It always surprises me when your birthday catches me off guard. Today you would be 67. You have been gone for 4 years. But you have really been gone for closer to 20 in my opinion. Today I feel some sadness and some anger and some hurt. I probably always will but I’m tired of being hurt by someone gone. Some of the last coherent words you said to me were that you had stopped being a part of my life to give me room to live it. I’m still confused by these words. You purposely stopped talking to your daughter. Did you know the pain you had caused over the years and wanted me to heal? Did you just get tired of me? Was I not good enough to be a part of your life anymore? Did I do something wrong? I know in my mind that I was not the problem but my heart still feels the pain. All I wanted was to be your special little girl. I wanted to be important to you. I remember very clearly when you stopped calling every week. I remember very clearly you coming and taking my sister away without talking to me. I remember very clearly when I stopped mattering to you. But I don’t know why. And so I kept trying. I called you. I visited you. I found ways without a vehicle to get to your house when you worked in the city I lived in. It was always me. I put in all the effort in the last 15 years of our relationship. And then you decided to “let me live my life” and left me. I remember being denied access to your dying days, your local friends seeing you more than me, after I drove 10 hours after working all night to see you. I remember the pastor at your funeral telling me he was sorry I didn’t know the man everyone else knew. I didn’t know what he meant. Was I not important enough to come up in your dying days? And then I listened to my cousins talk about how you were always there for them and how important you were in their lives. How come they were better than me? Why wasn’t I enough? Why couldn’t you love me?
So I have all these emotions and do you know what? They make me angry. You walked out of me 23 years ago. I was between 10 and 13 when you stopped calling. I was 9 or 10 when you moved my sister to your house. And that was the end. You had one child you didn’t need two? I know how much you and my sister fought. Did that make you decide you didn’t need any? You met my step-mother and forgot about your previous family. Why is it so hard to forget about you? Why does it still hurt 23 years later and 4 years after I said a final goodbye.
Most days, I live my life as I always have. With you a part of who I am, but a distant memory. Some days the memories hurt. I try so hard to only remember the good times but that hurt will always be there. You chose everyone else over me.
I also hate that you can hear the 13 girl in me today.
I pray my husband will always be a better dad than you were. I pray that even if we end up separated, she will always be his number 1. A girl deserves a daddy.
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