Calling it abuse

I went to counseling again today.  I’m not sure how I feel about it.  He seems to be fixated on my lack of interest in sex (he wants to define what that really means because “not important” and “not interested” are apparently not what I really mean).  I keep saying that I don’t think it’s so much that I don’t want sex as the stuff going on in my head.  He says that it looks like I want him to fix my sexual desire.  I don’t think that’s the case at all.  I kept saying that I didn’t think the sex mattered and it kept coming back to sex.  It seemed like a long meeting for a while, but then we ended up going overtime in talking about stuff without either of us knowing we had gone past our time.  I am not sure I came out of today with much, but, I booked an appointment for next week.

He suggested we look at my sex issues as trauma/sexual abuse.  I hesitated on where he was coming from, but I think that the amount of times I have felt as though I was being forced into sex, and therefore called rape on the man, can definitely be called such.  However, if I think about when my issues started, I don’t think we have a cause and effect.  I cut Marc off because the endo hurt and sex lost its appeal.  I don’t remember ever calling rape on Marc.  It was at some point after I cut him off and stopped having sex that the “rape” occurred.  I do struggle to call it rape although there have been times I have.  It is rape in that I said no, and sex continued.  It is rape in that I said no, and had a penis forced into me.   Is it trauma? In a sense, yes.  How can I trust my partner is I can’t say no and be respected? Is it a cause? Very well could be.  Trust is a huge thing in sex!  However, I know Marc and I had problems before.  But I also know I had sex right after Marc.   I am pretty sure the ideas in this paragraph are more than what my body does with sex. 

Sex is a part of healthy relationship.  He suggested that the ultimate goal was that both me and my partner have orgasms and are happy with sex.  I told him I thought that was an unrealistic goal, and that it is more that right now I cannot have a healthy relationship because sex always gets in the way in some way or another.  So to me, the ultimate goal is that my partner is happy with the sex in the relationship, and I am okay with it.  I don’t see me becoming sex crazed and super into sex.  It could happen, but let’s look at more realistic goals.  I want the relationship.  To me, it is great if it comes without sex and focuses on the emotional connection.  However, I also know this is not realistic.

We talked about how if I start aroused, I don’t feel used (which may mean don’t feel rape).  When I start aroused, I normally let my partner finish, even if I am no longer into it.  I think that feeling used, like a portal for him to get off, is one of my biggest problems.  I know I am not into it, but there has to be a way that it can work for me as well, at least in a little way!  He says I need to make a list of things for me that I need in the relationship in order for it to be sexual.

I know that what we talked about will help me form a healthy relationship; I am just not convinced it was what I needed.  Clearly, talking about sex is easy enough with him, but I wonder if a female counselor would be less fixated on sex and more on the shame I feel!  Then maybe he wouldn’t feel as much like he was supposed to fix my problem and be a counselor!  I have a mental block. I don’t care about the sex.  I know I need to use my voice, but I also can see the value in what he says… but I don’t think that my sex life is so much the problem as the fact that talking about having a sex life terrifies me!