One week!

I am leaving in less than a week for Vancouver and my CELTA program. I don’t feel ready. My friends in Prince George are so amazing, that I don’t want to disappear right now. I know, that’s new for me isn’t it!? My best friend will not be here when I return. I don’t know what I will do without those weekly hangouts. Who will I rant to? Who will make me laugh? Who will be there for me? I know, I have many good friends who will gladly take on all those roles, but I know I will be missing that girl in my life. However, my best friend from high school has recently moved home. It’s nice to actually be able to see her as well, even though I am moving close to where she lived up until 2 weeks ago! Sadly, she might only be home until April and then they will be off in search of a job. I know that I plan to get out of this town finally as well, but it feels so sad to have to say goodbye to friends first!

I still feel like CELTA is just a dream I am dreaming. Even after close to 30 hours of pre course homework, I don’t feel like it is happening. I feel mostly prepared, but I am starting to doubt my preparedness again, so I will have to dig into those grammar books heavily again, starting today. My plans for today have been postponed until Monday, so I might as well get going! I started packing today. My suitcase feels ridiculously heavy and it is not packed fully yet. I feel like I am over packing, but I also know that Vancouver is not Africa and I do not want to not match like I do in Africa. I feel like if we are teaching every day, I should not wear t-shirts to class, so I have 6 days of nice shirts with me. These shirts also don’t show how much I sweat when nervous, as I am sure I will be! Then I have 5 or 6 t-shirts to wear after school and on weekends, or the days when I don’t have to teach. I need variety right? We all know that despite my tight budget, without variety, I will be across the street from Erin’s house at the Old Navy buying something new. I also have packed one pair of black pants, and two pairs of jeans. I don’t want to look like a small town frumpy girl with no clothes! Of course, with the time of year, I also feel like I need two jackets – a spring jacket and my winter jacket, and all the winter accessories such as a toque and scarf and of course, my mittens! I will wear my winter boots there, but I might want my runners as well. And of course, I need shoes to wear in school if I have to wear my boots to school as my feet will die in my boots… It’s all so complicated! A friend says they can drive me home providing I don’t have too much stuff. I am thinking that I might need a second suitcase (just carry on size!) for the extra jackets and everything! This bag here is not full yet, but I cannot put a spare coat in it. So right now, I am sitting beside the open mostly packed suitcase, writing this blog, and wondering what I should really be doing about all this.

Trav and I have been hanging out a decent amount these days. I must say that I like it. In many ways, he is like the friend he has always been. I am just so happy to have my friend back! I had coffee with him and his girlfriend last week. It was a really nice time. We just chatted for an hour or so. I actually really like her, and feel bad for all the angry feelings I held onto for so long. That’s what I want it to be like with Justin too. I don’t want to be at his house if his wife and I cannot be friends! But, that worry has disappeared a little, as Justin seems to be off the map for a bit.

I think I am nearing the end of life with my little boys as well. Nickolas and I will probably close down in June forever. If my life does what I want it to, I will not be here for another school year. After four years of developing our friendship and getting to know each other, we are over. I find this heartbreaking. I look back over the years, how much he has grown, and much he has improved. But at the same time, maybe he has learned enough in our time together to make the right decisions in life. I would like to think that I have made an impact in his life! I have asked BBBS if it is possible to continue to send him cards once we are finished. We will see what happens there.
I am probably also going to become a distant figure in Nathaniel’s life. Again, I want to send him cards and what not, but he will probably not remember me in the long run. Although, Dad dated Debbie when I was about Nate’s age, maybe a couple years older and I remember and love Debbie… This too kills me. Yes, I realize his father and I are no longer together. I also know that I have done what I can for Nathaniel. He is a light in my life, but not one I can keep if I go away. I will probably only see him a couple of times before I go. I am still trying to work out where I can fit him into my life before I head off to Vancouver. I had a plan, but I had only texted his mother, and she must not be getting texts these days. Travis says he doesn’t bother with the cell anymore, he just calls the house. Monday or Tuesday are the only days I have left that I can stick him in!

I am very aware that I have been blessed to have these children in my life though. They have taught me many lessons, reminded me to smile when I forgot, and to look at things the simple way. They have both helped shape me into who I am, and who I want to be. Maybe I can’t have them long enough for my likings, but I have had them for long enough to make a difference in my life!

Alright, I guess I better get on with my life here, and go study or finish packing, or something productive that is not playing on my computer!

Much love my dears!