Counseling

Shame. Blame. Guilt. Fear of commitment.  Fear of intimacy. Panic attacks.  Fear of abandonment.  Ten years of issues all showing their ugly heads at once.

I start counseling on Friday. I guess it’s been a long time coming, and the more I think of it, the more I realize I need help with.  I originally booked an appointment knowing that I have to deal with the shame, blame and guilt of having cancerous cells on my cervix.  I know I shouldn’t, but I blame myself for that.  I know I need to get over that, and I know I need help to do that.

I had a long chat with an ex/good friend over Christmas.  I have had panic attacks while having sex.  I have suppressed this problem as well.  I knew I panicked at the time, but it was no big deal right.  I think it might be.  It probably goes with the shame, blame and guilt.  How can you enjoy something when you need to feel bad about it?  But, having had the panic attacks identified and spoken about made them real, and now I have to deal with the issue even more so than before.

After a long chat with the man I have basically been seeing for the last four months, we decided to try dating.  Since having this discussion, the amount of panic that has gone through me has made me realize a lot of things.  For the second time at the beginning of a relationship, I have wanted to run away from it.  I did this to Nick and actually broke up with him for a couple hours about a month into our relationship.  Yes, just a couple hours, I changed my mind and he was nice enough to take me back.  So, mere days into this relationship, panic sets in.  What am I doing? I can’t date, I need help.  He’s too good for me.  He deserves better than me.  Maybe he does, but let’s give me a little credit here.  I haven’t even told him who I am, about the girl that has all these issues, the girl that the last ten years has made into the girl he sees.  That brings another panic sensation – what if he doesn’t like me once he knows what he has to know?  I have told him I need counselling, but what if he hates me now?  I made him promise to still be my friend, but told him I would understand if our relationship reached a two day record.  Thankfully, he never let go of my hand as I talked about the last ten years, which are so relevant to why I am anxious about dating now.  He has given me no reason to be anxious or nervous.  We agreed to take the relationship slow, and we are.  There is no pressure of any sort, and it is exactly what I need.  But still, I freak out.

Someone asked, jokingly I am sure, if I was still stringing him along.  I took offense to the statement, but maybe it was true? Am I stringing him along? I don’t want to be that girl.  He is such a wonderful man.  But I might be.  I don’t even know anymore.  I like the man.  I think that working through all my issues with someone who cares at my side will be beneficial.  I can see how I could test my limits with a caring man beside me.  I can also see how that could be viewed as using him.

One night stands that result in cancer.  Men who torn me apart so far I didn’t know how to be whole.  Men who destroyed me in more ways than I knew.  Allowing myself to be destroyed and not fighting for anything better, not wanting anything better.  Fear of letting someone in so that I can be hurt like that again.  I guess I always thought I had dealt with all the issues that these things had caused me.  But, healthy minds don’t panic at the thought of intimacy. 

Hope the counselor doesn’t have a session limit, I need a lot of help!  It will take two sessions to explain the last ten years enough that talking about these issues will make sense!