Defeated.

I am so defeated right now.  When I had my practicum interview in November, I was so excited for this practicum! It fit with FASD and with social work, and I was going to work everywhere within the organization.  When I started in January, I became frustrated.  It was week two, and I wasn’t doing anything.  I thought that the organization would have stuff for me to do, to bring me into their work with them.  I was told not to talk to the clients until they were used to me.  By midterm, I was in trouble for not talking to them.

The practicum was more ECE than I would have liked, but I thought I was trying to make the most of it.  I don’t know a lot about early childhood development – we take a course on lifespan development, it doesn’t spend long enough on early childhood to make me feel I know enough to talk to parents about how their child is developing.  I chatted with the parents at our groups, but we all knew that I didn’t have experience in parenting or know enough about development – they couldn’t ask me questions about their child.  I disliked group – it was loud and chaotic and not something I enjoyed.  But I was always there, offering to help, or playing with children whose parents were distracted.  Groups exhausted me.  Was there learning I missed in these situations? Maybe, but I am still missing it.  I started doing research on conditions that some of the children had, so that at least I understood that.  But, because it is sometimes a sensitive topic for parents, I didn’t feel like I should sit in on conversations about it.

Ok, I admit that I feel awkward joining in the middle of a relationship.  All clients I saw had established relationships with someone in our agency, and then they filled me in.  I always felt awkward.  But on the one chance I had outside groups to see someone for a second time, I felt more comfortable saying something because I had learned a little about them by then.  If I don’t have the information to take over the conversation, how can I insert myself in that first meeting?  And the client I did see twice, was a cultural visit, so I wasn’t even sure what my role would be as a white person in an Aboriginal home, with our culture worker.  I don’t feel like I ever understood my role.  I was told I would take the lead on a new family.  I talked in the first meeting, but was overrun in the next meeting (with a different member of the family).  Visits happened when I was not on site.  How can I participate if I am excluded?

I came to dread going to practicum because it became a rare day that anyone would include me.  I was promised to go out with one of the social workers, but when I asked the next day – nope she was taking the other social work student.  The day before, she had told me she could take as many students as she wanted.  I didn’t push it (again, maybe I should have, but it’s not who I am).  She said I could sit in on a meeting she had over lunch, I agreed.  Three weeks in a row, the clients did not show up.  I would take anything anyone gave to me.  I typed notes for social workers.   I gladly documented anything that my supervisor and I did.  I added up numbers for someone for their stats.  I did orders.  Anything that anyone could think of to keep me busy, I was game.  I was told today that I wasn’t motivated.  This came as a shock to me.  I was also told that I turned down work with a social worker on the other side (when!?) and that it surprised everyone.  I wanted to work on the other side, I felt like every time I tried, I was turned down.  People would tell me I could come with them, and next thing I know, they have left and I was still there.

My instructor says that I was negative and had given up on my practicum because it was young children.  I didn’t think that was what I ever said.  I said that it was a lot of child minding and that I struggled with it because I don’t know enough about early childhood development to know what to talk to the parents about.  I also said that the only time we had clients on site was during groups, which for most of the time, was twice a week for 2 hours.  That is not enough contact time to learn anything!  And, they always came in for group – which meant playing with their children.

I came home every day frustrated that I wasn’t doing anything.  I would start most mornings asking what I can do today.  Most days, no one even responded to me.

As a new to social work person, I guess I needed more guidance than I got.  This is my first practicum. I thought there would be training.  I hoped to be eased in, but expected to get thrown in.  I see the value of the children (children are our future after all), I just felt ill equipped to deal with it.

I just don’t know how I could have made it better with keeping with who I am.  I have grown a lot in the last year, and could have pushed my boundaries but I needed guidance.

So today, I feel like a shitty social worker.  But the thing is, I “just needed more guidance” for teaching too.  Maybe I am just not cut out for this…

But, I ran Go Girls just fine.  My Brownie Unit had a lot of hiccups, but I wasn’t defeated by it.  I know I can do this stuff – so why is it so hard in the job?  I know I am a very capable employee in most of my jobs.  I just don’t know what to do.

As shitty as it would be, maybe a failing practicum would be good – maybe I could have a better 3^rd year practicum if I had to do it again.