Emotional Day!

Today has been an emotional day for me.  

My grandfather has been gone 16 years, but I think I am finally mature enough to understand what the world, and especially myself, lost that day.  I only have vague memories (my memory has never been great – it is going to suck to be my family if I ever have Alzheimer’s!) of a wonderful man.  I remember events which I know took place more often than normal conversations.  I hear his voice in prayers, but I cannot remember his laugh.  I have no specific memories of things we did, just him and I.  I was only 14 (technically I was 13 but close enough to 14) when he passed away.  I hadn’t learned yet that life is short and to hold onto and treasure those that matter.  I didn’t really know love, or loss.  I couldn’t see then all the spirit he had in him.  I can’t remember a single look of disappointment or a moment of anger from him.  We put his wheelchair in the lake more times than I can count and he laughed about it.  We were never in trouble for it.  I wish I had been more aware of the things he did and the love he possessed.  I remember fondly him jumping out of the boat in the middle of the lake and strangers being appalled when the boat left him out there to swim back to shore.  I remember curling up in his lap – he never complained about my bony bum!   I remember patience – he drove the boat while so many of us learned to water ski – and would drive the boat for hours to get us all out on the water.  I wish I had gone to Sunday school at the Lake instead of going swimming.  I wish I had known the value of quality time.

However, despite not remembering much about him, I know he has influenced my life.  I know my empathy for people with disabilities stems from knowing him.  I never saw my grandfather walk – he was in a wheelchair long before I was born.  But Polio never slowed him down.  I know the story where his children taunted him for the second floor, thinking a man that couldn’t use his legs was helpless to punish them.  Before they knew it, he had scooted up the stairs using his arms to give them what they deserved. We were told to make sure we didn’t put our sleeping bags in his way or he would run us over (I don’t think he ever would have, but the threat was there).  I know he was self-sufficient – he put his own wheelchair in the car, and drove himself many places.  While he let us pretend we were pushing him up the hill, I know he did the majority of the work himself.  I cannot watch someone with a disability struggle.  I like to offer my help, but accept that they might want to do it alone.  I feel an incredible anger when on public transit and someone is sitting in the reserved seats and does not move for someone less able bodied than them.  When I see someone struggling, I try to help!  I know how easy it is to go from able bodied to less able bodied, and I have seen the struggles people have when this happens.  I accept that help is not always appreciated, but that is a sense of pride.  I would rather offer than ignore the situation.

Despite this being the day we lost him, I cannot speak of him alone.  His wife played a huge role in the way I remember both of them.  My grandparents taught me the value of altruism without saying a word.  I was pretty young and helping pack and deliver Meals on Wheels around Vancouver while on vacation.  I learned to love helping other people – even in what seemed like such small ways. I volunteer a lot.  I can see how this has come from my grandparents.  I can see where Meals on Wheels brought joy to many people, and I am proud to bring joy to people I can help with.

My grandparents held Church gatherings at their house in Richmond – everyone was welcome and there was always plenty of food.  I know that had a poverty ridden knocked on their door, they would have helped him.  What a great way to live, and what a powerful way to influence your children and grandchildren.  My grandparent’s summer home was available to all at any time, without notice even being given.  I brought a friend one year, and they accepted her as one of their own.  Helping Grama in the kitchen throughout July I learned a lot about cooking for many – things I still use today.  The prayers before meals, even though I found them annoying at the time, brought the family closer together.  To this day, a man with a deep voice leading a table in prayer brings a smile to my face. 

I wish I had understood the value of the lessons you taught me when I was younger.  You offered what seems now to be unconditional love.  Sure, we disagreed on things (particularly as I aged, and more with Grama than Grampa – but he wasn’t around when I started making bad decisions!), but I know you told me with love the things you told me.  Most of our disagreements were related to religion, which I never saw value in (ironically, I am now trying to place religion, which is still a pretty foreign concept to me, into my life).  You were both so proud of me, of all of us.  You taught many valuable lessons which embody the life I am living.  I wonder if I had accepted these teachings (or even been aware of these teachings) earlier in my life if I wouldn’t have spent so many years filled with anger, distrust, depression and the other negative emotions which filled many of my teenage years.  I wonder if I would have found my life path sooner.  I know my trips to Ghana were supported by you – I used some of my inheritance money from you to support these trips.  I know my current life path would be one you would encourage me in.  I know I am here because of you.

I spent a lot of time thinking about you two today.  If I could have you for a different 14 years, I might have chosen a time when I was more able to see your value in my life.  However, with that said, I know I had you for my most influential years.  And, seeing the value of you 16 years later is better than never having you at all.

I attended a poverty simulation today, put on by the United Way.  For one hour, I was in a family unit, struggling with poverty. 

Poverty is not something I have ever experienced, although I think my Mom might say she has.  My Mom struggled when we were young – she was a single parent working full time and raising two children on her own.  Her own family was 800 km away, and I think pride said she couldn’t go back.  However, I never did without.  I learned early on that saving money was a good way to live, and have always had a backup savings account. 

I have lived amongst abject poverty, but again, I knew I could have whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  Living in Ghana made me realize how hard it could be to live in poverty.  I was asked on a fairly regular basis to help someone in the community with health care costs, with food costs, with transportation costs – with almost everything.  I remember one man, who knew my name, telling me that his daughter was going to die from malaria if I didn’t help them with the cost of the malaria medication.  Maybe I was selfish, but I was also paying any money I could into the orphanage with 30 small children who also needed help.  I told that man I couldn’t do it.  I don’t know what happened to his child.  I hope she lived. 

In Ghana, I also saw people sleeping on the street next to their shops.  Seeing is believing in this case – these people during the day portrayed the picture of happiness.  They were running their shops, their children were playing.  I had no idea what I was walking amongst.  An American woman who was in Ghana with me lived on $1 a day for a while.  However, all of our meals and water were provided for us, as was our shelter (a house with locks on doors).  Her $1 a day went to transportation, phone credit, internet use (she was writing a blog for a donor organization and had to check in), and extra supplies she might have needed – such as toilet paper, a pen or paper, or whatever!  But when transportation to the next town is 70 cents – she did have to save a couple of days to even travel.  Young children who sold water all day made 20 cents a day.  How does a family survive on that?

Today, I was in a family unit.  I was 16 and seven months pregnant.  My boyfriend was a high school dropout and was selling drugs to help his family.  My mother worked full time for $10.50 an hour. My father had lost his job four months ago, and his EI had run out.  I had a 10 and 8 year old brother.  When we first got our bills, we realized that we were automatically short $500 based on Mom’s earnings.  Right away, we decided to sell our TV, Stereo and Camera to make some extra cash.  We only had enough bus tickets for Mom to get to and from work for a week – not for anyone else to go anywhere (school was free transportation but only to school).  We sold our stuff to the pawn shop for 70% less than the value of the stuff – giving us only $90 from our extras.  The simulation was four 15 minute weeks with 3 minute weekends.  In 15 minutes, the parents were expected to pay our rent, go to full time jobs (had to be there for 5 minutes to get paid, and had to be on time or would be laid off for a week), buy the groceries, look for work, pay the utilities and run the house.  Because of our ages, the children stayed home.  It was also an extra bus ticket to take any of the children with the parents.  There were about 20 families participating (families could be single parents, single seniors, families, or whatever is out there!).  So you go to the bank to cash your paycheck and the line is long.  Turns out you wasted a whole week standing in line and not accomplishing anything – the bank closed before you got there.  My Father took Mom’s paycheck to the bank while Mom was at work – but Mom didn’t sign the cheque so Dad couldn’t cash it.  I had a pre-natal checkup and a parent had to come with me – that meant another day Dad couldn’t look for work.  In our first 2 weeks – we didn’t make it to the grocery store once.  The school had a field trip that was $2 for each child.  Our parents couldn’t afford the fieldtrip so we had to tell our teacher that we didn’t have the money for extras.  One week, I got kicked out of school for fighting – this actually helped our family a little bit – I was able to stand in line at the grocery store for food for us that week while my parents did other things (had one of my brothers been kicked out of school, I might have had to stay home with them as a sitter, or worse, one of parents would have had to stay home!).  But that was 2 transportation tickets as I had to take my brother with me (one of my brothers didn’t show up for the simulation but he was still in our scenario) because he is too young to spend the day at home alone.  One week at school my brother had an allergic reaction, which again meant standing in line at the clinic for one of our parents.  Groceries were $110 a week.  I brought $90 to the grocery store and they suggested I go see if Social Assistance can help me since I am expecting.  I go home and ask for another transportation ticket from my Mom to go to Social Services.  While I am filling out my application, they close.  The lady took pity on my condition and gave me $100 in food vouchers, but I had to go back (with another transportation ticket) to complete my file.  Turns out I wasn’t eligible for anything because my Mom works and Dad’s EI ran out.  I got another transportation ticket from Mom and took our vouchers to the grocery store, but it closed before I got in.  Two wasted transportation tickets for me that day!

As a child in this scenario, I didn’t have as much stress as my parents but my life was still stressed.  I needed food to keep my baby healthy.  The health clinic told me I wasn’t eating enough fruits and vegetables.  Health appointments took me out of school and I plan to go to college!  I had to beg my parents for money they didn’t have.  I had to explain to my class that I didn’t want to go on the stupid field trip when really it was that we couldn’t afford it.  I knew it was harder on my two brothers to tell their friends they couldn’t go than it was for me.  It felt like my father wasn’t doing enough to try to get a job.  One day after school, I got a letter saying our gas was being cut off.  Another day I got an evictions notice!  While Mom did pay the mortgage, she was late and we got evicted anyways!  We didn’t have enough food in general; thankfully the school had a breakfast program which my brothers and I ate at.  And to top it all off, there was no family time.  My parents were both stressed to the max.  When we came home from school and handed them a note from the teachers (for field trips, for fighting etc.) they would sigh and throw the paper aside.  Every time my brothers or I had to go somewhere, Dad lost out on paying bills or looking for work.  In fact, in the entire month, Dad did not make it to the Employment Centre to look for work.  Whenever we saw Mom, she was muttering and doing math in her head.  You could see the stress on her face every time we needed money.

So, what challenges did my family face in our month in poverty?  Lack of affordable childcare.  Teen pregnancy.  The Health care system.  Lack of food.  Parental stress. Eviction. Transportation. Navigating the system. Lack of time for anything but necessities.  One paycheck way below the minimum standard of living.  School.

What feelings did my family experience? Stress.  Isolation. Annoyance.  Lost.  Exploited. Humility. Panic. Vulnerability.  Overwhelmed.  Anger.

What impacted the family the most?  Mom was at work for most of the week, and by the time she was able to get to any agency/bank/supermarket they were closing for the day.  There were long lines at all agencies, causing us to waste whole days waiting for services.  The agencies were understaffed, and were frustrated by the long lines and their inability to help.  Everyone was cranky.  We felt like we were treated unfairly, often feeling demeaned and undervalued as a person.  In desperation, Dad tried selling drugs!

Desperation led many to stealing or a life of crime.  We felt like the world was against us and that there was no correct information available for the family.  With mom working, she was never able to get to an agency which put the pressure on Dad – but Dad also had to take us to the health clinic and try to find a job!  There was a sense of complete chaos within each family unit.  We were all overwhelmed by the things going on in our lives and the amount that we had to do.  There was so much stress within the family unit and it transferred to everyone we dealt with.  We felt that the situation was relentless and a sense of hopelessness came over us.  How long could we go like this? How long can we keep it up?  Were my brothers and I going to be put into care because our parents couldn’t feed us, because we were evicted?  We were in survival mode and didn’t care who we hurt or what ends we had to reach.

The agency staff said that they started out trying to get to know everyone that came through but with the long lines, people quickly became faceless.  We talked about agencies being important people in the lives of many of their clients who do not have a support system outside of the agencies.

The biggest things the group talked about were that the agencies were not as accessible as we needed them to be.  Transportation is always a problem.  There are untapped resources within the community – in the simulation some of the agencies that could have helped certain families said those families never made it to see them.  Were the families unaware, was there just no time?  The agencies said they felt like they asked degrading questions only to have to turn the clients away. 

As the event wrapped up, I heard some people talking.  “Maybe we can be less stingy with bus tickets” I heard.  What a great way to get people talking, and to get people involved in a horrendous situation which is all too prevalent in today’s society.  People need to know that stereotypes are wrong (almost always) and that people struggle and do the best they can.  Maybe some give up, but most are working their asses off for something we will hopefully never have to experience.  What a great way to spend my afternoon, learning about something that I think I know but have never experienced!