, and then off to Vancouver. I am about in the same place as I always have been: excited and scared shitless all at the same time! The pre-course package, although it stressed me out, has also unstressed me a little. I know sounds strange right! Well, each unit stressed me out in a new way as it was all new to me, and I didn’t know what was going on. Now that I have finished it, I realized how much I have learned in the last 2 weeks of working through it, and how much more I have to go. And because I accomplished the book, I know I can accomplish the course! Go me! It is still so strange to me that I have a dream about to come true! Then I can make other dreams come true, and live my life the way I want to!
I had a call from my best friend from college the other night. It has been replaying through my head since. He said he missed me, he needed me, and that I needed to come visit (since I am not going to be in PG when he wanted to come here). I have talked to people about this, because, I don’t want to be like one of the girls who wrecked my life, even if they didn’t plan to do it. Obviously, I need his wife to be okay with me coming to visit. I had no idea how to go about any of this. But, I texted Justin again today, to make sure he was serious, and plan to explain to him how I feel about his wife needing to know. All I can think about is how Travis essentially asked for my permission to cheat on me when he asked if one of his girl friends (not girlfriend please!) could stay at his house. I can remember all of my feelings and reactions. My first answer was not a chance in hell! Then I decided that wasn’t fair of me, I need to trust him. Then I realized that it didn’t matter what I said, it would happen anyways. I do not want his wife to go through this. I have no plans of stealing her husband away, and I have no reason to believe that it is his plan either. He tells me that his wife and I are the best things that have ever happened to her. And of course, if I had not had the experiences I have had, I might not feel so strongly about needing her permission to come and visit. It has taken me a long time to get to this decision, but here I am. I want to go visit them; I want to meet his wife and his baby. I want us to be friends. I do not want to cause problems however. I think this requires me to talk to his wife, and make sure that she is okay with it. I cannot be a home-wrecker! But, I feel confident about the course of action I have chosen.
So with a week of fun ahead of me, I am ready for whatever comes my way.
Since becoming unemployed again, I have found my social life! It’s okay to stay up a little later when I can sleep in a little in the morning! I have decided that my normal sleep pattern involves over sleeping, and that is why I am so tired. I actually do not wake up in time for the right amount of sleep! Of the three days I have been a bum, I have let myself sleep for 2 of them. I wake up feeling groggy and cranky, and feel like I need a nap early in the afternoon. Today, I got up at 8, and do not feel the need for a nap and feel a little more energetic than I have felt the other days. I am trying to get only 8 hours of sleep, because I know that in 2 weeks, I will be getting less than that and needing to function! The problem with not sleeping my morning away is that I am bored during the day!
I have seen my friends every day this week, and it has felt so nice! There has been negatives that happened, but I still am glad we found the time and everything to hang out. My Kimmer is home again, and I can’t wait to hang out with her! She has been home for a week, and we have only texted! We have a tentative Sunday date all set up! Tomorrow, Mom and I are going to the mountain, and then Sam and Fran are coming over to do a bit of a makeover. It’s Fran’s 20th birthday on Wednesday, and they are skanking it up. I told them I couldn’t skank it up with them (darn bras!), so we are going to go through my wardrobe and see what we can do. Then, on Wednesday, I have to be at their house early so that we can finish my makeover, complete with makeup and a hair do! Fran says she can do amazing things to my hair, so I am trusting her!
My little brother is putting on a dinner theatre next week with his class. I am busy the night of the performance, but I am able to attend the dress rehearsal. I am pretty excited. I saw a bit of it yesterday, and it looked fabulous! The Grade 5 class has done everything for this play, including writing it. Nick looks so happy in it! He really seems to be blooming this year! <3
I am scheduled for a CT Scan for Tuesday afternoon. My doctor says that the results can take up to two weeks to get to the doctor’s office, but I have an appointment booked for Feb 7th to see the results and see what the next step is. I have been trying to walk more, but after about an hour, my ankle feels really tired and weak. Mom thinks it might need surgery to remove a bone chip. But, we will just have to wait and see! Snowboarding in a foot of heavy powder is definitely hard on it!
My course starts in two weeks. Soon it will be time to repack my suitcase and hit the road. We are stopping in Kelowna for a couple hours to see if we can buy me a fitting bra, and then off to Vancouver. I am about in the same place as I always have been: excited and scared shitless all at the same time! The pre-course package, although it stressed me out, has also unstressed me a little. I know sounds strange right! Well, each unit stressed me out in a new way as it was all new to me, and I didn’t know what was going on. Now that I have finished it, I realized how much I have learned in the last 2 weeks of working through it, and how much more I have to go. And because I accomplished the book, I know I can accomplish the course! Go me! It is still so strange to me that I have a dream about to come true! Then I can make other dreams come true, and live my life the way I want to!
I had a call from my best friend from college the other night. It has been replaying through my head since. He said he missed me, he needed me, and that I needed to come visit (since I am not going to be in PG when he wanted to come here). I have talked to people about this, because, I don’t want to be like one of the girls who wrecked my life, even if they didn’t plan to do it. Obviously, I need his wife to be okay with me coming to visit. I had no idea how to go about any of this. But, I texted Justin again today, to make sure he was serious, and plan to explain to him how I feel about his wife needing to know. All I can think about is how Travis essentially asked for my permission to cheat on me when he asked if one of his girl friends (not girlfriend please!) could stay at his house. I can remember all of my feelings and reactions. My first answer was not a chance in hell! Then I decided that wasn’t fair of me, I need to trust him. Then I realized that it didn’t matter what I said, it would happen anyways. I do not want his wife to go through this. I have no plans of stealing her husband away, and I have no reason to believe that it is his plan either. He tells me that his wife and I are the best things that have ever happened to her. And of course, if I had not had the experiences I have had, I might not feel so strongly about needing her permission to come and visit. It has taken me a long time to get to this decision, but here I am. I want to go visit them; I want to meet his wife and his baby. I want us to be friends. I do not want to cause problems however. I think this requires me to talk to his wife, and make sure that she is okay with it. I cannot be a home-wrecker! But, I feel confident about the course of action I have chosen.
So with a week of fun ahead of me, I am ready for whatever comes my way.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Living the Good Life
I went to the doctor, and we read my x-ray results together. Turns out, no one knows what’s going on in my leg at all! The x-rays were inconclusive; stating that there may or may not be a bone mass in an odd place in my ankle, right where the leg connects to the foot at the front. So, I get to wait for the hospital to call me, and make an appointment for a CT scan. Being an elective procedure for my broken body, it might take years around here! I will probably have to wait until after I get home from school. So yep, it still hurts, and is still baffling doctors!
My blood work came back good. I do not have syphilis, or HIV. I do however, test positive for HEP A, which they say may or may not be from my vaccinations – which were finished a year ago. I think I would like a re-test on that! Maybe when I get my iron retested in March I will ask her to do that again! I also need to get my TB test in March, to make sure Cynthia didn’t give it to me! She was being treated for it my entire stay. Good times hey!? On a good note, my doctor says that I look healthy.
And now that I have given you the practical update, I will give you the sentimental update!
I feel as though I am the happiest I have ever been. I lay down every evening thankful for the day I had, the people in my life, and those that have helped me get where I am. Everyone from my past has changed me, and I love who I am! I am finally right where I am supposed to be!
I am half way through the pre-course package for school. There are 10 units, which approximately 3 tasks per unit. Each task takes me about an average of 45 minutes, although some are much easier than others. I have spent hours on a couple of the assignments, and 5 minutes on others. The five minute ones bother me the most, because I am convinced that because it seems too easy, I must be wrong. However, the ones I spend hours on also feel like maybe I didn’t understand the assignment properly. I know that I could do with some clarification on some of them. When I am supposed to say how I would teach something to my ESL class, I think it would be useful to know what level of learners I have. I would obviously do things entirely differently if I had first time learners versus advanced learners. At any rate, I think I am getting my confident about it! I wonder if I could get away with working on it at work, as I am getting away with writing this blog! There hasn’t actually been much for me to do in days!
For the first time since puberty, I am not “in love” with anyone. This feels surprisingly good! I am not trying to please anyone but myself. I am not thinking about anyone’s opinion on what I do with my life. I am not worried about what will happen with someone if I do something. As selfish as it is, I like only having to look after me. I know, I still care about everyone in my life’s opinion; it’s just that, when I have a boyfriend, I strive to do what they want, regardless of anything else. And to not be “in love” is liberating! I feel free!
I went out for coffee with Trav last week; it was an incredible evening. We laughed like we always used to, but this time, there was no weird tension between us. It was almost like he was my best gay friend! No, I am not calling Travis gay, just that a relationship like showed up for coffee is rare for me to find. No tension, no right or wrong thing to say, just good friends of the opposite sex! I think Justin might be the closest I ever got to that before! We talked about ourselves, we talked about our futures. I went home happy. But not happy like I used to go home after spending time with Travis, but happy like I found a new best friend, in an old best friend. I know we probably won’t be best friends again, but the relationship felt comfortable enough to get there if we wanted. As it was, we talked like best friends. I told him that I wanted to get to know his girlfriend of the last year as well, so that there were no weird feelings hanging around.
I am still spending a lot of time alone, but it is not bothering me anymore. I am working during the day, so that kills a lot of my time! I then try to do an hour of homework in the evenings before Mom and I sit down together to watch TV. I also try to do homework on the weekend, in between other chores and what not. The homework is so dull that I often find myself drifting off though. Maybe I really do need those naps! However, I am still determined! I spend one evening a week with my re-discovered great friend from my Chevron days. It is so great that she is back in my life! She understands me so wonderfully! And I don’t need to sleep with her too! LOL! If there is anyone else who requests my time, I try hard to find room for them too! And if it ever warms up! I can’t wait to hit the slopes again with all this amazing snow we have gotten this week! I have really enjoyed plowing around town in 4x4, feeling like I couldn’t get stuck ever!
For all you jerks out there complaining that your street hasn’t been plowed yet, grow up! We go through this every year. The city can only plow so many streets at a time, and they are getting there as fast as they can! Maybe you didn’t notice, it was a foot of snow that fell over the weekend! If your car can’t handle it, walk or take the damn bus! But don’t complain about it. Just deal with it, or get the hell outta town! (Sorry, the first 3 pages of the newspaper were full of this shit, and it annoyed me, so I wanted to rant a little!)
Anyways, if you are reading this, know that I love you with everything I am! And thanks for loving me!
My blood work came back good. I do not have syphilis, or HIV. I do however, test positive for HEP A, which they say may or may not be from my vaccinations – which were finished a year ago. I think I would like a re-test on that! Maybe when I get my iron retested in March I will ask her to do that again! I also need to get my TB test in March, to make sure Cynthia didn’t give it to me! She was being treated for it my entire stay. Good times hey!? On a good note, my doctor says that I look healthy.
And now that I have given you the practical update, I will give you the sentimental update!
I feel as though I am the happiest I have ever been. I lay down every evening thankful for the day I had, the people in my life, and those that have helped me get where I am. Everyone from my past has changed me, and I love who I am! I am finally right where I am supposed to be!
I am half way through the pre-course package for school. There are 10 units, which approximately 3 tasks per unit. Each task takes me about an average of 45 minutes, although some are much easier than others. I have spent hours on a couple of the assignments, and 5 minutes on others. The five minute ones bother me the most, because I am convinced that because it seems too easy, I must be wrong. However, the ones I spend hours on also feel like maybe I didn’t understand the assignment properly. I know that I could do with some clarification on some of them. When I am supposed to say how I would teach something to my ESL class, I think it would be useful to know what level of learners I have. I would obviously do things entirely differently if I had first time learners versus advanced learners. At any rate, I think I am getting my confident about it! I wonder if I could get away with working on it at work, as I am getting away with writing this blog! There hasn’t actually been much for me to do in days!
For the first time since puberty, I am not “in love” with anyone. This feels surprisingly good! I am not trying to please anyone but myself. I am not thinking about anyone’s opinion on what I do with my life. I am not worried about what will happen with someone if I do something. As selfish as it is, I like only having to look after me. I know, I still care about everyone in my life’s opinion; it’s just that, when I have a boyfriend, I strive to do what they want, regardless of anything else. And to not be “in love” is liberating! I feel free!
I went out for coffee with Trav last week; it was an incredible evening. We laughed like we always used to, but this time, there was no weird tension between us. It was almost like he was my best gay friend! No, I am not calling Travis gay, just that a relationship like showed up for coffee is rare for me to find. No tension, no right or wrong thing to say, just good friends of the opposite sex! I think Justin might be the closest I ever got to that before! We talked about ourselves, we talked about our futures. I went home happy. But not happy like I used to go home after spending time with Travis, but happy like I found a new best friend, in an old best friend. I know we probably won’t be best friends again, but the relationship felt comfortable enough to get there if we wanted. As it was, we talked like best friends. I told him that I wanted to get to know his girlfriend of the last year as well, so that there were no weird feelings hanging around.
I am still spending a lot of time alone, but it is not bothering me anymore. I am working during the day, so that kills a lot of my time! I then try to do an hour of homework in the evenings before Mom and I sit down together to watch TV. I also try to do homework on the weekend, in between other chores and what not. The homework is so dull that I often find myself drifting off though. Maybe I really do need those naps! However, I am still determined! I spend one evening a week with my re-discovered great friend from my Chevron days. It is so great that she is back in my life! She understands me so wonderfully! And I don’t need to sleep with her too! LOL! If there is anyone else who requests my time, I try hard to find room for them too! And if it ever warms up! I can’t wait to hit the slopes again with all this amazing snow we have gotten this week! I have really enjoyed plowing around town in 4x4, feeling like I couldn’t get stuck ever!
For all you jerks out there complaining that your street hasn’t been plowed yet, grow up! We go through this every year. The city can only plow so many streets at a time, and they are getting there as fast as they can! Maybe you didn’t notice, it was a foot of snow that fell over the weekend! If your car can’t handle it, walk or take the damn bus! But don’t complain about it. Just deal with it, or get the hell outta town! (Sorry, the first 3 pages of the newspaper were full of this shit, and it annoyed me, so I wanted to rant a little!)
Anyways, if you are reading this, know that I love you with everything I am! And thanks for loving me!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A great start to a New Year
Hello World! I have successfully returned from Ghana, although I still await the results of my X-Ray for my still hurting leg, and my blood work, which better not say that I contracted HIV or Syphilis while I was hanging out in that sewage hole on November 7th! I am sure the test results are there, however, I have not yet seen my doctor, so, I am still waiting! I do get to see my doctor next week, along with my dentist who I had to cancel on because I had strep throat upon my return to Prince George! Yay me!
I logged into my CNC email this morning to the most amazing news I have ever heard! The computer tech I had asked to try to find my deleted pictures had emailed me. He was able to recover most if not all of my pictures and videos! I picked them up this morning, and because the lady who would give me work is all scattered today and just wants me to hold down the fort, I spent the morning looking at them, and uploading them to Facebook. I was alone in the office for a while, and I was laughing out loud at the antics of the World Vision staff, my dancing, and the patience of those trying to dance with me! Sadly, Facebook does not seem to like my 8 minute video of me dancing, which, of course, if the best video. I thought I was excited when I got the email from Kevin, but then I picked up the CD he made, and then I put it in the computer, and my excitement level just kept growing! I even announced my love for him (that we are not going to tell his wife about!) Sometimes I had technology with a passion – like when you can reformat a half used memory card! – but when you can recover things that were deemed doomed, it is an amazing thing!
I am busy studying for my return to school, trying to figure out this grammar stuff. I am not sure the books I purchased are helping me at all, but I am diligently reading them, during my lunch breaks and after work. I started the pre-course package, and got scared away for a while, but hope to jump back on board tonight. I have to figure this out sometime! May as well make it sooner! I look at the information they are asking from me, and a blank stare fixes itself to my face. My eyes glaze over and my mind, like a record, says WTF! Honestly, this course scares the crap out of me, and most days, I am unsure why I am doing it. Of course, I look at pictures of Ghana and remember it all. I am doing this because this is the way my dream will come true. I will do fine! Remember, I don’t fail (except when it comes to relationships! Haha!) At any rate, I am determined to do this, and determined to make it work, somehow, someway! I guess I just have to start thinking like a teacher… I am regretting not taking my 2 year Bachelor of Education right now, only because I think it would have calmed my nerves a little!
I was looking at the job board today at Dave’s ESL Café online, and some of them got me pretty excited. I have decided I want to go to Japan, but that is not necessarily where I will end up. As I read some of the offers today, I enjoyed that not all required teaching experience, and that people seemed okay with teaching for them. Of course, some want a PhD which, obviously, I am not planning on getting in the foreseeable future. Most places in Asia offer accommodation (or an accommodation stipidend), often with other teachers. I see this as a very valuable idea a lot like the volunteer house I so adore in Bawjiase!
However, I think I might have a predicament! I was at the College yesterday and heard a rumour that there might be work coming up for me. This work would last 10 months, and would start approximately when I come home from school. Of course, this is great! My bank account will be very excited! At the same time, that means I cannot travel in 2011, which seems awfully sad for me! Vlad will probably tell me I don’t love the babies properly because I cannot see them! He is funny like that. The problem lies in that my mom suggested that maybe I could get a position in ESL for the summer (of course, this is not for certain, and is less certain than the 10 months which was rumoured yesterday. Teaching for the summer is just talk between Mom and I!) So, anyways, teaching for the summer would be a far more valuable experience than the 10 month position. It would be something that I am looking to do, in a somewhat comfortable environment. I get to go home every night, and don’t have to make new friends if I can start my teaching career off at home. But, it would only be at most 3 months (with a remote possibility of a September position), whereas, the other position would be 7 months longer. My bank account could use that extra 7 months! When I first decided I was going to do this course in February (well, January actually), I wanted to be overseas by September. Having looked at the job board, I see that is not as possible as I thought. The September job postings seem to be out already, so mid-March is probably too late. So either way, I am probably here for September. I am probably looking at a January 2012 start date. However, 10 months from March does fall into January as well… Sadly, the job thing will probably come down to me taking the rumoured 10 month job, unless I hear strong rumours about their being teaching positions available for someone like me, before I have to take the other position! Oh the joys of not having a steady job!
So far, 2011 is much better than 2010 started out, so this is a good thing! I am decently happy and my life seems to be going in the right directions! I miss my babies, of course, but I am working towards a life where I might be able to have children like that in my life on a permanent basis! I still miss having a black child at my side, and I miss speaking in semi-Twi to them. This is something I will learn to get over though; that is, until I can have one!
I hope you, my beautiful friends, are doing equally fine if not better in the start of your 2011!!
Much love to you all!
I logged into my CNC email this morning to the most amazing news I have ever heard! The computer tech I had asked to try to find my deleted pictures had emailed me. He was able to recover most if not all of my pictures and videos! I picked them up this morning, and because the lady who would give me work is all scattered today and just wants me to hold down the fort, I spent the morning looking at them, and uploading them to Facebook. I was alone in the office for a while, and I was laughing out loud at the antics of the World Vision staff, my dancing, and the patience of those trying to dance with me! Sadly, Facebook does not seem to like my 8 minute video of me dancing, which, of course, if the best video. I thought I was excited when I got the email from Kevin, but then I picked up the CD he made, and then I put it in the computer, and my excitement level just kept growing! I even announced my love for him (that we are not going to tell his wife about!) Sometimes I had technology with a passion – like when you can reformat a half used memory card! – but when you can recover things that were deemed doomed, it is an amazing thing!
I am busy studying for my return to school, trying to figure out this grammar stuff. I am not sure the books I purchased are helping me at all, but I am diligently reading them, during my lunch breaks and after work. I started the pre-course package, and got scared away for a while, but hope to jump back on board tonight. I have to figure this out sometime! May as well make it sooner! I look at the information they are asking from me, and a blank stare fixes itself to my face. My eyes glaze over and my mind, like a record, says WTF! Honestly, this course scares the crap out of me, and most days, I am unsure why I am doing it. Of course, I look at pictures of Ghana and remember it all. I am doing this because this is the way my dream will come true. I will do fine! Remember, I don’t fail (except when it comes to relationships! Haha!) At any rate, I am determined to do this, and determined to make it work, somehow, someway! I guess I just have to start thinking like a teacher… I am regretting not taking my 2 year Bachelor of Education right now, only because I think it would have calmed my nerves a little!
I was looking at the job board today at Dave’s ESL Café online, and some of them got me pretty excited. I have decided I want to go to Japan, but that is not necessarily where I will end up. As I read some of the offers today, I enjoyed that not all required teaching experience, and that people seemed okay with teaching for them. Of course, some want a PhD which, obviously, I am not planning on getting in the foreseeable future. Most places in Asia offer accommodation (or an accommodation stipidend), often with other teachers. I see this as a very valuable idea a lot like the volunteer house I so adore in Bawjiase!
However, I think I might have a predicament! I was at the College yesterday and heard a rumour that there might be work coming up for me. This work would last 10 months, and would start approximately when I come home from school. Of course, this is great! My bank account will be very excited! At the same time, that means I cannot travel in 2011, which seems awfully sad for me! Vlad will probably tell me I don’t love the babies properly because I cannot see them! He is funny like that. The problem lies in that my mom suggested that maybe I could get a position in ESL for the summer (of course, this is not for certain, and is less certain than the 10 months which was rumoured yesterday. Teaching for the summer is just talk between Mom and I!) So, anyways, teaching for the summer would be a far more valuable experience than the 10 month position. It would be something that I am looking to do, in a somewhat comfortable environment. I get to go home every night, and don’t have to make new friends if I can start my teaching career off at home. But, it would only be at most 3 months (with a remote possibility of a September position), whereas, the other position would be 7 months longer. My bank account could use that extra 7 months! When I first decided I was going to do this course in February (well, January actually), I wanted to be overseas by September. Having looked at the job board, I see that is not as possible as I thought. The September job postings seem to be out already, so mid-March is probably too late. So either way, I am probably here for September. I am probably looking at a January 2012 start date. However, 10 months from March does fall into January as well… Sadly, the job thing will probably come down to me taking the rumoured 10 month job, unless I hear strong rumours about their being teaching positions available for someone like me, before I have to take the other position! Oh the joys of not having a steady job!
So far, 2011 is much better than 2010 started out, so this is a good thing! I am decently happy and my life seems to be going in the right directions! I miss my babies, of course, but I am working towards a life where I might be able to have children like that in my life on a permanent basis! I still miss having a black child at my side, and I miss speaking in semi-Twi to them. This is something I will learn to get over though; that is, until I can have one!
I hope you, my beautiful friends, are doing equally fine if not better in the start of your 2011!!
Much love to you all!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Emotions
Pain. Justification. Forgiveness. Opportunity to hurt again and again.
This does not sound like a healthy sequence of events. It is the cycle I use again and again. And again and again, I hurt, often by the same people, doing the same thing. Why do I justify your actions, your thoughts? My counselor and I decided it was a strategy to ease the pain, but when I pointed out that the same thing could happen again and again, and I would justify it away, we decided that there must be more to my strategy than to soften the blows. However, I think it is a fault, which I need to work on and make it go away. It might be a short term solution but it causes more problems down the road. I asked, knowing that she couldn't answer me. I asked, “how does one stop habits and responses which are so imbedded we don't even realize they are there?” She said that I was, of course, right. She couldn't answer that. Each person needs to work through that on their own. The first step is knowing that they are there.
I have two thoughts here. The first being that I do not like to show emotion. Perhaps you laughed at that – I do share a lot, but I don't often share the emotions within. I don't think I know how to show happy emotions – I guess they are basic, everyday emotions for normal people. Obviously I do smile, and laugh. The thing is, I do that when tears are in my eyes as well. Heaven forbid if someone would see those tears and care! I am so used to “no one caring” that I am not sure how it would be if someone said their did care. I learned when I was in my early teens how to hide the true feelings, and they have never surfaced again. When talking to my counselor about emotions, I told her that I didn't like to express negative emotions because I thought they were socially unacceptable. Besides, who wants to hear about my woe is me story? So, I don't know how to express happiness without it seeming like a mask. I don't know how to express negative emotions because I am afraid that no one wants to hear, or that I will be looked down on. I hope you can see the problems for emotional expression within these thoughts.
My second problem is that I “care too much about others.” Although this trait has the possibility of doing amazing things, it also does some very detrimental things to me as well. Your problems are my problems. I hate the emotion anger – I don't like to express it, I don't like to see it. When anger is shown, I shrink. I apologize. I find ways to help. And, I very quickly seek forgiveness. When the anger is my own, I talk myself out of it. I never say a word to you. And then, I justify your actions which made me so angry. I do not justify my own thoughts. I make the emotion dissipate before I will talk to you again, but, no matter how much if hurts, I let my own emotions go with no value or second thoughts. When you are angry at me, I feel like a failure. Sometimes, I feel this way when you are just mad in general. I go out of my way to make it better, but I never tell you how I feel about it. You never know how much I hated myself because you were not perfect. It doesn't matter what you do or say. I will justify your behavior, and I will feel down myself as a result.
Did you know that every time you say “oh I can't make it today” I think it is because I have done something to annoy you, or that I think that you do not wish to see me at all? And since that is a painful thought, I find all the “real” reasons that you can't come, or all the reasons you would say such a painful thing, whatever it was. I don't think I am special. I don't think I would want to hang out with me, if I was someone else. Although I thank God everyday for having special people in my life, I do not feel like I deserve them. I already know the reasons why you wouldn't want to be my friend, so it's easy to justify when you walk away.
Now that you have read into me a little, do you still want to be my friend?
I know my 'condition' fairly well. I have techniques I can fight it down with. I am working on changing my thoughts to positive thoughts instead of the negative that are the first to jump to life. I try to suppress the negative thoughts, but I realize I do it through justification. Does that help us here? I know that the negative thoughts are merely a pattern, and I know it can be changed. However, I obviously chose the wrong strategy. Perhaps I only choose a strategy which was already familiar to me. I can see it is not working. So it's time for a new strategy. An obvious one from this post, is to express emotion. With this, I am terrified that I will become some public emotional rollarcoaster, on display for the world to see. I am terrified that you will see me for how I really am, and that you won't like me anymore. And after at least 12 years of hiding the emotion ravaging my body, I am just afraid to express it. I honestly don't feel I know how to.
Maybe, I should just start slowly. Maybe if I express the feelings in my blog, then if they involve someone, hopefully they will not be too hurt, and we can talk it through. I do well with writing skills (even if I have no grammar!!). Writing is a safe place for me. But, I still do not want to offend anybody but speaking my emotions. That is yet another fear for me. I don't want people to hurt the way I hurt inside. But, if I write of general situations and my emotions, that would also be a big start. Why are emotions such taboo in this society?
The justification needs to stop, or at least be lessened. I can see several examples in the last nine months since I came home from Ghana. Sometimes, when I do express emotion, I have other people throw their justifications right back at me, and again, I blame myself. Don't worry, I know I am too sensitive as well! I am full of faults. Most of them I am very aware of!
On a slightly different side of this problem, I learned a lot of techniques in my recent Train The Tutor program that I think I can apply to my life. The techniques were for teaching an adult learner to read and write, or other literacy skills, but some of them, I think you can apply to anything. As a tutor of adult learners, you have to remember that people come with baggage as adults, and that whatever issues they have in life, affect their learning. We did activities from their point of view where we had to learn to read something that looked like gobbley goop! My mental health is an adult learner, coming to learn new ideas and ways to learn. I am the tutor. I need to work with the existing problems while prodding in the right direction. I know that isn't sounding amazing, but yesterday in my mind, it was crystal clear. I could see the ways that the techniques applied to every aspect of life. I think the biggest thing was that we are both learner and tutor at various times.
I know this, like my depression and abandonment issues, is something I have to work on alone, but I think you should be aware of what is coming. Maybe not while I am in Ghana; you never know what Ghana will do to you! But, if last time was anything to note, it will turn my happy emotions back into my head with vigor! However, I know that nothing inside my mental health actually changes in Ghana – I just feel happier and have a place to show it. I do not make any of the changes that are needed inside my thought patterns, and this is what needs to happen. But boy do I love the emotional vacation I find in Ghana, with my heart full of love for 30 of the world's best children! I have one more counseling session before I leave the country. Every time, we dig way inside of me, and I come out aware, and hurting. I know it is a good hurt, the kind that opens doors to a healthier future, but it also seems to make me aware of how much I have failed myself.
I love you. Thank you.
This does not sound like a healthy sequence of events. It is the cycle I use again and again. And again and again, I hurt, often by the same people, doing the same thing. Why do I justify your actions, your thoughts? My counselor and I decided it was a strategy to ease the pain, but when I pointed out that the same thing could happen again and again, and I would justify it away, we decided that there must be more to my strategy than to soften the blows. However, I think it is a fault, which I need to work on and make it go away. It might be a short term solution but it causes more problems down the road. I asked, knowing that she couldn't answer me. I asked, “how does one stop habits and responses which are so imbedded we don't even realize they are there?” She said that I was, of course, right. She couldn't answer that. Each person needs to work through that on their own. The first step is knowing that they are there.
I have two thoughts here. The first being that I do not like to show emotion. Perhaps you laughed at that – I do share a lot, but I don't often share the emotions within. I don't think I know how to show happy emotions – I guess they are basic, everyday emotions for normal people. Obviously I do smile, and laugh. The thing is, I do that when tears are in my eyes as well. Heaven forbid if someone would see those tears and care! I am so used to “no one caring” that I am not sure how it would be if someone said their did care. I learned when I was in my early teens how to hide the true feelings, and they have never surfaced again. When talking to my counselor about emotions, I told her that I didn't like to express negative emotions because I thought they were socially unacceptable. Besides, who wants to hear about my woe is me story? So, I don't know how to express happiness without it seeming like a mask. I don't know how to express negative emotions because I am afraid that no one wants to hear, or that I will be looked down on. I hope you can see the problems for emotional expression within these thoughts.
My second problem is that I “care too much about others.” Although this trait has the possibility of doing amazing things, it also does some very detrimental things to me as well. Your problems are my problems. I hate the emotion anger – I don't like to express it, I don't like to see it. When anger is shown, I shrink. I apologize. I find ways to help. And, I very quickly seek forgiveness. When the anger is my own, I talk myself out of it. I never say a word to you. And then, I justify your actions which made me so angry. I do not justify my own thoughts. I make the emotion dissipate before I will talk to you again, but, no matter how much if hurts, I let my own emotions go with no value or second thoughts. When you are angry at me, I feel like a failure. Sometimes, I feel this way when you are just mad in general. I go out of my way to make it better, but I never tell you how I feel about it. You never know how much I hated myself because you were not perfect. It doesn't matter what you do or say. I will justify your behavior, and I will feel down myself as a result.
Did you know that every time you say “oh I can't make it today” I think it is because I have done something to annoy you, or that I think that you do not wish to see me at all? And since that is a painful thought, I find all the “real” reasons that you can't come, or all the reasons you would say such a painful thing, whatever it was. I don't think I am special. I don't think I would want to hang out with me, if I was someone else. Although I thank God everyday for having special people in my life, I do not feel like I deserve them. I already know the reasons why you wouldn't want to be my friend, so it's easy to justify when you walk away.
Now that you have read into me a little, do you still want to be my friend?
I know my 'condition' fairly well. I have techniques I can fight it down with. I am working on changing my thoughts to positive thoughts instead of the negative that are the first to jump to life. I try to suppress the negative thoughts, but I realize I do it through justification. Does that help us here? I know that the negative thoughts are merely a pattern, and I know it can be changed. However, I obviously chose the wrong strategy. Perhaps I only choose a strategy which was already familiar to me. I can see it is not working. So it's time for a new strategy. An obvious one from this post, is to express emotion. With this, I am terrified that I will become some public emotional rollarcoaster, on display for the world to see. I am terrified that you will see me for how I really am, and that you won't like me anymore. And after at least 12 years of hiding the emotion ravaging my body, I am just afraid to express it. I honestly don't feel I know how to.
Maybe, I should just start slowly. Maybe if I express the feelings in my blog, then if they involve someone, hopefully they will not be too hurt, and we can talk it through. I do well with writing skills (even if I have no grammar!!). Writing is a safe place for me. But, I still do not want to offend anybody but speaking my emotions. That is yet another fear for me. I don't want people to hurt the way I hurt inside. But, if I write of general situations and my emotions, that would also be a big start. Why are emotions such taboo in this society?
The justification needs to stop, or at least be lessened. I can see several examples in the last nine months since I came home from Ghana. Sometimes, when I do express emotion, I have other people throw their justifications right back at me, and again, I blame myself. Don't worry, I know I am too sensitive as well! I am full of faults. Most of them I am very aware of!
On a slightly different side of this problem, I learned a lot of techniques in my recent Train The Tutor program that I think I can apply to my life. The techniques were for teaching an adult learner to read and write, or other literacy skills, but some of them, I think you can apply to anything. As a tutor of adult learners, you have to remember that people come with baggage as adults, and that whatever issues they have in life, affect their learning. We did activities from their point of view where we had to learn to read something that looked like gobbley goop! My mental health is an adult learner, coming to learn new ideas and ways to learn. I am the tutor. I need to work with the existing problems while prodding in the right direction. I know that isn't sounding amazing, but yesterday in my mind, it was crystal clear. I could see the ways that the techniques applied to every aspect of life. I think the biggest thing was that we are both learner and tutor at various times.
I know this, like my depression and abandonment issues, is something I have to work on alone, but I think you should be aware of what is coming. Maybe not while I am in Ghana; you never know what Ghana will do to you! But, if last time was anything to note, it will turn my happy emotions back into my head with vigor! However, I know that nothing inside my mental health actually changes in Ghana – I just feel happier and have a place to show it. I do not make any of the changes that are needed inside my thought patterns, and this is what needs to happen. But boy do I love the emotional vacation I find in Ghana, with my heart full of love for 30 of the world's best children! I have one more counseling session before I leave the country. Every time, we dig way inside of me, and I come out aware, and hurting. I know it is a good hurt, the kind that opens doors to a healthier future, but it also seems to make me aware of how much I have failed myself.
I love you. Thank you.
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