Lesson or Test?

I love you.
I miss you more every day
I don’t understand
Why someone so perfect for me
Is gone from my life

I ask God
Because I know He has a reason
But I don’t know what it is
I don’t know if He is testing me
Or if it’s a lesson I need to learn

Either way, without you
I can’t think straight
I cannot be calm enough
Without you,
My life is Chaos.

How can that be God’s plan?

I try every day
To forget my love for you
But how do you forget
A calmed and peaceful soul?

I ask God, knowing that He
Should be the one to bring me
The feelings you bring me

I know by the silence
It’s up to me to figure out
I don’t know how to do it
When I miss you more
Every day.

Crawling Out

in a coffin, afraid to live
comfortable in my darkness
not willing to see the light
familiar is cozy
unknown is frightening
I take the known
the dark and cold
alone


When the above scene was described to me, as a way that I can be seen, I had to smile. It’s true. How many times, when I first started to change my life, did I say that I was afraid to change for fear I might not like the girl on the other side. I was afraid that I wouldn’t know how to live without the depression holding me hostage.

Three years later, and I am still afraid. I am not afraid to know happiness, for I have known it for a while. I am not afraid to know peace, for I have seen it as well. However, I am terrified to make more changes. Darkness has penetrated again. It is familiar, and so I curl in. I tuck it around me like a blanket.

I am starting to know God. I know that in order to do this, I need to let go of the comfort of my coffin – the dark, alone time where no one and nothing can hurt me. There is a part of me that knows that there is so much more out there, for me. But, I have to leave my coffin; I have to leave my walls. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over again while expecting different results. I am not sure I expect different results, but the comfort of failing time and time again is there. No. I do expect different results. I think that if I believe enough, it will be different this time. It doesn’t work. I need to dig myself out of my hole, and try a new road. Three years ago, I started down a new road. At some point, I turned back and went back to where I started. I am no better off today than I was before. I turned my back on myself. I let others hurt me and force me backwards. I need to take control. I need to decide who and what has power over me. I say that like I am on my own, but I know I am not. I know that the struggles I have had the last six months would have forced me over an edge if I was alone. You know that poem “Footprints in the Sand”? I have lived it. I know I have. Every day, I start fresh. Every day is new, and every day has the potential to be amazing. It’s time that I start living that. I know God is with me. Now it’s my turn.

From the coffin I climb
Into the light
The happiness
The freedom
To be my own person
To be whom I am supposed to be
The road won’t always be easy
But I need to close the lid
On the coffin that has housed me
For so very long.
I am going to make an effort
To be the girl I started to be
I am going to be
The girl that God wants me to be.
I know I am mostly
On the right path
But sometimes I turn around
And go backwards instead of forwards
Sometimes my past calls to me
And the comfort makes me want to go.
It’s time to find comfort
On the other side.

Looking for the Plan

December 3, 2011

I know God has a Plan
I know there is a reason
For everything that happens,
But right now,
I don’t understand.

He is a perfect man for me
He is understanding and compassionate
He accepted me as I came
And he loved me for who I am
And now he’s gone
So he obviously wasn’t the Plan.

But how many times must I try
Before I find the Plan?
How many times must
My heart be broken
Before I can be loved?

I made a new plan
One that God agrees on
And I wanted it to be with you
Now it looks like
I am planning again.

I know God has a reason
But right now,
I don’t understand.

True Happiness

October 22, 2011

I’ve been fighting off memories of Travis and the pain that I associate with him. I don’t know why he flooded me so much, but I have figured out a couple of things.

I have had nightmares all week. Like my slasher dreams that I had for a long time, these dreams do not wake me up in a cold sweat, or make my heart pound. I accept the dream calmly. I complained to Paul that I hadn’t been sleeping well, having nightmares, when he asked why I was so tired. He asked if they were reoccurring. I said no, but then I thought about it a little. In every dream, someone was chasing me, trying to hurt me in some way. In one, a murderer was chasing me, in one the evil do-er was trying to convince me to walk on ice I could break with a finger. With the “peer pressure” of Evil asking me to step on ice I knew to be dangerous, I hesitated, but started to take a step when I woke up.

I started two courses this week. One course is called Goodbye to Shy and the other Get Assertive! Both courses are speaking to me directly, as I knew they would. I am taking pieces out of each lesson, highlighting the “me” in them and knowing where I need to work. With these two external courses talking sense into me, and the knowledge I already possess, things started to become clearer. I have long believed that when things are wrong in our lives, our body tries to tell us. The self- help book I read (and then ignored) to deal with my Travis-Dennis problem told me that you could prevent cancer by just listening to your body. Every ache and pain came from within and was your body telling you that something was wrong in your life. I had a little bit of trouble with this section, but parts of it made sense.

With Travis unknowingly torturing me from afar, the dreams started. A figure wanted me hurt. A figure wanted me to hurt myself in a way that seemed like they were to blame. That finger beckoning me onto the ice couldn’t physically hurt me, but making the decision to move would. These are my memories, and my perceived pain at the memories. Sure, Travis helped create the memories, but the memories can only be mine: they are in my head and under my control. What I choose to do with these memories is up to me. I can let “Travis” beckon me onto thin ice and help me lose control, or I can change my perspective and move on with my life. I am choosing to walk away from that hand and the thin ice it represents. I know this is not an overnight process. Today, I don’t give my hand to “Travis”; tomorrow, I can take a step back from the edge.

One of my courses asked me who benefits from me being shy or passive, and who suffers. The Devil benefits when I can’t change my ways; everyone I love suffers. I got to thinking. I wondered why I felt so happy and at peace with John, a kind of happiness I have never felt before. Although I am still ridiculously hard on myself, I have ultimately learned to love myself. I have taken huge steps in being who I want to be, and I have been open to the experiences and have allowed myself to change. I went from a dreamless bum, drifting through life, accepting that I deserved pain to a girl full of dreams all of my own. I make the things I want happen: I am in China because I decided to be an ESL teacher and went about doing it. I am still in China because I want to learn how to be better at what I do. I feel like the truly painful part of my life is ending. I love myself and that means that others can start to fully love me as well. I remember, in all my previous relationships, I was terrified that if I made a wrong move, they would leave me. I strove to be the girl the man wanted me to be, not who I wanted to be. Everything was desperate: I was desperately in love, I was desperate for his attention, and I was terrified of him leaving because he made me whole. What lies I told myself! I realized last night that everything is different with John. Although the Devil pokes his ugly head into my thoughts more than I would like, I have the power to deny him now. I started dating John as a whole person. I wasn’t looking for someone to fill a void in my life, to love me as I couldn’t love myself. I was whole and I was happy; I was living my dream. I am with John because John and I are good together. John has really seen me through some of my worst times. I have cried on him about the hurt others have caused. He loves me anyways. He knew that going in, and loves me anyways. He is able to love me completely, because I love myself. I was whole. I didn’t need John to fix anything; I didn’t want him to be anything he wasn’t. He also didn’t want me to be anything I wasn’t. We always say that when we date, but when we are not whole, we do want things to be fixed by being in the relationship. I never really understood that before. John and I aren’t desperate. Things fit into place. We are very calmly doing a year long distance because we know that talking as often as we do, we are going to be fine. Yes, sometimes I am still terrified he is going to leave me, but he never actually gives me the impression he will. That’s the Devil rearing his ugly head again.

Today I choose to believe in happiness, true happiness. The Devil isn’t leaving me alone yet, but I am making my choice. I am choosing not to look backwards. I am choosing not to walk on the think ice (what a great metaphor my dream came up with!). My life is about me, and my future. I choose to let go of the pain and move on with my life. I choose to be happy. Yes, the memories of Travis will continue. With each memory I have, I chose to forgive myself for letting the pain into my life. I chose to forgive Travis for the pain I let him bring me. I chose to forgive the past and honour the future.

A Religious Exploration

October 14, 2011

We talked religion yesterday, Christianity to be exact. Where in the past I have felt the desire to walk away from the conversation (like many of us did yesterday), I settled in for the chat. None of the teachers here would actually be able to force religion on someone, so I figured it might be worth it. We all come off as unlikely candidates for believing let alone preaching.

I believe that there is a high power in our lives, and although I call it “God” I have never been sure of the biblical aspects of Christianity. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that every person that enters your life has a purpose. When things are bad, look for the lesson you learned, or the ways in which you are growing. When people hurt you, remember how they changed you and how you are a better person for it. I believe that people have the power to change into exactly who they want to be, and that person is typically who we are meant to be, according to God. If I am happy and at peace with my life and who I am, then I believe that the higher power and myself are working together in life. When I am not at peace, I ask for help to find my way back to the happy equilibrium I need in my life. I know that these things will not just happen; I know that personal work is required. I believe that if you need a friendly presence, you just have to ask. Somehow, your pain and loneliness is lessoned and although you are still “alone” you feel a little better. Sometimes, you might not notice it, but think back about those lonely nights where you cried yourself to sleep. When you woke up, you felt renewed and able to continue. Maybe a friend calls you in the morning and you have a good day with them. There is always an answer, of some sort.

There have been times in my life where after begging for help from God, I have felt a peace flow through me. Just last night, as I cried in a TV show induced loneliness, I asked for strength to continue, to do what I am here doing. Nothing changed in my situation except that my tears dried up and positive thoughts of my life and accomplishments flowed into my mind. I have felt other things when God has helped. Christmas 2008 when Erin and I landed in the ditch on the Coke at – 30 I knew God was with us. We both felt the car try to flip, we felt it go into the air, and almost as if it never happened, the car settled into a gentle stop. Erin and I walked away without a scratch when the witness thought for sure we must be dead. That wasn’t luck; that was God. When my life was spinning out of control later that year, I begged for help to take me out of the rut I had dug for myself. The answer came very clearly to me. You all questioned my sanity when I dropped out of the job competition, for a job which only a week ago I desperately wanted. But, God had given me the answer to my problems. I needed to go to Africa. Without a lot of research, I decided on a company and a country to visit. I didn’t question it; it felt right. I landed in an orphanage which changed everything in my life, and I believe made me a better person. I learned to love unselfishly. I learned to love for those children, and those children loved me back in return. For the first time outside of my family, I was loved unconditionally. I felt true love. It came from 30 different people, but it was true, unconditional and peaceful. Now I was able to learn to love myself for the first time. One must have this kind of love in order to love them, and this love is a treasure when found. When Agogo was so sick, I prayed. I asked for help, I asked for answers. I promised anything I was capable of in exchange for Agogo’s health. I fell asleep that night frantically praying for Agogo. I woke up at peace with answers. Agogo improved. I don’t remember now what the answers were, but I know that it all got better. To many of you, my life is directionless. I can’t explain and therefore you don’t understand; I am gently nudged in the direction where I need to be. I can’t fight it. It is what I must do. Dreams appeared in my life. Decisions which seem hard became easy. And when my dreams contradicted each other, an answer once again became clear to me. China isn’t what I wanted it to be for me. What I want for me, and what I feel is the right answer, is in Vanderhoof. Now, don’t take that in the wrong way. China is helping me; I am growing from my experiences and challenges. Because I feel a little lost, I am asking for help again: help in finding my purpose in being here, because I know God has one. It is up to me to ask him to show it to me, and to live up to it when it becomes clear.

In our conversation last night, Erin had her Bible in her hand. What she described was basically what I have said above about my own beliefs, but in a clear and concise way. When man and woman (not yet named Adam and Eve) ate from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, they brought emotions in our lives. Before this, God was their friend and they bore no shame. Upon eating from the Tree, they became shameful of their nakedness and their disobedience of God. God separated from them because of this. He created rules. Humans were to know good and evil, and feel the corresponding emotions. When Jesus came along, God believed him to be perfect. Jesus sinned; Jesus hung out with the “real people” of society – those that were not overtly religious. We know that his lover was a prostitute. Jesus preformed miracles. In the Bible, there is always proof that someone else also performed the same miracle either before or after Jesus. This makes Jesus a regular person. God made him perfect, and he sinned and his miracles were not his alone. Erin suggests this means that we can all be like Jesus – God made us in his own image as he made Jesus. God made us each perfect for ourselves. The Bible says that Jesus questioned God before turning himself in to die on the cross, but in the end, said “It’s your will God” and did it. Erin follows Jesus, not the later preaching’s of Paul, which I understand now are what most churches follow. Jesus gave his life into God’s hands. In this reading (which I like), if Jesus had not gone to the cross, he would have disobeyed God’s will and therefore committed the only true sin. Erin takes this as that each of us has our own set of sins with God. Just because God tells me to do something, doesn’t make it a sin for you if you don’t stop. Let’s use something that I know most of you question in me: my refusal to drink even though I am not sure it’s a valid argument here. God told me not to drink, and I obeyed. God did not tell you not to drink. If I began drinking, it would be a direct refusal of God’s will and I would be a sinner. Because God did not tell you the same thing he told me, you are not a sinner by drinking.

This is where this really spoke to me. I don’t care about sinners, but when I feel strongly that I need to do something, I do it. I don’t always have reasons behind my decisions. This is true for my non-drinking. I don’t like the smell of alcohol, and I felt it destroyed my family. I didn’t even think about drinking until college (and even then, that’s just when drinking became a part of my friends’ lives) and it had no appeal to me at all. I never heard him, but God told me not to drink and because I trust God, I have not broken this request of me. My trips to Africa and even to China are the same – God told me I needed to be here, so here I am. To me, there was never a choice, I had to do it. Believing as I do that everything happens for a reason (or that God has created me for a specific purpose), there is no point fighting the desires within me. I know that I would have been miserable had I not followed through. Shame: shame from ignoring God.

Interesting isn’t it?

Erin has a church she attends at home, which works along these principals. I don’t think I need a church, as it is hard to find a church which practices the forgiving God and the one on one personal relationship with God, but it was reassuring to me to hear that others think about the same way. It was reassuring to me to hear, with the Bible to back it up, that I am not off base, and that calling my spiritual power “God” is not sacrilegious. This also reaffirmed to me that all religions are the same. We strive to please God, and he talks to us and tells us what we need to do. We shouldn’t judge others, and merely do our own best to live the life God created us for.

I feel like I am following God’s plan. Are you?

Alone

Alone.

I have spent my whole life on the edges
Never quiet fitting in
Sometimes I try
But I still make the edges

Many hours have passed
Where I have pondered deep
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I not fun to be around?

Sometimes it upsets me
That I can never fit in
And sometimes, there is so much peace
In being around myself

I hear laughter around me
I don’t know the joke
Even though I am right there
It wasn’t said to me

I think back, over my life
Sitting alone at the lake
A book in my lap
Sitting alone in school
Working up the courage to talk
Standing alone outside
Trying to breathe fresh air
Sitting alone in life
Enjoying and crying together

Why am I always alone?
And why does it bother me so
When I consciously choose to do it?

Safe and Sound in Shanghai

July 6th, 2011. San Francisco Airport
18 hours into the trip and I am exhausted. I napped from 1130 until 2 last night at Erin’s house, napped a tiny bit on the two hour flight to San Francisco, and slept maybe an hour in the airport while on my long layover. The dork ahead of me on the flight from Vancouver put her seat fully back making it so I had to put my seat back to be able to breath. I hate people who do that! I always only recline mine a little because I hate it so much!

Air Canada behaved themselves and didn’t lose any of the 12 people on my flight from PG’s luggage. I was very impressed with their behavior! We even arrived on time. John’s Mom and sister came to the airport to say goodbye to me. It was so sweet of them! Besides my ride, no one has ever seen me off at the airport before! Erin met me at the airport and as soon as we got back to her place I said goodnight. 2 am really isn’t a good time to wake up!

I don’t know why airports insist you are there 3 hours early for an international flight. Erin and I arrived at the airport at about 315 for my 6 am flight. No United representatives were on hand. They arrived at about 330. We get through them, and the baggage people aren’t at work yet. So, we all stand in another line to be able to put our bags on the conveyor belt. Finally a man shows up for work and we move our baggage away. Security was there and I went through fast and problem free. Next up, customs where again, no one is at work yet. This line ended up super long before we started moving. I was glad to be near the front of all of them. Now that we are through security and everything, it’s time to start looking for food before the plane departs. Starbucks is the only place open as we start coming through. Pretty much everyone who was on time for San Francisco ended up at Starbucks because we were hungry and needing our caffeine. Other places were in the process of opening. That’s the worst thing about 6 am flights. It’s almost impossible to get food! And with it being a two hour flight, United did a snack bar where you pay for snacks, but they did give me a full can of apple juice so that was nice.

So far, things are pretty uneventful. I was going to post this for you so you know I am still alive, but it seems that my computer does not want to connect to the Free Wi-Fi at the airport. I still have 2 hours to go before my flight, and my e-reader didn’t charge fully – guess when my laptop shuts off it can’t charge (obviously) so it doesn’t have much life left on it either….. Failure! Guess I will be watching TV and sleeping for the next 16 hour flight! I can see a plug in, I could charge it, but we packed the cord in a random bag that is lost in this massive airport not where near me!

The custom person I had in Vancouver asked where I was going, and fearing that “to China” would sound like as much of a joke to him as it does to me (I think it’s all those I’m digging to China comments we get as kids), I answered with Shanghai. It was 5 am and he didn’t look amused. He wanted to know all about what I was doing in China – is that curiosity or his right to know? I never know with customs, and just answer them! Better to give away information than to be stopped for being difficult I guess!

So, until I get to Shanghai, so long!

July 7, 2011 Shanghai

Here I am! Shanghai at long last! I swear the flight took extra-long, but it appears we arrived a couple of minutes early. Maybe it just seemed like forever because the on-flight entertainment was all in Chinese with Chinese subtitles (although the man next to me who was Indian appeared to be listening to them… I couldn’t find the channel!). I napped a bunch but time didn’t seem to be napping away! I picked up a cold somewhere along the way today, so I have a sore throat and am a little stuffy, but mostly just feel like I might be sick. How lame is that! I read until my e-reader told me it couldn’t read anymore – I might have to have a quick gander to see if I can find my chargers, and the proper plug ins! Tomorrow though, I am going to bed really early for the Chinese and really late for me! Right now, it’s approaching 5 am in Canada and I have been on the go for 27 hours even though I napped a lot! This flight came with two full meals and a snack which was really nice. My kind neighbor even took a snack for me when I slept through snack time! It was nice to wake up to a banana and a muffin waiting for me! I also miscalculated when we should be in (they said 10 hours and to me, that meant 10 pm….. and I think it was more like 10 hours 59 minutes lol). Sadly, it’s really cloudy out today and I didn’t get to see much on the way into Shanghai from the air.

I should have peed before I left the plane! I have always just snuck into a bathroom in the terminal to clean up a little and relieve myself before customs, but I had some trouble finding toilets that weren’t miles out of the way. Immigration was a really long line, but it went very smoothly. All three of my bags came in a row again. I lost a rainbow strap in the last 24 hours, but it was on the very noticeable suitcase, so that was fine. I put my big backpack into a bag in Vancouver and I will be throwing the bag out before I try to move the silly thing again since it is just falling out in numerous places! There was no one in customs; we all just walked right on through. Then came the line of people collecting other people. I looked for my name even though I wasn’t expecting to see it. I came out of the line and was wondering where I might find a payphone (and if there would be English instructions on the payphone when I did find it) and a man asked if he could help me. I said I was supposed to call my hotel when I got here for a ride. He took my papers from me and said come to my booth. I followed (wondering how much this would cost me – in Ghana, I would be paying for him to talk to me let alone help me!) and he dialed and gave me the phone. The girl spoke to me in English (maybe calling at 3 am wasn’t my best idea last week) and told me where to go to meet the driver. He was there in about half an hour.

My first impressions of Shanghai are that it is a beautiful city. I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t expecting construction like at home, but there it is. I pictured far more traffic (maybe it’s because it was 7 pm on a Thursday?) like in Accra, but we just moseyed our way here. The driving reminds me of Accra though! There was another girl coming to the hotel tonight too (she has been here a while but is Canadian) and I let her have the front seat because I was smaller than her for the luggage filled backseat. She was like “oh sure, make me watch my death come” and I laughed. Maybe it was that there is less traffic tonight, but death was more certain in Accra! I should be pretty adjusted to the time zone tomorrow and I plan to go for a walk, or on a tour or something the hotel offers. I didn’t talk to them about it tonight though, I just wanted to rest!

I am going to go have a cold shower and crawl into my king sized bed and sleep the night away! I love you Canada (and England…) and hope life is going well so far without me! Congratulations, you have survived day one! :P Love you and hope to hear from you all soon!