fml

Learn to trust they say.  Learn to let go.  It’s not entirely your fault and you cannot blame yourself for it as if it was.  Learn to visualize the future they say. 

It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself that it was not my fault, and that I need to let it go, here it is.  still here.  Still causing pain in my life.  The frustrating part is that I know it’s not my fault, I know I need to let it go, I know it is causing me pain.  I feel like I have let it go.  But I know that the most stubborn part of my brain does not believe me.  it is still holding on.  It thinks torturing me is fun.

I think we found my main issues.  I have known them all my life (or for many years anyways). 

Fear of abandonment

Inability to trust

Complete lack of self esteem

Intimacy issues.

I don’t want to point fingers or cause any pain.  I am writing for my own relief.  I am sorry if it hurts you. I am hurting so deeply I might not see it.

I have always been a trusting person, so it might seem weird that I have an inability to trust.  Except, I have also been abandoned so many times by the people I trust so deeply that while I keep trusting people, I also find ways to push them away.  My only long term friendships I don’t feel like I can run to when I have a problem, but I know many people run to me.  I remember so many friendships where I thought it was a solid friendship, and they all ended, some of them in the midst of my crises.  I know I have a lot of crises, but when will someone stick by my side?  I still don’t have many friends, and the ones I do, I wonder when they will leave me too?  And because my self-esteem has been hit so hard over the years, I can convince myself very easily that I do not deserve good people in my life.  How was it possible I have been so hurt that I believe that?  It’s not a sometimes belief; it’s one I have to constantly try to tell myself if false.  All of these come down to that the obvious: of course I can’t have an intimate relationship when I am trying desperately to protect myself in some way.  Sex is supposedly an emotional and physical connection; it is supposed to be a full experience that completes a relationship (or something like that).  That involves a lot of trust which I terrified to give.

So, how do I deal with this?  I push.  I push people away.  This is the real flight or fight response to my previous counselor and his damn saber tooth tiger.  I push people away and if they continue to try to be around me, I flee.  I can see this so clearly with poor Eric right now.  I pushed when I was having a bad day/week and he responded with kindness (what is that to my angry bitchiness? I have no idea how to deal with this kindness), so I push harder.  I am on the verge of flight.   I am finding reasons to flee.  I am making up reasons to flee.  I see my previous relationship so clearly.  I pushed and pushed and finally ran.  Have I always done that?  I see it in a way with Will, but maybe I just ran then.  I didn’t run from Travis or Dennis and I should have.  I ran from Nick.  I ran from Marc.  I see a trend.

I cried yesterday in counselling as I told her.  Tonight I kept pushing until I caused a fight.  Now I am begging for help.  I don’t want to be like this.  Maybe I need to start yet another counsellor next week as my newest one is gone for 3 weeks.  I can’t live with myself like this for another three weeks.  Of course, she stated the obvious, that I needed to learn to love myself, to trust, and to forgive myself.  I know all of these things.  I have no idea how to deal with any of them and right now, my stress level is too high to do want to care. Except I do care.  I desperately want to be a better person, not the nasty little bitch I have been for the last while.

I am so tired.  Sleep doesn’t seem to be helping, and I am going to bed earlier every day (well not today, today I am going to cry myself to sleep after I write this).  I am frustrated with my practicum, but have had a co-worker promise she is going to try to make it better for me.  I got an “unsatisfactory” on the midterm evaluation and feel it was an unfair judgment.  She said it’s because I don’t take the lead enough, but she doesn’t share what I could be involved with with her, and by the time she does, no one is around for me to follow… also, I know nothing about early childhood anything, so I don’t have much to say to our clients.  I feel useless and am wondering why I am actually in the program.  And it seems like everyone but me knows where they want to go within the field and I have no idea.  I’m sure it’s just the month I’m having, but maybe it was a bad choice.  I really enjoy the learning, but maybe I just miss learning.  I think I am just frustrated with everything.  Is it that I don’t see the sunshine when it is out? Is it just that I am tired? Is it all because I messed up my birth control? I don’t know, but I want it fixed.  I hate feeling like this, and I hate making others feel like this.