Alone

Alone.

I have spent my whole life on the edges
Never quiet fitting in
Sometimes I try
But I still make the edges

Many hours have passed
Where I have pondered deep
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I not fun to be around?

Sometimes it upsets me
That I can never fit in
And sometimes, there is so much peace
In being around myself

I hear laughter around me
I don’t know the joke
Even though I am right there
It wasn’t said to me

I think back, over my life
Sitting alone at the lake
A book in my lap
Sitting alone in school
Working up the courage to talk
Standing alone outside
Trying to breathe fresh air
Sitting alone in life
Enjoying and crying together

Why am I always alone?
And why does it bother me so
When I consciously choose to do it?

Safe and Sound in Shanghai

July 6th, 2011. San Francisco Airport
18 hours into the trip and I am exhausted. I napped from 1130 until 2 last night at Erin’s house, napped a tiny bit on the two hour flight to San Francisco, and slept maybe an hour in the airport while on my long layover. The dork ahead of me on the flight from Vancouver put her seat fully back making it so I had to put my seat back to be able to breath. I hate people who do that! I always only recline mine a little because I hate it so much!

Air Canada behaved themselves and didn’t lose any of the 12 people on my flight from PG’s luggage. I was very impressed with their behavior! We even arrived on time. John’s Mom and sister came to the airport to say goodbye to me. It was so sweet of them! Besides my ride, no one has ever seen me off at the airport before! Erin met me at the airport and as soon as we got back to her place I said goodnight. 2 am really isn’t a good time to wake up!

I don’t know why airports insist you are there 3 hours early for an international flight. Erin and I arrived at the airport at about 315 for my 6 am flight. No United representatives were on hand. They arrived at about 330. We get through them, and the baggage people aren’t at work yet. So, we all stand in another line to be able to put our bags on the conveyor belt. Finally a man shows up for work and we move our baggage away. Security was there and I went through fast and problem free. Next up, customs where again, no one is at work yet. This line ended up super long before we started moving. I was glad to be near the front of all of them. Now that we are through security and everything, it’s time to start looking for food before the plane departs. Starbucks is the only place open as we start coming through. Pretty much everyone who was on time for San Francisco ended up at Starbucks because we were hungry and needing our caffeine. Other places were in the process of opening. That’s the worst thing about 6 am flights. It’s almost impossible to get food! And with it being a two hour flight, United did a snack bar where you pay for snacks, but they did give me a full can of apple juice so that was nice.

So far, things are pretty uneventful. I was going to post this for you so you know I am still alive, but it seems that my computer does not want to connect to the Free Wi-Fi at the airport. I still have 2 hours to go before my flight, and my e-reader didn’t charge fully – guess when my laptop shuts off it can’t charge (obviously) so it doesn’t have much life left on it either….. Failure! Guess I will be watching TV and sleeping for the next 16 hour flight! I can see a plug in, I could charge it, but we packed the cord in a random bag that is lost in this massive airport not where near me!

The custom person I had in Vancouver asked where I was going, and fearing that “to China” would sound like as much of a joke to him as it does to me (I think it’s all those I’m digging to China comments we get as kids), I answered with Shanghai. It was 5 am and he didn’t look amused. He wanted to know all about what I was doing in China – is that curiosity or his right to know? I never know with customs, and just answer them! Better to give away information than to be stopped for being difficult I guess!

So, until I get to Shanghai, so long!

July 7, 2011 Shanghai

Here I am! Shanghai at long last! I swear the flight took extra-long, but it appears we arrived a couple of minutes early. Maybe it just seemed like forever because the on-flight entertainment was all in Chinese with Chinese subtitles (although the man next to me who was Indian appeared to be listening to them… I couldn’t find the channel!). I napped a bunch but time didn’t seem to be napping away! I picked up a cold somewhere along the way today, so I have a sore throat and am a little stuffy, but mostly just feel like I might be sick. How lame is that! I read until my e-reader told me it couldn’t read anymore – I might have to have a quick gander to see if I can find my chargers, and the proper plug ins! Tomorrow though, I am going to bed really early for the Chinese and really late for me! Right now, it’s approaching 5 am in Canada and I have been on the go for 27 hours even though I napped a lot! This flight came with two full meals and a snack which was really nice. My kind neighbor even took a snack for me when I slept through snack time! It was nice to wake up to a banana and a muffin waiting for me! I also miscalculated when we should be in (they said 10 hours and to me, that meant 10 pm….. and I think it was more like 10 hours 59 minutes lol). Sadly, it’s really cloudy out today and I didn’t get to see much on the way into Shanghai from the air.

I should have peed before I left the plane! I have always just snuck into a bathroom in the terminal to clean up a little and relieve myself before customs, but I had some trouble finding toilets that weren’t miles out of the way. Immigration was a really long line, but it went very smoothly. All three of my bags came in a row again. I lost a rainbow strap in the last 24 hours, but it was on the very noticeable suitcase, so that was fine. I put my big backpack into a bag in Vancouver and I will be throwing the bag out before I try to move the silly thing again since it is just falling out in numerous places! There was no one in customs; we all just walked right on through. Then came the line of people collecting other people. I looked for my name even though I wasn’t expecting to see it. I came out of the line and was wondering where I might find a payphone (and if there would be English instructions on the payphone when I did find it) and a man asked if he could help me. I said I was supposed to call my hotel when I got here for a ride. He took my papers from me and said come to my booth. I followed (wondering how much this would cost me – in Ghana, I would be paying for him to talk to me let alone help me!) and he dialed and gave me the phone. The girl spoke to me in English (maybe calling at 3 am wasn’t my best idea last week) and told me where to go to meet the driver. He was there in about half an hour.

My first impressions of Shanghai are that it is a beautiful city. I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t expecting construction like at home, but there it is. I pictured far more traffic (maybe it’s because it was 7 pm on a Thursday?) like in Accra, but we just moseyed our way here. The driving reminds me of Accra though! There was another girl coming to the hotel tonight too (she has been here a while but is Canadian) and I let her have the front seat because I was smaller than her for the luggage filled backseat. She was like “oh sure, make me watch my death come” and I laughed. Maybe it was that there is less traffic tonight, but death was more certain in Accra! I should be pretty adjusted to the time zone tomorrow and I plan to go for a walk, or on a tour or something the hotel offers. I didn’t talk to them about it tonight though, I just wanted to rest!

I am going to go have a cold shower and crawl into my king sized bed and sleep the night away! I love you Canada (and England…) and hope life is going well so far without me! Congratulations, you have survived day one! :P Love you and hope to hear from you all soon!

Doubt.

You have left me in pieces

Where I should be whole

You have left me doubting

When I have no reason to doubt

You have left me questioning

When I have no reason to question

And you have left me hurting

Though no one is hurting me anymore.

You have left me hateful

When I am a loving person

You have left me questioning

If my beliefs in humanity are wrong

You have left me doubting

When the man in my life

Leaves me with no doubt at all.

And you still hurt me

You still have power

You still confuse me

You still hurt me.

When he does something

I automatically think

He is trying to hurt me

But that was only you.

He is nothing like you

He actually cares for me

He would never hurt me

He would never cheat on me

He would never do me wrong

Yet whenever he is distant

I doubt his love for me

And all this is because of you

And all you did to me.

How Dare You.

Who do you think you are?

What do you think you are doing?

Do you think it’s still going to work?

Do you think you are still in control?

How dare you.

How dare you say that to me

After all you have done

Where do you get off

Thinking you still have control

Where do you get off

Having anything to say to me

How dare you

Try to guilt trip me

After all this time

And all the mistakes you made

How dare you

Try to make me feel bad

For being happy without you

How dare you make me feel bad

For what you have done all along.

How dare you.

What were you thinking?

Where do you get off?

What a DAY!

What a day. Omg!

Yesterday, as I hope all my Canadian friends know, was our election. I was at the polling station for over 15 hours. The day went quickly even though we didn’t have all that many voters at my station. My partner in crime was an annoying old lady who just wanted to go smoke but wasn’t allowed. Somehow, she managed two cigarette breaks anyways; one by busting into tears that no one was being fair to her, including me. In a way, she was right, and in a way, she was ridiculous. With her sitting beside me, instructions were given (but directed at me) about how to do a certain thing. I did that one, but when I gave her the book and told her that it was actually her job, shit hit the fan. She didn’t know how because no one had talked to her about it. I had bumbled through the one I had done, but it wasn’t part of my job. I am all for helping out, but I was busy doing other things too! Anyways, she broke into tears and was sent to calm down.

Pretty much no one at the location I was at had ever done their job before, which is a great way to start something like this! But when the opportunity comes around once every four years, it’s hard to find trained people! We had three people from candidates that were watching us count the votes, and two of them sat with me. Good times! Eventually we got our votes counted, and had no real errors. Now the closing of the box and everything, which needed my supervisor to sign off everything as well. I finish with 3 other still left to close up. I (obviously) decide to help them as much as possible and get everyone home quickly. I didn’t leave from my 6 am start time, until 9:45 pm. Needless to say, I was exhausted, but on a second or third wind, maybe provided by some coffees and food kindly delivered to me!

I am also housesitting this week for two dogs. I come over here quickly (and ready for bed) and the dogs run out the front door when I open it. Luckily, they are good dogs, and when I said come in, they did. By 10:30 I am in bed. But, elections keep running through my head. I don’t actually get to sleep until about 2 am. 6 am when the dogs are up again comes really early. If I knew what a hangover felt like, I would say I felt hung over. Kick the dogs outside twice and off to work I go. I steal the parking pass from the car that was left behind by the people I am house sitting for on my way to work. I will later discover that this parking pass is expired, and that I have a ticket to pay now. Grr!

At work I get set up with doing things I have done for so long. Tedious work, but work which I am incredibly glad to have, just maybe not so much today. At coffee, I head for switchboard as I have been told I am the coverage. The girl has a doctor’s appointment, so I expect her to be a little late. At 11:30, I decide that I need my coffee break (which should have been 1030-11) so I put the phone on call forward to someone else and go for coffee. The girl on switchboard didn’t come back until after 1 pm (her lunch ended at 1). I have since been told that I can only have a half hour lunch since I have a doctor’s appointment and have to leave early. Fine, whatever, works for me. I grab my coat and keys and head back to the house to let the dogs out. The owners swore that neither of their dogs have ever had an accident in the house. I find dog shit through the hallway and by the door. At least he was going to where he should be let out! Kick the dogs out and clean up the poop, all the while trying to demolish my own lunch. Awesome. Bring the dogs back inside and back to work I go. I work for the next 2 hours and then leave to go to the immunization clinic where I am supposed to be getting any shots I need for China. I have to run home first because in all my planning, I didn’t bring my immunization card with me. Park a mile away from the office because I see a spot and think it might be the last… not even close. Then the clinic people tell me that the one shot I need (which they don’t think I need, but my contract says I do) is one that needs to be preordered. The supplier will only send a minimum $500 order, and that is one more vaccine than I require. Thankfully, I think Mom needs it too, so we can get it in! I will deal with that later in the week. However, the clinic still charged me for their time anyways. I walked out empty handed and $40 broker. The clinic also wants me to get my rabies shot, which doesn’t do a lot of anything; you still need to be treated if you get scratched or bitten! She says it buys you time, and costs at least my arm if not my leg too! Isn’t $350 for Japanese Enciphilitous enough!? Gawd!

I come back to the house and let the dogs out again. Thankfully, I have not found any poop yet. I make the dogs dinner and kick them outside (which is actually where they eat their dinner). As I go to set up my laptop, I notice something blue by the TV which looks out of place. Upon closer inspection, I realize that it is the panties I wore yesterday, torn to pieces. Awesome. Guess 17 hour sweaty panties are tasty. Thankfully, John agreed to come hang out with me here so I don’t have to go anywhere, and the dogs get to keep my amazing company for the night. Hopefully, nobody shits in the house for me! And hopefully, my hangover goes away!

Love you.

Not Ready for Goodbye

I just don’t get it. I get “in trouble” when I don’t apply for a job because I won’t be there for the full term of the position. So next time comes around, and I apply for a job that I won’t be there for the full position. This time, I get asked “what were you thinking? You can’t do the term.” How do I win in this situation? And, it’s all from the same person. I just don’t get it.

I am sure it is hormones talking, but today, I feel so close to tears. His changed mind has me wanting to cry. For that matter, so does moving to China. I will have to say some real goodbyes this summer. I think I want a couple weeks to travel in Canada. The more I think about it, the less logical it becomes to go to my Aunt’s wedding anniversary party for the July long weekend. But, I want to see my family before I leave. We may be separated, but I love them and miss them. I need time to see Dad and Tami, and some of not all of my cousins before I go. I need to say a goodbye to Nathaniel and to Marlene. I need to finish the photo album I started for Nate. I know that me leaving for a year is the end of him in my life. I cannot show up over a year later and expect the warm welcome I am used to. So I have to say goodbye. Maybe it’s way past time anyways. It’s been a year since his father and I broke up. I always claimed I would keep the relationship alive, but how do I do that from China? I might still send him a birthday/Christmas card, but I have to drift out. I feel this for all of Trav’s family all of a sudden actually. I feel like keeping a relationship with me is a burden we could all do without. It’s not as strained as it was when Trav and I weren’t talking, but I think it too has reached the closing point. Mom is sick and despite trying to remain positive, I would be surprised if I got to see her again after I left for China. I would like to remain a friend to them, but not the daughter like friend I wanted to be, and was. I will try to take Nate out there one weekend to say goodbyes to all of them. However, I am not letting go of Travis. He is still my best friend (if you didn’t gather that from my last post), and I will always love him. But I guess he can have his family back.

Since I came back from Vancouver and started looking for a job overseas, I have found myself drifting away from those that mean everything to me. If Nickolas gives me attitude, I give it right back at him, annoyed at him for the first time in four years. I know that we are both acting out against the goodbye that is coming, but it just makes me sadder. I do consider him to be my little brother, and in the last four years, we have had so many good times. I am definitely going to miss that little guy. I am trying to make up for my leaving by having the coolest time possible in the coming weeks. We are going to make his mother a birthday present. I think we will make mugs for ourselves as a memento. I am making a scrapbook which I want us to write notes in for each other. I probably actually have too much planned for remaining weeks. I hate the thought of saying goodbye to him. I hate to think of what happens with me gone. Does he get a new buddy? Will they connect? Will the new person help him as he reaches puberty? I certainly couldn’t help him with that.

And of course, there is also all of my friends. I will have to say a goodbye to them as well. It’s not like going to Ghana for a couple months anymore. It’s more permanent than my travels have been before. the 2-4 months I have left in the past is nothing. Now I am gone for a year. Best case scenario, I am home for maybe two months in the summer to see them again. Worst case scenario, I stay gone more than a year. Will they still be there when I come home? Will they write? Will anyone even care that I am gone and not on facebook anymore? Will they email? Or will I be cut from the loop completely? I am following a dream only a year in the making, but it is one I fully believe in. Why is this all hitting so hard? And why do I feel like I am losing everything that matters to me?

Lonely Talk

My unemployed stance has me in a difficult place. I am lonely. Every day, I try to find enough things to do to fight this off, but every day, the loneliness is there, just below the surface. I try to hide it, to suppress it, but it is always there. I am talking to many people online, but it’s not helping; it’s not the same as in person. I know that not one of you will support this, but I really miss Trav. Regardless of your opinion on the dear boy, he is still the best friend I have ever had. He understands me and I don’t have to do a lot of explaining. And, I miss him. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him, and want to talk to him. This isn’t really an option though. I do my best to deal with it.

Many of you are probably already thinking about how I am going to manage life in China, where I am effectively cut off from the internet world in which I know it. Just like I did in Ghana, I am going to be immersed in the culture. I am going to be busy. Yes, I will still have lonely moments. But, I will also be making new friends with the other teachers and people I come into contact with. It will be wonderful. And, I will Skype home as often as I can on a 15 hour time difference! I am not worried about life in China. It’s the unemployed nothing to do life that gets to me.

I haven’t written “poetry” in a long time, but in the last 8 days, I have written two. I am going to share these on my blog, for the first time.



Your Demands

I was minding my own business
Looking for things to buy
Out of no where
I was blindsided by a smile
I lost eight years in a second
I was 18 and falling in love
The flashback lasted about a minute
I dreamed it
Someone must have your smile
I told myself I was going crazy
But the more I watched you
The more I was sure it was you
You look different
But it’s been years
Since I last saw you
You kept making eye contact
And breaking it
Before I could even smile
Butterflies filled my stomach
This is crazy I thought
It’s probably not even you
I didn’t talk to you
Beyond those awkward glances
But I can’t stop thinking about you
And I am kicking myself
For not saying anything
I was obeying your wished
Wishes from so long ago
Wishes your eyes still portrayed
But now I can’t stop thinking
And wondering how you are
Wishing I had broken your demands
To fulfill my desire
To know if it was even you
And how you are today


One Week

It only took me a week
To say I couldn’t live without you
To declare you the
Best friend I ever had
Everyone called me foolish
After all, it had only been
One week

One week and I knew
I could never have you
The way I wanted to
I could never be your girl
A best friend would have to do
Every time you kissed me
I tried to convince myself
That we had to be friends

One year
One year and we were engaged
I had found my prince
And it had started in
One week

Now, two and a half years
Since I knew you were
My soul mate
I feel back in week one
I still need you
For all my ups and downs
For the good, the bad, and the ugly
For every amazing moment
And every moment that breaks my heart
My body, mind, heart and soul
Call your name

I know I could talk to you
I know you would understand
I know you would be my best friend
Instead, I search for someone else
And hope they can do the job
They try their best
So I try not to compare
But I still come back
Wishing I had called you instead

One week was all it took
I have spent the last year
Wishing you were still here
Missing everything we should have
I still need you
And I still want you near

It’s been a year
But it still feels like week one
Trying to convince myself
We are better off this way
I always said
I needed you in my life
And I would take you
In any way I could get
But it’s not enough
I still want more

It’s been a year
Two and a half since
Week One
Where my world changed
Forever
In just…
In just one week