October 22, 2011
I’ve been fighting off memories of Travis and the pain that I associate with him. I don’t know why he flooded me so much, but I have figured out a couple of things.
I have had nightmares all week. Like my slasher dreams that I had for a long time, these dreams do not wake me up in a cold sweat, or make my heart pound. I accept the dream calmly. I complained to Paul that I hadn’t been sleeping well, having nightmares, when he asked why I was so tired. He asked if they were reoccurring. I said no, but then I thought about it a little. In every dream, someone was chasing me, trying to hurt me in some way. In one, a murderer was chasing me, in one the evil do-er was trying to convince me to walk on ice I could break with a finger. With the “peer pressure” of Evil asking me to step on ice I knew to be dangerous, I hesitated, but started to take a step when I woke up.
I started two courses this week. One course is called Goodbye to Shy and the other Get Assertive! Both courses are speaking to me directly, as I knew they would. I am taking pieces out of each lesson, highlighting the “me” in them and knowing where I need to work. With these two external courses talking sense into me, and the knowledge I already possess, things started to become clearer. I have long believed that when things are wrong in our lives, our body tries to tell us. The self- help book I read (and then ignored) to deal with my Travis-Dennis problem told me that you could prevent cancer by just listening to your body. Every ache and pain came from within and was your body telling you that something was wrong in your life. I had a little bit of trouble with this section, but parts of it made sense.
With Travis unknowingly torturing me from afar, the dreams started. A figure wanted me hurt. A figure wanted me to hurt myself in a way that seemed like they were to blame. That finger beckoning me onto the ice couldn’t physically hurt me, but making the decision to move would. These are my memories, and my perceived pain at the memories. Sure, Travis helped create the memories, but the memories can only be mine: they are in my head and under my control. What I choose to do with these memories is up to me. I can let “Travis” beckon me onto thin ice and help me lose control, or I can change my perspective and move on with my life. I am choosing to walk away from that hand and the thin ice it represents. I know this is not an overnight process. Today, I don’t give my hand to “Travis”; tomorrow, I can take a step back from the edge.
One of my courses asked me who benefits from me being shy or passive, and who suffers. The Devil benefits when I can’t change my ways; everyone I love suffers. I got to thinking. I wondered why I felt so happy and at peace with John, a kind of happiness I have never felt before. Although I am still ridiculously hard on myself, I have ultimately learned to love myself. I have taken huge steps in being who I want to be, and I have been open to the experiences and have allowed myself to change. I went from a dreamless bum, drifting through life, accepting that I deserved pain to a girl full of dreams all of my own. I make the things I want happen: I am in China because I decided to be an ESL teacher and went about doing it. I am still in China because I want to learn how to be better at what I do. I feel like the truly painful part of my life is ending. I love myself and that means that others can start to fully love me as well. I remember, in all my previous relationships, I was terrified that if I made a wrong move, they would leave me. I strove to be the girl the man wanted me to be, not who I wanted to be. Everything was desperate: I was desperately in love, I was desperate for his attention, and I was terrified of him leaving because he made me whole. What lies I told myself! I realized last night that everything is different with John. Although the Devil pokes his ugly head into my thoughts more than I would like, I have the power to deny him now. I started dating John as a whole person. I wasn’t looking for someone to fill a void in my life, to love me as I couldn’t love myself. I was whole and I was happy; I was living my dream. I am with John because John and I are good together. John has really seen me through some of my worst times. I have cried on him about the hurt others have caused. He loves me anyways. He knew that going in, and loves me anyways. He is able to love me completely, because I love myself. I was whole. I didn’t need John to fix anything; I didn’t want him to be anything he wasn’t. He also didn’t want me to be anything I wasn’t. We always say that when we date, but when we are not whole, we do want things to be fixed by being in the relationship. I never really understood that before. John and I aren’t desperate. Things fit into place. We are very calmly doing a year long distance because we know that talking as often as we do, we are going to be fine. Yes, sometimes I am still terrified he is going to leave me, but he never actually gives me the impression he will. That’s the Devil rearing his ugly head again.
Today I choose to believe in happiness, true happiness. The Devil isn’t leaving me alone yet, but I am making my choice. I am choosing not to look backwards. I am choosing not to walk on the think ice (what a great metaphor my dream came up with!). My life is about me, and my future. I choose to let go of the pain and move on with my life. I choose to be happy. Yes, the memories of Travis will continue. With each memory I have, I chose to forgive myself for letting the pain into my life. I chose to forgive Travis for the pain I let him bring me. I chose to forgive the past and honour the future.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
A Religious Exploration
October 14, 2011
We talked religion yesterday, Christianity to be exact. Where in the past I have felt the desire to walk away from the conversation (like many of us did yesterday), I settled in for the chat. None of the teachers here would actually be able to force religion on someone, so I figured it might be worth it. We all come off as unlikely candidates for believing let alone preaching.
I believe that there is a high power in our lives, and although I call it “God” I have never been sure of the biblical aspects of Christianity. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that every person that enters your life has a purpose. When things are bad, look for the lesson you learned, or the ways in which you are growing. When people hurt you, remember how they changed you and how you are a better person for it. I believe that people have the power to change into exactly who they want to be, and that person is typically who we are meant to be, according to God. If I am happy and at peace with my life and who I am, then I believe that the higher power and myself are working together in life. When I am not at peace, I ask for help to find my way back to the happy equilibrium I need in my life. I know that these things will not just happen; I know that personal work is required. I believe that if you need a friendly presence, you just have to ask. Somehow, your pain and loneliness is lessoned and although you are still “alone” you feel a little better. Sometimes, you might not notice it, but think back about those lonely nights where you cried yourself to sleep. When you woke up, you felt renewed and able to continue. Maybe a friend calls you in the morning and you have a good day with them. There is always an answer, of some sort.
There have been times in my life where after begging for help from God, I have felt a peace flow through me. Just last night, as I cried in a TV show induced loneliness, I asked for strength to continue, to do what I am here doing. Nothing changed in my situation except that my tears dried up and positive thoughts of my life and accomplishments flowed into my mind. I have felt other things when God has helped. Christmas 2008 when Erin and I landed in the ditch on the Coke at – 30 I knew God was with us. We both felt the car try to flip, we felt it go into the air, and almost as if it never happened, the car settled into a gentle stop. Erin and I walked away without a scratch when the witness thought for sure we must be dead. That wasn’t luck; that was God. When my life was spinning out of control later that year, I begged for help to take me out of the rut I had dug for myself. The answer came very clearly to me. You all questioned my sanity when I dropped out of the job competition, for a job which only a week ago I desperately wanted. But, God had given me the answer to my problems. I needed to go to Africa. Without a lot of research, I decided on a company and a country to visit. I didn’t question it; it felt right. I landed in an orphanage which changed everything in my life, and I believe made me a better person. I learned to love unselfishly. I learned to love for those children, and those children loved me back in return. For the first time outside of my family, I was loved unconditionally. I felt true love. It came from 30 different people, but it was true, unconditional and peaceful. Now I was able to learn to love myself for the first time. One must have this kind of love in order to love them, and this love is a treasure when found. When Agogo was so sick, I prayed. I asked for help, I asked for answers. I promised anything I was capable of in exchange for Agogo’s health. I fell asleep that night frantically praying for Agogo. I woke up at peace with answers. Agogo improved. I don’t remember now what the answers were, but I know that it all got better. To many of you, my life is directionless. I can’t explain and therefore you don’t understand; I am gently nudged in the direction where I need to be. I can’t fight it. It is what I must do. Dreams appeared in my life. Decisions which seem hard became easy. And when my dreams contradicted each other, an answer once again became clear to me. China isn’t what I wanted it to be for me. What I want for me, and what I feel is the right answer, is in Vanderhoof. Now, don’t take that in the wrong way. China is helping me; I am growing from my experiences and challenges. Because I feel a little lost, I am asking for help again: help in finding my purpose in being here, because I know God has one. It is up to me to ask him to show it to me, and to live up to it when it becomes clear.
In our conversation last night, Erin had her Bible in her hand. What she described was basically what I have said above about my own beliefs, but in a clear and concise way. When man and woman (not yet named Adam and Eve) ate from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, they brought emotions in our lives. Before this, God was their friend and they bore no shame. Upon eating from the Tree, they became shameful of their nakedness and their disobedience of God. God separated from them because of this. He created rules. Humans were to know good and evil, and feel the corresponding emotions. When Jesus came along, God believed him to be perfect. Jesus sinned; Jesus hung out with the “real people” of society – those that were not overtly religious. We know that his lover was a prostitute. Jesus preformed miracles. In the Bible, there is always proof that someone else also performed the same miracle either before or after Jesus. This makes Jesus a regular person. God made him perfect, and he sinned and his miracles were not his alone. Erin suggests this means that we can all be like Jesus – God made us in his own image as he made Jesus. God made us each perfect for ourselves. The Bible says that Jesus questioned God before turning himself in to die on the cross, but in the end, said “It’s your will God” and did it. Erin follows Jesus, not the later preaching’s of Paul, which I understand now are what most churches follow. Jesus gave his life into God’s hands. In this reading (which I like), if Jesus had not gone to the cross, he would have disobeyed God’s will and therefore committed the only true sin. Erin takes this as that each of us has our own set of sins with God. Just because God tells me to do something, doesn’t make it a sin for you if you don’t stop. Let’s use something that I know most of you question in me: my refusal to drink even though I am not sure it’s a valid argument here. God told me not to drink, and I obeyed. God did not tell you not to drink. If I began drinking, it would be a direct refusal of God’s will and I would be a sinner. Because God did not tell you the same thing he told me, you are not a sinner by drinking.
This is where this really spoke to me. I don’t care about sinners, but when I feel strongly that I need to do something, I do it. I don’t always have reasons behind my decisions. This is true for my non-drinking. I don’t like the smell of alcohol, and I felt it destroyed my family. I didn’t even think about drinking until college (and even then, that’s just when drinking became a part of my friends’ lives) and it had no appeal to me at all. I never heard him, but God told me not to drink and because I trust God, I have not broken this request of me. My trips to Africa and even to China are the same – God told me I needed to be here, so here I am. To me, there was never a choice, I had to do it. Believing as I do that everything happens for a reason (or that God has created me for a specific purpose), there is no point fighting the desires within me. I know that I would have been miserable had I not followed through. Shame: shame from ignoring God.
Interesting isn’t it?
Erin has a church she attends at home, which works along these principals. I don’t think I need a church, as it is hard to find a church which practices the forgiving God and the one on one personal relationship with God, but it was reassuring to me to hear that others think about the same way. It was reassuring to me to hear, with the Bible to back it up, that I am not off base, and that calling my spiritual power “God” is not sacrilegious. This also reaffirmed to me that all religions are the same. We strive to please God, and he talks to us and tells us what we need to do. We shouldn’t judge others, and merely do our own best to live the life God created us for.
I feel like I am following God’s plan. Are you?
We talked religion yesterday, Christianity to be exact. Where in the past I have felt the desire to walk away from the conversation (like many of us did yesterday), I settled in for the chat. None of the teachers here would actually be able to force religion on someone, so I figured it might be worth it. We all come off as unlikely candidates for believing let alone preaching.
I believe that there is a high power in our lives, and although I call it “God” I have never been sure of the biblical aspects of Christianity. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that every person that enters your life has a purpose. When things are bad, look for the lesson you learned, or the ways in which you are growing. When people hurt you, remember how they changed you and how you are a better person for it. I believe that people have the power to change into exactly who they want to be, and that person is typically who we are meant to be, according to God. If I am happy and at peace with my life and who I am, then I believe that the higher power and myself are working together in life. When I am not at peace, I ask for help to find my way back to the happy equilibrium I need in my life. I know that these things will not just happen; I know that personal work is required. I believe that if you need a friendly presence, you just have to ask. Somehow, your pain and loneliness is lessoned and although you are still “alone” you feel a little better. Sometimes, you might not notice it, but think back about those lonely nights where you cried yourself to sleep. When you woke up, you felt renewed and able to continue. Maybe a friend calls you in the morning and you have a good day with them. There is always an answer, of some sort.
There have been times in my life where after begging for help from God, I have felt a peace flow through me. Just last night, as I cried in a TV show induced loneliness, I asked for strength to continue, to do what I am here doing. Nothing changed in my situation except that my tears dried up and positive thoughts of my life and accomplishments flowed into my mind. I have felt other things when God has helped. Christmas 2008 when Erin and I landed in the ditch on the Coke at – 30 I knew God was with us. We both felt the car try to flip, we felt it go into the air, and almost as if it never happened, the car settled into a gentle stop. Erin and I walked away without a scratch when the witness thought for sure we must be dead. That wasn’t luck; that was God. When my life was spinning out of control later that year, I begged for help to take me out of the rut I had dug for myself. The answer came very clearly to me. You all questioned my sanity when I dropped out of the job competition, for a job which only a week ago I desperately wanted. But, God had given me the answer to my problems. I needed to go to Africa. Without a lot of research, I decided on a company and a country to visit. I didn’t question it; it felt right. I landed in an orphanage which changed everything in my life, and I believe made me a better person. I learned to love unselfishly. I learned to love for those children, and those children loved me back in return. For the first time outside of my family, I was loved unconditionally. I felt true love. It came from 30 different people, but it was true, unconditional and peaceful. Now I was able to learn to love myself for the first time. One must have this kind of love in order to love them, and this love is a treasure when found. When Agogo was so sick, I prayed. I asked for help, I asked for answers. I promised anything I was capable of in exchange for Agogo’s health. I fell asleep that night frantically praying for Agogo. I woke up at peace with answers. Agogo improved. I don’t remember now what the answers were, but I know that it all got better. To many of you, my life is directionless. I can’t explain and therefore you don’t understand; I am gently nudged in the direction where I need to be. I can’t fight it. It is what I must do. Dreams appeared in my life. Decisions which seem hard became easy. And when my dreams contradicted each other, an answer once again became clear to me. China isn’t what I wanted it to be for me. What I want for me, and what I feel is the right answer, is in Vanderhoof. Now, don’t take that in the wrong way. China is helping me; I am growing from my experiences and challenges. Because I feel a little lost, I am asking for help again: help in finding my purpose in being here, because I know God has one. It is up to me to ask him to show it to me, and to live up to it when it becomes clear.
In our conversation last night, Erin had her Bible in her hand. What she described was basically what I have said above about my own beliefs, but in a clear and concise way. When man and woman (not yet named Adam and Eve) ate from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, they brought emotions in our lives. Before this, God was their friend and they bore no shame. Upon eating from the Tree, they became shameful of their nakedness and their disobedience of God. God separated from them because of this. He created rules. Humans were to know good and evil, and feel the corresponding emotions. When Jesus came along, God believed him to be perfect. Jesus sinned; Jesus hung out with the “real people” of society – those that were not overtly religious. We know that his lover was a prostitute. Jesus preformed miracles. In the Bible, there is always proof that someone else also performed the same miracle either before or after Jesus. This makes Jesus a regular person. God made him perfect, and he sinned and his miracles were not his alone. Erin suggests this means that we can all be like Jesus – God made us in his own image as he made Jesus. God made us each perfect for ourselves. The Bible says that Jesus questioned God before turning himself in to die on the cross, but in the end, said “It’s your will God” and did it. Erin follows Jesus, not the later preaching’s of Paul, which I understand now are what most churches follow. Jesus gave his life into God’s hands. In this reading (which I like), if Jesus had not gone to the cross, he would have disobeyed God’s will and therefore committed the only true sin. Erin takes this as that each of us has our own set of sins with God. Just because God tells me to do something, doesn’t make it a sin for you if you don’t stop. Let’s use something that I know most of you question in me: my refusal to drink even though I am not sure it’s a valid argument here. God told me not to drink, and I obeyed. God did not tell you not to drink. If I began drinking, it would be a direct refusal of God’s will and I would be a sinner. Because God did not tell you the same thing he told me, you are not a sinner by drinking.
This is where this really spoke to me. I don’t care about sinners, but when I feel strongly that I need to do something, I do it. I don’t always have reasons behind my decisions. This is true for my non-drinking. I don’t like the smell of alcohol, and I felt it destroyed my family. I didn’t even think about drinking until college (and even then, that’s just when drinking became a part of my friends’ lives) and it had no appeal to me at all. I never heard him, but God told me not to drink and because I trust God, I have not broken this request of me. My trips to Africa and even to China are the same – God told me I needed to be here, so here I am. To me, there was never a choice, I had to do it. Believing as I do that everything happens for a reason (or that God has created me for a specific purpose), there is no point fighting the desires within me. I know that I would have been miserable had I not followed through. Shame: shame from ignoring God.
Interesting isn’t it?
Erin has a church she attends at home, which works along these principals. I don’t think I need a church, as it is hard to find a church which practices the forgiving God and the one on one personal relationship with God, but it was reassuring to me to hear that others think about the same way. It was reassuring to me to hear, with the Bible to back it up, that I am not off base, and that calling my spiritual power “God” is not sacrilegious. This also reaffirmed to me that all religions are the same. We strive to please God, and he talks to us and tells us what we need to do. We shouldn’t judge others, and merely do our own best to live the life God created us for.
I feel like I am following God’s plan. Are you?
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Alone
Alone.
I have spent my whole life on the edges
Never quiet fitting in
Sometimes I try
But I still make the edges
Many hours have passed
Where I have pondered deep
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I not fun to be around?
Sometimes it upsets me
That I can never fit in
And sometimes, there is so much peace
In being around myself
I hear laughter around me
I don’t know the joke
Even though I am right there
It wasn’t said to me
I think back, over my life
Sitting alone at the lake
A book in my lap
Sitting alone in school
Working up the courage to talk
Standing alone outside
Trying to breathe fresh air
Sitting alone in life
Enjoying and crying together
Why am I always alone?
And why does it bother me so
When I consciously choose to do it?
I have spent my whole life on the edges
Never quiet fitting in
Sometimes I try
But I still make the edges
Many hours have passed
Where I have pondered deep
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I not fun to be around?
Sometimes it upsets me
That I can never fit in
And sometimes, there is so much peace
In being around myself
I hear laughter around me
I don’t know the joke
Even though I am right there
It wasn’t said to me
I think back, over my life
Sitting alone at the lake
A book in my lap
Sitting alone in school
Working up the courage to talk
Standing alone outside
Trying to breathe fresh air
Sitting alone in life
Enjoying and crying together
Why am I always alone?
And why does it bother me so
When I consciously choose to do it?
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Safe and Sound in Shanghai
July 6th, 2011. San Francisco Airport
18 hours into the trip and I am exhausted. I napped from 1130 until 2 last night at Erin’s house, napped a tiny bit on the two hour flight to San Francisco, and slept maybe an hour in the airport while on my long layover. The dork ahead of me on the flight from Vancouver put her seat fully back making it so I had to put my seat back to be able to breath. I hate people who do that! I always only recline mine a little because I hate it so much!
Air Canada behaved themselves and didn’t lose any of the 12 people on my flight from PG’s luggage. I was very impressed with their behavior! We even arrived on time. John’s Mom and sister came to the airport to say goodbye to me. It was so sweet of them! Besides my ride, no one has ever seen me off at the airport before! Erin met me at the airport and as soon as we got back to her place I said goodnight. 2 am really isn’t a good time to wake up!
I don’t know why airports insist you are there 3 hours early for an international flight. Erin and I arrived at the airport at about 315 for my 6 am flight. No United representatives were on hand. They arrived at about 330. We get through them, and the baggage people aren’t at work yet. So, we all stand in another line to be able to put our bags on the conveyor belt. Finally a man shows up for work and we move our baggage away. Security was there and I went through fast and problem free. Next up, customs where again, no one is at work yet. This line ended up super long before we started moving. I was glad to be near the front of all of them. Now that we are through security and everything, it’s time to start looking for food before the plane departs. Starbucks is the only place open as we start coming through. Pretty much everyone who was on time for San Francisco ended up at Starbucks because we were hungry and needing our caffeine. Other places were in the process of opening. That’s the worst thing about 6 am flights. It’s almost impossible to get food! And with it being a two hour flight, United did a snack bar where you pay for snacks, but they did give me a full can of apple juice so that was nice.
So far, things are pretty uneventful. I was going to post this for you so you know I am still alive, but it seems that my computer does not want to connect to the Free Wi-Fi at the airport. I still have 2 hours to go before my flight, and my e-reader didn’t charge fully – guess when my laptop shuts off it can’t charge (obviously) so it doesn’t have much life left on it either….. Failure! Guess I will be watching TV and sleeping for the next 16 hour flight! I can see a plug in, I could charge it, but we packed the cord in a random bag that is lost in this massive airport not where near me!
The custom person I had in Vancouver asked where I was going, and fearing that “to China” would sound like as much of a joke to him as it does to me (I think it’s all those I’m digging to China comments we get as kids), I answered with Shanghai. It was 5 am and he didn’t look amused. He wanted to know all about what I was doing in China – is that curiosity or his right to know? I never know with customs, and just answer them! Better to give away information than to be stopped for being difficult I guess!
So, until I get to Shanghai, so long!
July 7, 2011 Shanghai
Here I am! Shanghai at long last! I swear the flight took extra-long, but it appears we arrived a couple of minutes early. Maybe it just seemed like forever because the on-flight entertainment was all in Chinese with Chinese subtitles (although the man next to me who was Indian appeared to be listening to them… I couldn’t find the channel!). I napped a bunch but time didn’t seem to be napping away! I picked up a cold somewhere along the way today, so I have a sore throat and am a little stuffy, but mostly just feel like I might be sick. How lame is that! I read until my e-reader told me it couldn’t read anymore – I might have to have a quick gander to see if I can find my chargers, and the proper plug ins! Tomorrow though, I am going to bed really early for the Chinese and really late for me! Right now, it’s approaching 5 am in Canada and I have been on the go for 27 hours even though I napped a lot! This flight came with two full meals and a snack which was really nice. My kind neighbor even took a snack for me when I slept through snack time! It was nice to wake up to a banana and a muffin waiting for me! I also miscalculated when we should be in (they said 10 hours and to me, that meant 10 pm….. and I think it was more like 10 hours 59 minutes lol). Sadly, it’s really cloudy out today and I didn’t get to see much on the way into Shanghai from the air.
I should have peed before I left the plane! I have always just snuck into a bathroom in the terminal to clean up a little and relieve myself before customs, but I had some trouble finding toilets that weren’t miles out of the way. Immigration was a really long line, but it went very smoothly. All three of my bags came in a row again. I lost a rainbow strap in the last 24 hours, but it was on the very noticeable suitcase, so that was fine. I put my big backpack into a bag in Vancouver and I will be throwing the bag out before I try to move the silly thing again since it is just falling out in numerous places! There was no one in customs; we all just walked right on through. Then came the line of people collecting other people. I looked for my name even though I wasn’t expecting to see it. I came out of the line and was wondering where I might find a payphone (and if there would be English instructions on the payphone when I did find it) and a man asked if he could help me. I said I was supposed to call my hotel when I got here for a ride. He took my papers from me and said come to my booth. I followed (wondering how much this would cost me – in Ghana, I would be paying for him to talk to me let alone help me!) and he dialed and gave me the phone. The girl spoke to me in English (maybe calling at 3 am wasn’t my best idea last week) and told me where to go to meet the driver. He was there in about half an hour.
My first impressions of Shanghai are that it is a beautiful city. I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t expecting construction like at home, but there it is. I pictured far more traffic (maybe it’s because it was 7 pm on a Thursday?) like in Accra, but we just moseyed our way here. The driving reminds me of Accra though! There was another girl coming to the hotel tonight too (she has been here a while but is Canadian) and I let her have the front seat because I was smaller than her for the luggage filled backseat. She was like “oh sure, make me watch my death come” and I laughed. Maybe it was that there is less traffic tonight, but death was more certain in Accra! I should be pretty adjusted to the time zone tomorrow and I plan to go for a walk, or on a tour or something the hotel offers. I didn’t talk to them about it tonight though, I just wanted to rest!
I am going to go have a cold shower and crawl into my king sized bed and sleep the night away! I love you Canada (and England…) and hope life is going well so far without me! Congratulations, you have survived day one! :P Love you and hope to hear from you all soon!
18 hours into the trip and I am exhausted. I napped from 1130 until 2 last night at Erin’s house, napped a tiny bit on the two hour flight to San Francisco, and slept maybe an hour in the airport while on my long layover. The dork ahead of me on the flight from Vancouver put her seat fully back making it so I had to put my seat back to be able to breath. I hate people who do that! I always only recline mine a little because I hate it so much!
Air Canada behaved themselves and didn’t lose any of the 12 people on my flight from PG’s luggage. I was very impressed with their behavior! We even arrived on time. John’s Mom and sister came to the airport to say goodbye to me. It was so sweet of them! Besides my ride, no one has ever seen me off at the airport before! Erin met me at the airport and as soon as we got back to her place I said goodnight. 2 am really isn’t a good time to wake up!
I don’t know why airports insist you are there 3 hours early for an international flight. Erin and I arrived at the airport at about 315 for my 6 am flight. No United representatives were on hand. They arrived at about 330. We get through them, and the baggage people aren’t at work yet. So, we all stand in another line to be able to put our bags on the conveyor belt. Finally a man shows up for work and we move our baggage away. Security was there and I went through fast and problem free. Next up, customs where again, no one is at work yet. This line ended up super long before we started moving. I was glad to be near the front of all of them. Now that we are through security and everything, it’s time to start looking for food before the plane departs. Starbucks is the only place open as we start coming through. Pretty much everyone who was on time for San Francisco ended up at Starbucks because we were hungry and needing our caffeine. Other places were in the process of opening. That’s the worst thing about 6 am flights. It’s almost impossible to get food! And with it being a two hour flight, United did a snack bar where you pay for snacks, but they did give me a full can of apple juice so that was nice.
So far, things are pretty uneventful. I was going to post this for you so you know I am still alive, but it seems that my computer does not want to connect to the Free Wi-Fi at the airport. I still have 2 hours to go before my flight, and my e-reader didn’t charge fully – guess when my laptop shuts off it can’t charge (obviously) so it doesn’t have much life left on it either….. Failure! Guess I will be watching TV and sleeping for the next 16 hour flight! I can see a plug in, I could charge it, but we packed the cord in a random bag that is lost in this massive airport not where near me!
The custom person I had in Vancouver asked where I was going, and fearing that “to China” would sound like as much of a joke to him as it does to me (I think it’s all those I’m digging to China comments we get as kids), I answered with Shanghai. It was 5 am and he didn’t look amused. He wanted to know all about what I was doing in China – is that curiosity or his right to know? I never know with customs, and just answer them! Better to give away information than to be stopped for being difficult I guess!
So, until I get to Shanghai, so long!
July 7, 2011 Shanghai
Here I am! Shanghai at long last! I swear the flight took extra-long, but it appears we arrived a couple of minutes early. Maybe it just seemed like forever because the on-flight entertainment was all in Chinese with Chinese subtitles (although the man next to me who was Indian appeared to be listening to them… I couldn’t find the channel!). I napped a bunch but time didn’t seem to be napping away! I picked up a cold somewhere along the way today, so I have a sore throat and am a little stuffy, but mostly just feel like I might be sick. How lame is that! I read until my e-reader told me it couldn’t read anymore – I might have to have a quick gander to see if I can find my chargers, and the proper plug ins! Tomorrow though, I am going to bed really early for the Chinese and really late for me! Right now, it’s approaching 5 am in Canada and I have been on the go for 27 hours even though I napped a lot! This flight came with two full meals and a snack which was really nice. My kind neighbor even took a snack for me when I slept through snack time! It was nice to wake up to a banana and a muffin waiting for me! I also miscalculated when we should be in (they said 10 hours and to me, that meant 10 pm….. and I think it was more like 10 hours 59 minutes lol). Sadly, it’s really cloudy out today and I didn’t get to see much on the way into Shanghai from the air.
I should have peed before I left the plane! I have always just snuck into a bathroom in the terminal to clean up a little and relieve myself before customs, but I had some trouble finding toilets that weren’t miles out of the way. Immigration was a really long line, but it went very smoothly. All three of my bags came in a row again. I lost a rainbow strap in the last 24 hours, but it was on the very noticeable suitcase, so that was fine. I put my big backpack into a bag in Vancouver and I will be throwing the bag out before I try to move the silly thing again since it is just falling out in numerous places! There was no one in customs; we all just walked right on through. Then came the line of people collecting other people. I looked for my name even though I wasn’t expecting to see it. I came out of the line and was wondering where I might find a payphone (and if there would be English instructions on the payphone when I did find it) and a man asked if he could help me. I said I was supposed to call my hotel when I got here for a ride. He took my papers from me and said come to my booth. I followed (wondering how much this would cost me – in Ghana, I would be paying for him to talk to me let alone help me!) and he dialed and gave me the phone. The girl spoke to me in English (maybe calling at 3 am wasn’t my best idea last week) and told me where to go to meet the driver. He was there in about half an hour.
My first impressions of Shanghai are that it is a beautiful city. I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t expecting construction like at home, but there it is. I pictured far more traffic (maybe it’s because it was 7 pm on a Thursday?) like in Accra, but we just moseyed our way here. The driving reminds me of Accra though! There was another girl coming to the hotel tonight too (she has been here a while but is Canadian) and I let her have the front seat because I was smaller than her for the luggage filled backseat. She was like “oh sure, make me watch my death come” and I laughed. Maybe it was that there is less traffic tonight, but death was more certain in Accra! I should be pretty adjusted to the time zone tomorrow and I plan to go for a walk, or on a tour or something the hotel offers. I didn’t talk to them about it tonight though, I just wanted to rest!
I am going to go have a cold shower and crawl into my king sized bed and sleep the night away! I love you Canada (and England…) and hope life is going well so far without me! Congratulations, you have survived day one! :P Love you and hope to hear from you all soon!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Doubt.
You have left me in pieces
Where I should be whole
You have left me doubting
When I have no reason to doubt
You have left me questioning
When I have no reason to question
And you have left me hurting
Though no one is hurting me anymore.
You have left me hateful
When I am a loving person
You have left me questioning
If my beliefs in humanity are wrong
You have left me doubting
When the man in my life
Leaves me with no doubt at all.
And you still hurt me
You still have power
You still confuse me
You still hurt me.
When he does something
I automatically think
He is trying to hurt me
But that was only you.
He is nothing like you
He actually cares for me
He would never hurt me
He would never cheat on me
He would never do me wrong
Yet whenever he is distant
I doubt his love for me
And all this is because of you
And all you did to me.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
How Dare You.
Who do you think you are?
What do you think you are doing?
Do you think it’s still going to work?
Do you think you are still in control?
How dare you.
How dare you say that to me
After all you have done
Where do you get off
Thinking you still have control
Where do you get off
Having anything to say to me
How dare you
Try to guilt trip me
After all this time
And all the mistakes you made
How dare you
Try to make me feel bad
For being happy without you
How dare you make me feel bad
For what you have done all along.
How dare you.
What were you thinking?
Where do you get off?
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
What a DAY!
What a day. Omg!
Yesterday, as I hope all my Canadian friends know, was our election. I was at the polling station for over 15 hours. The day went quickly even though we didn’t have all that many voters at my station. My partner in crime was an annoying old lady who just wanted to go smoke but wasn’t allowed. Somehow, she managed two cigarette breaks anyways; one by busting into tears that no one was being fair to her, including me. In a way, she was right, and in a way, she was ridiculous. With her sitting beside me, instructions were given (but directed at me) about how to do a certain thing. I did that one, but when I gave her the book and told her that it was actually her job, shit hit the fan. She didn’t know how because no one had talked to her about it. I had bumbled through the one I had done, but it wasn’t part of my job. I am all for helping out, but I was busy doing other things too! Anyways, she broke into tears and was sent to calm down.
Pretty much no one at the location I was at had ever done their job before, which is a great way to start something like this! But when the opportunity comes around once every four years, it’s hard to find trained people! We had three people from candidates that were watching us count the votes, and two of them sat with me. Good times! Eventually we got our votes counted, and had no real errors. Now the closing of the box and everything, which needed my supervisor to sign off everything as well. I finish with 3 other still left to close up. I (obviously) decide to help them as much as possible and get everyone home quickly. I didn’t leave from my 6 am start time, until 9:45 pm. Needless to say, I was exhausted, but on a second or third wind, maybe provided by some coffees and food kindly delivered to me!
I am also housesitting this week for two dogs. I come over here quickly (and ready for bed) and the dogs run out the front door when I open it. Luckily, they are good dogs, and when I said come in, they did. By 10:30 I am in bed. But, elections keep running through my head. I don’t actually get to sleep until about 2 am. 6 am when the dogs are up again comes really early. If I knew what a hangover felt like, I would say I felt hung over. Kick the dogs outside twice and off to work I go. I steal the parking pass from the car that was left behind by the people I am house sitting for on my way to work. I will later discover that this parking pass is expired, and that I have a ticket to pay now. Grr!
At work I get set up with doing things I have done for so long. Tedious work, but work which I am incredibly glad to have, just maybe not so much today. At coffee, I head for switchboard as I have been told I am the coverage. The girl has a doctor’s appointment, so I expect her to be a little late. At 11:30, I decide that I need my coffee break (which should have been 1030-11) so I put the phone on call forward to someone else and go for coffee. The girl on switchboard didn’t come back until after 1 pm (her lunch ended at 1). I have since been told that I can only have a half hour lunch since I have a doctor’s appointment and have to leave early. Fine, whatever, works for me. I grab my coat and keys and head back to the house to let the dogs out. The owners swore that neither of their dogs have ever had an accident in the house. I find dog shit through the hallway and by the door. At least he was going to where he should be let out! Kick the dogs out and clean up the poop, all the while trying to demolish my own lunch. Awesome. Bring the dogs back inside and back to work I go. I work for the next 2 hours and then leave to go to the immunization clinic where I am supposed to be getting any shots I need for China. I have to run home first because in all my planning, I didn’t bring my immunization card with me. Park a mile away from the office because I see a spot and think it might be the last… not even close. Then the clinic people tell me that the one shot I need (which they don’t think I need, but my contract says I do) is one that needs to be preordered. The supplier will only send a minimum $500 order, and that is one more vaccine than I require. Thankfully, I think Mom needs it too, so we can get it in! I will deal with that later in the week. However, the clinic still charged me for their time anyways. I walked out empty handed and $40 broker. The clinic also wants me to get my rabies shot, which doesn’t do a lot of anything; you still need to be treated if you get scratched or bitten! She says it buys you time, and costs at least my arm if not my leg too! Isn’t $350 for Japanese Enciphilitous enough!? Gawd!
I come back to the house and let the dogs out again. Thankfully, I have not found any poop yet. I make the dogs dinner and kick them outside (which is actually where they eat their dinner). As I go to set up my laptop, I notice something blue by the TV which looks out of place. Upon closer inspection, I realize that it is the panties I wore yesterday, torn to pieces. Awesome. Guess 17 hour sweaty panties are tasty. Thankfully, John agreed to come hang out with me here so I don’t have to go anywhere, and the dogs get to keep my amazing company for the night. Hopefully, nobody shits in the house for me! And hopefully, my hangover goes away!
Love you.
Yesterday, as I hope all my Canadian friends know, was our election. I was at the polling station for over 15 hours. The day went quickly even though we didn’t have all that many voters at my station. My partner in crime was an annoying old lady who just wanted to go smoke but wasn’t allowed. Somehow, she managed two cigarette breaks anyways; one by busting into tears that no one was being fair to her, including me. In a way, she was right, and in a way, she was ridiculous. With her sitting beside me, instructions were given (but directed at me) about how to do a certain thing. I did that one, but when I gave her the book and told her that it was actually her job, shit hit the fan. She didn’t know how because no one had talked to her about it. I had bumbled through the one I had done, but it wasn’t part of my job. I am all for helping out, but I was busy doing other things too! Anyways, she broke into tears and was sent to calm down.
Pretty much no one at the location I was at had ever done their job before, which is a great way to start something like this! But when the opportunity comes around once every four years, it’s hard to find trained people! We had three people from candidates that were watching us count the votes, and two of them sat with me. Good times! Eventually we got our votes counted, and had no real errors. Now the closing of the box and everything, which needed my supervisor to sign off everything as well. I finish with 3 other still left to close up. I (obviously) decide to help them as much as possible and get everyone home quickly. I didn’t leave from my 6 am start time, until 9:45 pm. Needless to say, I was exhausted, but on a second or third wind, maybe provided by some coffees and food kindly delivered to me!
I am also housesitting this week for two dogs. I come over here quickly (and ready for bed) and the dogs run out the front door when I open it. Luckily, they are good dogs, and when I said come in, they did. By 10:30 I am in bed. But, elections keep running through my head. I don’t actually get to sleep until about 2 am. 6 am when the dogs are up again comes really early. If I knew what a hangover felt like, I would say I felt hung over. Kick the dogs outside twice and off to work I go. I steal the parking pass from the car that was left behind by the people I am house sitting for on my way to work. I will later discover that this parking pass is expired, and that I have a ticket to pay now. Grr!
At work I get set up with doing things I have done for so long. Tedious work, but work which I am incredibly glad to have, just maybe not so much today. At coffee, I head for switchboard as I have been told I am the coverage. The girl has a doctor’s appointment, so I expect her to be a little late. At 11:30, I decide that I need my coffee break (which should have been 1030-11) so I put the phone on call forward to someone else and go for coffee. The girl on switchboard didn’t come back until after 1 pm (her lunch ended at 1). I have since been told that I can only have a half hour lunch since I have a doctor’s appointment and have to leave early. Fine, whatever, works for me. I grab my coat and keys and head back to the house to let the dogs out. The owners swore that neither of their dogs have ever had an accident in the house. I find dog shit through the hallway and by the door. At least he was going to where he should be let out! Kick the dogs out and clean up the poop, all the while trying to demolish my own lunch. Awesome. Bring the dogs back inside and back to work I go. I work for the next 2 hours and then leave to go to the immunization clinic where I am supposed to be getting any shots I need for China. I have to run home first because in all my planning, I didn’t bring my immunization card with me. Park a mile away from the office because I see a spot and think it might be the last… not even close. Then the clinic people tell me that the one shot I need (which they don’t think I need, but my contract says I do) is one that needs to be preordered. The supplier will only send a minimum $500 order, and that is one more vaccine than I require. Thankfully, I think Mom needs it too, so we can get it in! I will deal with that later in the week. However, the clinic still charged me for their time anyways. I walked out empty handed and $40 broker. The clinic also wants me to get my rabies shot, which doesn’t do a lot of anything; you still need to be treated if you get scratched or bitten! She says it buys you time, and costs at least my arm if not my leg too! Isn’t $350 for Japanese Enciphilitous enough!? Gawd!
I come back to the house and let the dogs out again. Thankfully, I have not found any poop yet. I make the dogs dinner and kick them outside (which is actually where they eat their dinner). As I go to set up my laptop, I notice something blue by the TV which looks out of place. Upon closer inspection, I realize that it is the panties I wore yesterday, torn to pieces. Awesome. Guess 17 hour sweaty panties are tasty. Thankfully, John agreed to come hang out with me here so I don’t have to go anywhere, and the dogs get to keep my amazing company for the night. Hopefully, nobody shits in the house for me! And hopefully, my hangover goes away!
Love you.
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