Defeated.

I am so defeated right now.  When I had my practicum interview in November, I was so excited for this practicum! It fit with FASD and with social work, and I was going to work everywhere within the organization.  When I started in January, I became frustrated.  It was week two, and I wasn’t doing anything.  I thought that the organization would have stuff for me to do, to bring me into their work with them.  I was told not to talk to the clients until they were used to me.  By midterm, I was in trouble for not talking to them.

The practicum was more ECE than I would have liked, but I thought I was trying to make the most of it.  I don’t know a lot about early childhood development – we take a course on lifespan development, it doesn’t spend long enough on early childhood to make me feel I know enough to talk to parents about how their child is developing.  I chatted with the parents at our groups, but we all knew that I didn’t have experience in parenting or know enough about development – they couldn’t ask me questions about their child.  I disliked group – it was loud and chaotic and not something I enjoyed.  But I was always there, offering to help, or playing with children whose parents were distracted.  Groups exhausted me.  Was there learning I missed in these situations? Maybe, but I am still missing it.  I started doing research on conditions that some of the children had, so that at least I understood that.  But, because it is sometimes a sensitive topic for parents, I didn’t feel like I should sit in on conversations about it.

Ok, I admit that I feel awkward joining in the middle of a relationship.  All clients I saw had established relationships with someone in our agency, and then they filled me in.  I always felt awkward.  But on the one chance I had outside groups to see someone for a second time, I felt more comfortable saying something because I had learned a little about them by then.  If I don’t have the information to take over the conversation, how can I insert myself in that first meeting?  And the client I did see twice, was a cultural visit, so I wasn’t even sure what my role would be as a white person in an Aboriginal home, with our culture worker.  I don’t feel like I ever understood my role.  I was told I would take the lead on a new family.  I talked in the first meeting, but was overrun in the next meeting (with a different member of the family).  Visits happened when I was not on site.  How can I participate if I am excluded?

I came to dread going to practicum because it became a rare day that anyone would include me.  I was promised to go out with one of the social workers, but when I asked the next day – nope she was taking the other social work student.  The day before, she had told me she could take as many students as she wanted.  I didn’t push it (again, maybe I should have, but it’s not who I am).  She said I could sit in on a meeting she had over lunch, I agreed.  Three weeks in a row, the clients did not show up.  I would take anything anyone gave to me.  I typed notes for social workers.   I gladly documented anything that my supervisor and I did.  I added up numbers for someone for their stats.  I did orders.  Anything that anyone could think of to keep me busy, I was game.  I was told today that I wasn’t motivated.  This came as a shock to me.  I was also told that I turned down work with a social worker on the other side (when!?) and that it surprised everyone.  I wanted to work on the other side, I felt like every time I tried, I was turned down.  People would tell me I could come with them, and next thing I know, they have left and I was still there.

My instructor says that I was negative and had given up on my practicum because it was young children.  I didn’t think that was what I ever said.  I said that it was a lot of child minding and that I struggled with it because I don’t know enough about early childhood development to know what to talk to the parents about.  I also said that the only time we had clients on site was during groups, which for most of the time, was twice a week for 2 hours.  That is not enough contact time to learn anything!  And, they always came in for group – which meant playing with their children.

I came home every day frustrated that I wasn’t doing anything.  I would start most mornings asking what I can do today.  Most days, no one even responded to me.

As a new to social work person, I guess I needed more guidance than I got.  This is my first practicum. I thought there would be training.  I hoped to be eased in, but expected to get thrown in.  I see the value of the children (children are our future after all), I just felt ill equipped to deal with it.

I just don’t know how I could have made it better with keeping with who I am.  I have grown a lot in the last year, and could have pushed my boundaries but I needed guidance.

So today, I feel like a shitty social worker.  But the thing is, I “just needed more guidance” for teaching too.  Maybe I am just not cut out for this…

But, I ran Go Girls just fine.  My Brownie Unit had a lot of hiccups, but I wasn’t defeated by it.  I know I can do this stuff – so why is it so hard in the job?  I know I am a very capable employee in most of my jobs.  I just don’t know what to do.

As shitty as it would be, maybe a failing practicum would be good – maybe I could have a better 3^rd year practicum if I had to do it again.

Things on my mind

I have a lot on my mind these days.

The first is that I feel like a job opportunity is fucking me around.  I am heading for a third interview tomorrow – sounds great but it is also with a third manager.  The first manager had my references checked but didn’t hire me.  The second manager just chatted with me about who I am and said I would know tomorrow if she hires me.  Then today, I get a call from the HR lady – yet another manager wants to meet me.  I know interview practice is a good thing, but this is ridiculous.  I have decided I am not meeting another manager after tomorrow.  I don’t need a job that fucks me around before hiring!  I don’t care how desperately I need a job, or how little related experience I have.  Bring them all in, and I will dazzle them all at once!

I also feel like my practicum is trying to find reasons to fail me.  Thankfully, they don’t have the right to fail me, and I am not going to fail it (the instructor who has the right has made that clear as I complained all semester).  As you know, I have struggled with this practicum from the beginning.  I have tried to do what I need to do, tried to make it the best of it.  I have researched issues some of our children have.  I have begged to go out with social workers.  I am quick to jump on anything they offer me.  However, the week before my midterm evaluation, I was told that I wasn’t meeting expectations and had “three days to fix it”.  I had been told not to talk to the clients, and then got in trouble for not talking to the clients.  But, I don’t know about childhood development and am not in a field that is training me to know.  I feel like we are doing it again.  Last week, my field instructor went on a home visit without me.  She said that it was more a social call and I wouldn’t enjoy it.  Whatever.  I figured she was using it as an excuse to go home early anyways.  Come Tuesday though, she has changed her mind.  I need to see this client, because she is a social work client, just not one that we currently deal with – and we have resumed a friendlier role.  I get taken along.  I am given no information about the client we are about to meet.  I am told that I need to ask her lots of questions.  We get there, and I am introduced to the client as a social work student.  She says “I am going to scare you today” and laughs.  Great.  She shared a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff which is shocking.  She talked for about 30 minutes then both her and my person turn to me and say “questions?”.  I said I didn’t have any questions at this time.  They told me I had to.  I did get out of the awkward situation but I am pretty sure because we said it was time to go.  As we were leaving, my person told me and the client that she would drop me off another time and leave me there so we had to chat.  She asked me in the car why I had nothing to say (hinting at I need to take responsibility for my learning).  I told her that I felt like asking questions in this situation seemed rude.  I only had curiosity questions, and they are not appropriate for a social worker to ask.  I get told that I need to learn how to ask difficult questions at some point, may as well do it in a safe environment where the client wants to share her story with anyone that asks.  I said that in our classes we are told to ask expanding questions but not to pry.  This client does not currently need a social worker in her life.  Two days later, I don’t know what I could have asked without being noisy.  I have talked it over with classmates and we all agree that there was nothing I could ask that was for the clients’ interests.  Everything I could ask was for my own benefit at the expense of the client.  So anyways, my final evaluation in next week and I see it saying something like “doesn’t interact with clients”. But during our conversation about why I had nothing to say, I was also told that I need to build relationship with clients.  I wanted to yell, yes, build relationship, not ask questions for me after 30 minutes!!  I see it biting me in the ass, but I remain convinced I made the right ethical decision.  Just so frustrating and I am so done with it.

And the final thing on my mind this week… it’s a big one and I am not totally sure how to even write about it.

A friend and I were talking the other night.  We talked about my relationship history.  We were talking about my past, and my sexual life.  We talked about cancer and how endometritisis is not related.  We talked about the men I have dated.  We talked about me calling rape on my boyfriends because I just wasn’t willing. I talked for a long time.  I explained a lot of things.  When I stopped talking, she asked (in a totally gentle and real way) if I had been abused as I exhibit trauma signs.

I had panic attacks during sex with my last boyfriend.  Curled into a ball, crying hysterically, afraid to be touched.   I told myself this was a first time and a fluke thing.  Then it happened again.  We decided I was afraid to orgasm.  He wanted to keep trying (not those nights obviously).  He thought if we worked on my tolerance it might help.  Maybe with a normal girl.

As I talked about my past, and these panic attacks, a thought came to me.  My first boyfriend, ten years ago.  I cried when we had sex, and I was madly in love with him.  I wanted a future with him.  I wanted babies with him.  He was nothing but gentle with me and stopped when I cried.  But, he didn’t understand why I was crying.  Neither did I.

Another thought came to me.  I have always been afraid of men.  I was uncomfortable around my friends’ dads.  It didn’t matter how long I had known the man for, or how nice he was to me, I was afraid of them.  This I always blamed on not having grown up with a man around.  I just didn’t know how to have a dad.  I have a couple of uncles that I feel uncomfortable around to this day.  I always told myself that they were weird men.

Now, I might be projecting my learning onto myself, and that is something I am aware of as well.  But talking with a classmate, who is learning the same trauma triggers as me; it became clear to both of us that something has caused this in my life.  People do not grow up terrified of men.  Panic attacks come from somewhere.

Now the question is, do I need to know the trauma that caused these issues in me, or can I heal without the knowledge?  I am on a healing journey, and I know the sex thing is still heavy on my mind.  I know I am healing some of the issues behind it.  But if there is a deeper issue, do I need to know? Do I even want to know?  If I am on this journey now and now is a good time for it,

It would explain the panic attacks. It would explain the dissociative states I go into while having sex.  I think of anything but what is happening.  I know that this could be a side effect of my anti-depressants.

So, I talked to my counselor about this today.  She said that it could be anything I suggested – that I didn’t have a man in the house and I didn’t have that kind of experience growing up, so having males around confused me.  But, she also said that maybe, there was something else.  She said that maybe somewhere along the line, a man made me feel uncomfortable in something he did or said or a way he looked at me.  She said it didn’t have to be “abuse” to be trauma.

When I think about the four men that bother me off the top of my head, I can’t think of specific examples, but I can see them doing something that would bother me.  One has always been rough, and has scared me in how he talks to me, and shakes my hand.  One of the men compared his daughter and me in sexual ways – but I didn’t really see that until we were well into our teens.  One of these men I do not know at all and never had a desire to – he just wasn’t ever around.  And the final man I can think of, I think he just had a different lifestyle than me.  I can picture his son doing things that were not okay in my house, but every house is different.  What is okay to me might be weird to them.  So I can sort of see how all of these men might have caused some sort of reaction in me.  And that’s okay.  If any of those men made me feel uncomfortable as a child, it is something they need to deal with, not something I need to carry for them.  So, I am going to try that when a man makes me feel uncomfortable, to think about where it came from.  Is it his tone? Is it his body language? Is he physically doing something?  Why do I feel uncomfortable? And if it is something he is doing, I can walk away, or whatever.  I don’t have to deal with his issues.

I don’t think I was ever touched or abused or anything.  But, it is interesting to see how that could have happened.  Whatever did happen, happened.  I want to heal from my previous self-inflicted trauma.  And knowing things makes things better.  Knowing things makes them less scary even when they are terrifying!

Letter of Forgiveness

Dear Jenna,

There is an atish in my heart that it is time to heal.  It is time to allow your spirit to shine through again.  I know you are hurting because of a mistake you made almost 10 years ago.  I forgive you for it.  You were young, and in pain.  All you wanted was human contact to remind you that you were still lovable.  Leaving the man you loved was a big decision to make.  I am proud of you for having the strength to walk away from something not right for you.  I know you have this intense guilt about what you did when you were 19.  Compared to many, you did nothing.  But I know you feel lit.  You made mistakes, you learned from your mistakes.  I forgive you for the mistakes we made.  Mistakes happen.  Poor decisions happen.  They do not define you.  You are not your mistakes any more than you are your thoughts.  Just think about how you have changed from that summer.  You are in control again.  You quickly grew out of a stage of life (a completely normal stage of life I might add) and became a better person.  I forgive you for your actions.  I know how much you were hurting at the time.  I forgive you.  Let your spirit shine through.

I know you struggle with how you dealt with the results of that summer.  But, eight years later and I am not sure I could do any better than you did at the time.  Doctors are supposed to take care of you.  Your doctor failed you.  He failed at his job that day.  It hurt you.  You were rightfully terrified.  He set you up for failure by giving you no information to go on, nothing to help you cope.  He gave you no warning and left you alone to react.  You were so young.  Of course you were terrified.  Cancer means death.  Most doctors would realize the word cancer, to any age patient, is traumatizing.  He failed you.  I forgive you for your response.  The medical system didn’t make it easier on you with wait times and rules.  You waited for tests, waited for results, waited for appointments.  Somehow, no one told you what you needed to know but were afraid to ask.  Sure you could have asked, but you were 21 years old and terrified.  Who wants to ask if they are dying?  The system failed you.  I forgive you.

Because life was terrifying, you found comfort where you could.  Maybe you walked away when you should have stayed.  Maybe you stayed when you should have ran.  You did what you thought was best at the time.  You did what you had to do.  You did your best with what you had.  You learned and you grew from your experiences.  I forgive you and am proud of you for making it so far on your own.  I am proud of you for the choices you made.  They haven’t always been the best choices, but in the end, you always did what was best for you.  That takes strength I am happy to see you in.  You have struggled because of your mistakes and because of choices of others.  Somehow you always end up on top, with your beautiful smile shining through.  Let go of the pain of your past.  It cannot define you anymore.

Jenna, you are a beautiful person, inside and out.  I forgive you for your past.  I am proud of you.  I see such hope for your future.  Please, accept my apology and my forgiveness for the transgressions against your soul.  Let go of the pain you carry.  You are perfect and whole.  You are loved for all you are and for the road you have traveled.  You are forgiven.

I love you with everything I am.

Jenna

fml

Learn to trust they say.  Learn to let go.  It’s not entirely your fault and you cannot blame yourself for it as if it was.  Learn to visualize the future they say. 

It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself that it was not my fault, and that I need to let it go, here it is.  still here.  Still causing pain in my life.  The frustrating part is that I know it’s not my fault, I know I need to let it go, I know it is causing me pain.  I feel like I have let it go.  But I know that the most stubborn part of my brain does not believe me.  it is still holding on.  It thinks torturing me is fun.

I think we found my main issues.  I have known them all my life (or for many years anyways). 

Fear of abandonment

Inability to trust

Complete lack of self esteem

Intimacy issues.

I don’t want to point fingers or cause any pain.  I am writing for my own relief.  I am sorry if it hurts you. I am hurting so deeply I might not see it.

I have always been a trusting person, so it might seem weird that I have an inability to trust.  Except, I have also been abandoned so many times by the people I trust so deeply that while I keep trusting people, I also find ways to push them away.  My only long term friendships I don’t feel like I can run to when I have a problem, but I know many people run to me.  I remember so many friendships where I thought it was a solid friendship, and they all ended, some of them in the midst of my crises.  I know I have a lot of crises, but when will someone stick by my side?  I still don’t have many friends, and the ones I do, I wonder when they will leave me too?  And because my self-esteem has been hit so hard over the years, I can convince myself very easily that I do not deserve good people in my life.  How was it possible I have been so hurt that I believe that?  It’s not a sometimes belief; it’s one I have to constantly try to tell myself if false.  All of these come down to that the obvious: of course I can’t have an intimate relationship when I am trying desperately to protect myself in some way.  Sex is supposedly an emotional and physical connection; it is supposed to be a full experience that completes a relationship (or something like that).  That involves a lot of trust which I terrified to give.

So, how do I deal with this?  I push.  I push people away.  This is the real flight or fight response to my previous counselor and his damn saber tooth tiger.  I push people away and if they continue to try to be around me, I flee.  I can see this so clearly with poor Eric right now.  I pushed when I was having a bad day/week and he responded with kindness (what is that to my angry bitchiness? I have no idea how to deal with this kindness), so I push harder.  I am on the verge of flight.   I am finding reasons to flee.  I am making up reasons to flee.  I see my previous relationship so clearly.  I pushed and pushed and finally ran.  Have I always done that?  I see it in a way with Will, but maybe I just ran then.  I didn’t run from Travis or Dennis and I should have.  I ran from Nick.  I ran from Marc.  I see a trend.

I cried yesterday in counselling as I told her.  Tonight I kept pushing until I caused a fight.  Now I am begging for help.  I don’t want to be like this.  Maybe I need to start yet another counsellor next week as my newest one is gone for 3 weeks.  I can’t live with myself like this for another three weeks.  Of course, she stated the obvious, that I needed to learn to love myself, to trust, and to forgive myself.  I know all of these things.  I have no idea how to deal with any of them and right now, my stress level is too high to do want to care. Except I do care.  I desperately want to be a better person, not the nasty little bitch I have been for the last while.

I am so tired.  Sleep doesn’t seem to be helping, and I am going to bed earlier every day (well not today, today I am going to cry myself to sleep after I write this).  I am frustrated with my practicum, but have had a co-worker promise she is going to try to make it better for me.  I got an “unsatisfactory” on the midterm evaluation and feel it was an unfair judgment.  She said it’s because I don’t take the lead enough, but she doesn’t share what I could be involved with with her, and by the time she does, no one is around for me to follow… also, I know nothing about early childhood anything, so I don’t have much to say to our clients.  I feel useless and am wondering why I am actually in the program.  And it seems like everyone but me knows where they want to go within the field and I have no idea.  I’m sure it’s just the month I’m having, but maybe it was a bad choice.  I really enjoy the learning, but maybe I just miss learning.  I think I am just frustrated with everything.  Is it that I don’t see the sunshine when it is out? Is it just that I am tired? Is it all because I messed up my birth control? I don’t know, but I want it fixed.  I hate feeling like this, and I hate making others feel like this.