A Faith Based Essay?

I was asked tonight, if I were to write an essay about my faith, what would it say? (One of the biggest supports for homeless in this city is a faith-based mission, and asked for a letter of your faith with your application, so I haven’t applied at all).

So, I thought about it.

I didn’t grow up in the church, and accepted all the atheism that is rampant in our society for a long time.  When things happened that there is no explanation for beyond that it is a miracle, I was willing to admit there was a higher power, but I have always been reluctant to name it.  My theory was that who was I to claim one higher being as the higher being against all other believes.  But, I remain feeling lost in life, like I am missing something important.  I find myself drawn to Aboriginal beliefs about Creation more than I do about Jesus saving the world 2000 plus years ago.  Nature has always calmed my soul.  Nature is far more related to Creation than it is God, in my world.  I like that Creation asks you to give yourself up to the world and you will learn.  From my understanding, Christianity requires you to read a book and pray.  The answers do not come from with inside of you, but from God.  Maybe Creation works closer to my belief that I have to fix myself on my own.  Maybe, I have no idea.

There are events in my life that have proved to me that a higher power exists. 

The day Erin and I went off the highway at a pretty decent speed.  How we felt the car start to flip, and how it calmly settled down without harming either of us.  We will both tell you that it felt like the car was placed gently down.  Sure, the snow bank on the side of the car was high, but we were both sure we were going to flip.  I believe someone was watching us, and it wasn’t our time to die, or to be hurt.

Agogo was limp in my arms.  He had been practically comatose all day.  His fever was high.  We were on the second round of malaria meds.  He wasn’t responding.  His eyes didn’t recognize anything.  He hadn’t eaten in two days.  I know I know nothing about medicine, or malaria but I could feel him slipping away in my arms.  I went home and prayed with everything I had.  Agogo had to get better. I couldn’t lose him with all the other heartbreak I was currently going through.  I sobbed and prayed until I fell asleep in exhaustion.  The next morning at bath time, Agogo had some life in him.  By the end of the day, he was our Agogo again.

On a less extreme note, my heart was broken and I could barely function.  I was dejected and wanted to cry my life away. I went to the orphanage because I was expected, but those faces broke my heart again.  My boy, a mischievous boy always into trouble, took my hand and we spent a quiet morning together.  He showed me more love in that morning that I have ever felt in my life.  Although it would take many more months for me to heal, he reminded me of all the good in my life and how much he loved me anyways.

A part of me always wanted to explain these things away as coincidence.  Agogo’s med’s started working.  Desmond just saw how sad I was and wanted to help in the only way he knew how.  Or, God was working in my life when I needed him the most.

My major life choices have always been easy; they always felt like it was the only choice for me.  God has a plan for everyone.  I always knew where I was supposed to go and where I was supposed to be.  I went away on a mental breakdown, and knew that Africa was the place for me.  Ghana helped me grow in so many ways and set me on another journey.  In China, when I desperately needed help, Erin started a Worship night.  At first I went out of curiosity, but it became one night a week where I felt like I fit in.  I liked the way Erin could decipher the Bible and make it so real.  I liked that it was the one time I felt like I could be vulnerable and share my fears and struggles.  I liked that it was one night a week I felt like I could fit in with the others.  This worship time was one of the things I missed most about China.  I have not yet found a fit like that back in Canada.  Erin found a church for me in Prince George, and I liked it, but it was hard to get to and I didn’t go a lot.  I enjoyed the church, but never met anyone in it.  So when I moved to Kamloops (another easy decision for me), I was excited to find Summit Drive.  This church has a large young adult population, and several of my classmates also attend.  I still struggle with attending services though.  Sometimes I find the small talk hard.  But, I am still working on it.

Sometimes I wonder if finding faith would benefit me.  I feel at a standstill in my healing journey.  I don’t feel like dealing with some of the stuff (I know I need to, but I feel stuck in it – I don’t know – I guess I feel  counseled out right now).  A woman spoke tonight at Young Adults.  She told her story – one of abuse and neglect.  Her story in a lot of ways was me (not the abuse and neglect but what arose from it).  She spoke of depression, anxiety, self-hatred, no confidence, and an inability to trust anyone, including God.  Does that sound like anyone we know?  She spoke of how God wouldn’t let her kill herself although she tried three times.  She spoke about learning to trust God and how now when the negative thoughts come in, she can tell them where to go.  I wonder if it is possible to heal without faith in the higher beings.  I want to be able to do that.

Maybe I am stuck in my own beliefs.  I am a little bit of an oddball after all!  I like taking my beliefs from various religions and various lifestyles.  But, I don’t really know enough about any of them to know what I want or what I believe.  I grew up with Christian ideals even if I didn’t grow up with Christianity.  However, I kind of think that what is called Christian values should often be human values – love thy neighbor, don’t steal, don’t cheat, help those in need etc.

How does one even become a Christian?

Guess I probably shouldn’t apply at the mission; this isn’t a faith essay but a questioning essay!  Maybe if I have time this summer, I will try to talk to Pastor Dave more often and see if there are more answers to these questions!