The Girl Who Came Home

Back in Canada, back in Prince George, wishing I had never left Ghana. For a friendly nation, I have seen no smiles in the week I have been back, unless they were being paid to be nice to me. I knew there wouldn’t be a homecoming, but the homecoming I got in Ghana kept me hoping it was possible. When I came back to Bawjiase after only a week, everyone made me feel like I had been gone forever and missed more than words. As much as I feel a little disappointed, I also know that I am not ready to face society yet. I am not ready to fit in again. I have to try to fit in here; I have to work on it. Trying to fit in was something I didn’t have to do for the best three months of my life. I was me, and everyone loved me. I want to be me here too, but society doesn’t want that girl. My previous life won’t allow it either, everyone wants me to be who they think I am, and just being here throws me back into that position. There are rules and expectations, and I must conform. I must get a job, but since I have nothing else to do, I guess that’s alright.

In case you didn’t notice, I am struggling with being back in the society in which I was raised. I didn’t want to come home. I came home because I wanted to fix my relationship. But, I was a fool. He really let go of me two months ago, I just thought my presence would change things. I guess that’s the downside to not feeling any depression or anger or other negative emotions while I was in Ghana. I didn’t deal with what my head knew to be true. I never dealt with any situations which arose, I just put it all off until I came home. My heart kept holding on. I came home, happy with everything only to find out I no longer matter to the one person I wanted to matter to. This has not helped me want to be here at all, obviously. With every tear that fills my eyes, I remember how easy it was to forget in Ghana. Curl up with Desmond or one of the other kids, and they would make me know I mattered, that life mattered. Today, I am not so sure. I miss the simplicity of life in Bawjiase. I miss how easily problems disappeared with a heart full of love for children; and 30 hearts filled with love for me. That’s not a feeling I will easily forget, it is however one I will miss for a long time.

I feel that our society is cold and heartless. Money drives everything we do; we are always striving for more – more money, more things. We must always be better than the next guy. What does this do for us? Why do we let money come before love, before life? There is no life when you only want money. Life is about love, and people, and happy moments. In general, we forget about the important things because we think money will solve a problem. I believe love will. Love solved all my problems in Ghana. My worst days were the ones I spent thinking about life once I came home. The best days were when I just let the children love me, and let myself love them. Then it didn’t matter that the man I love no longer loved me. It only mattered that the child I was holding would smile; their smiles always made me smile too. But now I am home. There are no hugs. There are no smiles. I feel a smile light my face. I know it didn’t make it to my eyes, but I know no one noticed. I only smile when I talk about Ghana, about the best three months of my life.

In my disapproval of the society in which we know, I plan to leave it, within the next year. I plan to find a job which allows me to feel true love every day, a job which allows me to help those in need, those that truly appreciate any effort made. I don’t know what the job entails; I don’t know where it will be. I do know that I do not plan on living in this money grabbing, heartless society for longer than I have to. And I want it to be hands on. I want to see those I help; I want to watch them grow. I want to watch them as they help me grow. I know you probably don’t understand, you probably think it’s just‘homesickness’ for Ghana talking. But I know it’s my new dream, my only life direction. This time, I don’t have another dream to be shattered by my new dream. (Although, just so you know, that is a hard way to learn how to dream). Maybe I will collect Desmond and live my life loving him! I will live my life, the way I want to, with no one to hold me back from my dreams, my ambitions. And there will be love. I will be happy. I just cannot be truly happy in this town. Not anymore. If I am honest, I haven’t been happy here in a long time. The only time I can remember being truly happy was my months in Ghana, when I didn’t think about life back here. Funny how in 25 years, that’s the best I can remember for my life.

Sorry. I am depressed and struggling to be here. Thanks for listening ;-)